Painting

hey there.

so never mind all the bad stuff,

cuz it's all good when you're doing something you love, n'est pas? (heh - francais)

Much love, this is it : )

a solid mercury in the 11th house ...

A day at a glance.

Hey, I actually had a really good thing to say. But now I can't remember what it was. I was in the car... and then was pondering about something lovely. Hmm. Maybe later on then....

But some nice things have happened today.

Okay, so I couldn't find my phone last night, and did my laundry wayy too latee. But, still did the laundry, and opened that online alarmclock webpage... slept with my laptop beside my head, furthermost away from mute was the volume... and was awoken by my mother (she is quite awesome like that).. 4:10 in the morning. I went to automatic snooze.. stirred awake once more by the online Alarm Clock that I had set before. 4:25. ("shit, this is it, now you got to get up." blah wa wa. So I went off to work... and I was there by 4:50. Enough time for a smoke. Awesome. But, then I had this weird feeling in my head... that we opened at 5:30 AM. Yes, yes in fact that was true. But being soo tired... and as it was kinda non-comfortably cold out this morning... I curled myself into a body-huddle, and sorta slept. I think within the 50 minutes of being there curled on the pavement.. I opened my eyes like... a generous 20 times. Music playing, I was dozing off.

I got woken up by my assistant manager (hmm, embarrassing..?) lately my punctuality has been quite mutha-damn-lazy. EVEN yesterday, her and I and another opened... and I was asleep at home when she called... ah, anyways. It was nice though. I just was sorta off edge a bit.. you know, feeling a bit "oh shit oh shit, oh shit." But it was good.

She (Julie) ended up calling the original opener (we switched, Chris & I) because I hadn't written it down yesterday (because I'm out of it) ... Chris had a party last night, so it was funny to be awoken up by your manager.. accusing you of not being there... heh-hah. And then he told her it was me, she called my house. My mother answered.. worried, she did a drive by at the store. AHAHA! All she did was park, look at me through the windows... shake her head an awful amount of times. and then drove away.. (hehe). Fairly funny now. But embarrassing then.

It was nice because when I saw Chris at later on, at the end of my shift... we laughed. And it was the joke of the day really. A good uplift essentially. Good good good.

We did the Secret Santa Draw as well. I got this guy whom I enjoy the company of really. He does to me as well. It's neat. I bet you, if we were the same age.. oh ho ho - noo no. But yeah.

And then... came home... hmm.. picked up and paid for some dry cleaning for my mother.. her dry cleaner was P.-O.'D! (pissy missy), even though she is actually really nice. But yeah, so that was a fine good deed.

Feeling good today actually. Venus is in 6 degrees of the Zodiac sign Scorpio.. and this is makes a Trine (good harmony) to my Ascendant which is in 6 degrees Cancer... so I'm all happy today really, and affectionate. I was nice to people today at work too.. which is a generally new thing to happen. You know..

I'll remember what I wanted to saw really later on, or I won't. I dunno.

If you're having a bad day, don't worry. It's just you within the universe today. No biggie, or maybe. But I dunno. Whatever really.

Hmm. YOu know what, I just remembered.. I'll make it in a different blogerie entry though. But a reminder for me.

-Environmental Issues.

-Peoples' Attitudes.

-They are going to die, I am going to die. I am not going to try to kill myself because of their not wanting to agree with me/what I believe.

-Because I will die anyways. So, I agree with them there. But still, they're angry with me. Man, just shut up. I have. I understand. Will you?

Do I understand?

It's good.

There's this girl with whom I work, Julie. She's swell, nice, fine, on edge a bit, but chill... essentially Sun in Libra, and then Ascendant in Virgo...(me setting the personality there a bit), she's actually quite fine in my eyes, like just alright (just as long as we're not combatting or whatever)... so yeah.

I work with her today, and another Libra gal (1989), and it was good. There was no beef at the work place. No discomforts. No faking, no NEED to fake. Aha, I guess just plain old no neediness. So there was plenty of freedom. And non-expectance when it came to work standards. Very good, very very good day. I closed, hence me here at this time...and even though we came out technically late and all, there was no, haste.. and frustration. (Damn, this was good [needed]). But I realized on the drive home, and when it was happening, that a layer of trustworthy bonding was being built between us. Sharing and caring. Advising with sympathy. Damn, good. Aha. I swear, funny things are happening everywhere.

It made me feel good, as it is making me feel fine right now. (Or is it the wine? Naw..regardless..) But there are also dumb-fucking-asses out there. And, one shall be faced with many if one thinkgs that they themselves are not a dumbass. Even though I do believe that I may be at times... all time really. You know. I mean. Yea..

It's just good to establish connections with anything, any one. you know, It leaves you with lesser of reasons to believe that there is ultimate isolation out there/here within this/that world. No chance of true alienation.

Good, good stuff.

Well, I'm going to go and enjoy my Mercury in the 8th house even further now : )

Painting, with long endless songs.... And just to complete some fermented grape drink. You know.

Enjoy your nights (lives) aswell. Heh. -Peace.

Good Dream.

I got up earlier so that I could do this. Write out my dream, and feelings coming out of it, and then thoughts and whatnot. I also am having a cup of wine, at 3:24AM complete with a stale cigarette. Good, the mood is set.

At the start from what I can remember, it was an adventure dream. I know there was more before this, but this is from what I may recall... John, me, and this other 20-30 yr. old guy were in this motorcycle w/ a side cart. Driving and riding along, we were talking of something. I don't know where this guy had in plan for John and I to travel to, but all of a sudden, off the dirt path we're sort of gliding off a cliff. Going to hopefully reach the other path about a mile away, across this water bed. Wow we were fucking high up. Nearing the end of this gap, (so many trees on the approaching cliff side, so tiny too from afar) coming close to our destined path I'm feeling a floating sensation - as if I'm gravitating up off and out of my side cart seat. Ploom, we land. The guy looks at me, "Oh, you didn't like that?" I reply "yeah, not at all. What about you John?", I look at him, and he shrugs it off. He was fine with it. Well then. Riding along, and skipping some parts. I am very active in this dream. Agile, escapist, a lot of leg and body work.

The three of us land. And now we climb this dirt & rock & sand formation. It seems high, but once you've climbed up, you realize, it's just the raised earth and roots of this big & wide tree. We're sneaking up, and we see three other people about 5 metres away, outside of their blue gray mini van. They're lost. And speaking in french. Primarily John, guy & I were hidden, and planning on staying as such, but then I heard the one lady talking with the other guy "Cardinaque?" "Non, ce n'est pas ca." All in all, when I realized that they were speaking french, I revealed myself with some French words. They thought I could speak it, but then following their questions with pure "umm"s and such, the one lady just sorta waved me off. And I had no idea where this Cardinaque place was either, so it was fairly pointless. But just before they started back into their van I realized, wait, Wayne has GPS on his iPhone (the guy is now Wayne). Attends! Wait! "Wayne, search up where Cardinaque is, I know it's around here." So he did, and he went up and just showed the visual directions of how to get there on his iPhone to these lost-trio. After this, we groups, separated to our own ways; us now travelling down this hill. Bumpy, holey, and forcing us to trot a bit down.

We're in a playground, with Wayne, and John-someone, and some two other people. One of the parts I remember is that I was trying to become out of reach of Wayne, so I sort of jump air kicked off of his head to escape his potential grasp of me. I could feel his grip on my pants, but a double kick got me out of there. Then, this sense of escapism came over me. Whomever I was with, I wasn't with them, but I was trying to get away from their potential harm of me/ capture. Over the scenery of playgrounds, and roof tops, staircases, and appartments, I was always cunning when it came to even the closest of potential captures. I got out of each of their grasps of me. A quick spurt of energy, and I was outta there. It all felt slow motion though. The amount of energy I was using, I could feel its pull. But then we come to a more distinct scene.

I'm on this apartment building's rooftop/fire escape staircase. I was fleeing the attention of these three guys. Generally, Filippino looking sorta, but that's not really too important. So they pretty much had me, shit. I pretended to give up and be like 'damn, you got me.' But again, one second, and I was twirling out of their reach through these handrails out past the staircase and on tot he roof... finding myself in this other situation.

Some parts are past by my recollection now, but it's nighttime. Roof of this apartment room, is clear glass windows. I can see in. It looks like an office, a job place. I see twenty or so people moving about. What is this place? I'm using my elite movement to cross even the trickiest of spots on this building. Foot here, hand there, upward body thrust outta here and we're good. But... yadda yadda I'm unsure until I am trying to reach one person in this room. I'm hiding from this other one, and she's protecting the one whom I wish to see, from me. I'm trying to see Chelsea. This older lady is quite preventative. And the other people within this workplace are confused when they catch glimpses of me. But all in all, they dislike the other woman, so therefore do help me. Chelsea's locked in this room, with only the other woman entering and exiting. Actually, Chelsea did come out once. So I moved atop the glass window roof, and managed to caught eye contact with her. She knew I was there to see her, and it wasn't strange. It's not like 'woah whaddya doing here?' It's like, 'okay, you're here, good, this is the plan.' She sent Chelsea to her room, and the other people resumed their places.

When the older lady (authoritative no doubt) left, I entered this office room through one of the glass windows, just slid it open. And curved my body in. I went to the mini fridge, and was looking for soda. A girl came up to my left side and I asked her "Hey, which soda do you think she would like? Do you have Diet Soda; Diet Coke?" Sure enough she did, so I had one diet coke and one regular in my hands, and exited through the same window.

I'm crossing the roof and I can hear the glass make its creaks here and there at each step, and I can see some of the people look up to take some glances at me. The one girl that helped me with my soda dilemma is following me with her eyes. It was the window through which I entered Chelsea's room too. We sat. I think I was pleading to her, how sorry I was. But she was doing the same too. So generally we were agreeing with one another and to ourselves. But too quick was this, the doorknob was turning and then I jumped up to the window as Chelsea went to block the door, but too weak, the lady pushed it open and I caught her eyes as I was leaving. Definitely saw me. Strange though, because now the only way for me to exit, nevermind being outside, I had to run out through the hallway (once I exited through the window of Chelsea's room, I was exiting the door to this apartment) and I was running through the hallway, and entered the staircase. Only two flights up was I, so the old lady opened the door to the stairway and was able to see me. But she didn't chase me. All we did was give eachother these very strong stares into the other's eyes, challenging, warning, protective, and scared, but still almost fearless... She let me go, I had done my deed.

But as I am outside of this apartment building, I'm turning left, it's nighttime out, and there's this gathering of people outside the apartment on the front and left-side lawns. Just socializing a bit, and chilling. But there are few words, few whispers, and I have to go up this hill in order to go to the back of the building, the grass is dark, and there's only one light from the back of the building that's being cast over this hilltop. Neither high nor steep I walk up, catching the glances from these groups of people. They're very silent, but their eyes leak with curiousity and a bit of hunger, maybe. But I'm going to the back of the building because I want to see Chelsea's Balcony. And oh my, the words that I was hearing.

"You told me that she was the worst thing that ever happened to you!"

"Yeah I know, but now it's different. And we're fine now"

"How stupid could you be, have you forgotten what she has done to you?"

"No."

"I just don't understand why you're even bothering now with her, all of a sudden."

"Well she came to me..."

"You shouldn't be talking to her."

As I was over hearing this, I could feel my heart becoming sad, and grieved. But I was happy, in a way, because I could sense the feelings of warmth within Chelsea's words. She knew that I did not go there to hurt her, or myself, I just went to heal, and fix, and feed, and give. But with no instructive for our future, but just a hope that there may still be one.

Ahh, the task of mending.

Blabble

Yes, even though, I am here, saying my own little formation of words... blah-da yadda yah-blah.

Shut up. Shure. Okhay. Like yes, we all believe our own certain things, tid bits. We each have our own reasons...assuring as they sound and may be. Our resources. Our truths and lies. Our lives. What we have seen, and sensed in general. What, we each just bet to be what is true. Or maybe not, but hey, we're willing to gamble on it. All in all, we're all fucking dumbasses. Idiots. Perverted little geniuses. Thinking that we can think. Thinking we each have our own little shade of what is pure-truth in each of our little noggings.

Yeah, I can feel this keyboard. Yeah, I did work today. Yeah, I have no way of prooving that I am actually here. There is all of this mumbo jumbo around us. I nod, and give the vague argreements with whatever conversation I'm having...each bloak I speak with, or listening to ramble on (including you to me, yeah, I know) they're defending their words. As if they've always been hit with some retaliation each time they've spoke. YOu know what I'm saying? They're letting a little bit of steam off, and giving their side of the story, and letting me know what's what...gentle and/or not. But still, what's it is that I'm thinking in my head, how amazing it is, that we're all crap snorters in the end. I dunno! It's just...formidable. Of course, I'd love to have my way and speak to peoples among persons and tell them how it's all supposed to roll, but in the end, I usually die out, maybe. I mean, catch me on a good topic (that I say is good) and then you start to hear my tid bits of what's what, that's all in all backed up with some emotions. YOu know. I PUT MY EMOTIONAL SECURITY INTO ME THINKING THIS. I am this person because of what I've been always saying inside of my mind.

Do you know the conversations I've had with myself? Yes, you do. You've had them aswell. You're the exact same as me, as I am to you. They are to us. We are to you, you and them, me and us. Blah blah, don't matter. Each word gives an illusion to a chance of reality.

I dunno.

I mean, believe what ever you want to fucking believe.

A sane mind can't even proove to itself that it is sane.

Just fuck it. I don't mean give up, but I mean, shut up, in a way. Or don't really...

Hmm, what am I trying to say..?

I dunno, figure it out I suppose - it's your own shit.

There's no Substance that can take my 'problems' away from me.

None that may pay my debts, fill me with intelligence, a lack of a home, and none that will give me a family. To replace love, and erase.

To end all would generally be it, non?

Silly girl, don't you feel your heart's gentle pounding?

It's never stopped. It's started it's function since you were a pre-world being. It is your friend, it's been there for you. I guess, well I mean I guess that you should at least just love it. You have yourself to love and to admire.

Now go, and do this more often.

"This is the only time I really feel alive"

I pretty much only type on here when I'm angry. Or something. I have a desire for this, but don't want.