Feeling low now, realizing how much I am amazing at sucking, just naturally... I have no strong sun relationships. I realize I am full of shame over my self, over my beliefs (veganism / eating habits)... this is how I choose to live and I am embarrassed by it. Embarrassed by it because it makes me different. Yesterday, within a small circle of people of whom were having their own little potluck of chicken curry, feta pizza, and beef chili, and rice, and brownies... I had the rice w/ curry. I already had dinner too. But, instead of being the only person of this group whom would not eat, I ate. I could've only had the rice... it would've been fine... but instead of looking like a girl who would only eat the rice, in fear of presenting myself as a chick who could only allow herself to eat the rice... I put the milk chicken curry on it. Now I thought that it was just going to be milk, with potatoes in this pink curry stuff. Pink curry, strange. But I had a bite of the chicken.. and was like, damn, why do they put fish in here? Awell... I mean, I've been wanting to have fish anyways... But then I pinched a piece of chicken cube in half with my spoon and realized... damn, that's not flaky, that's damn chicken. I still ate. Not the chicken though. I just ate around it. Of course some bits, the small ones, ended up upon my spoon, but I, just, don't know. I did it, so I wouldn't become singled out.
But still.. along came the brownie time, I didn't want any "Hey Kim, why aren't you having any brownies?" -"Naw, I just don't feel like it" "Oh come on, just have one, they're really good, you should have one." -"Naw thanks, I'm good." "What? Are you like one of those kids that doesn't like chocolate?" -"Well yeah, I just don't like the taste of it" "Well whatever, you should just try one anyways" -"Yeah, maybe."
Man, I've already fucking swallowed a chicken cube, I don't want no fucking milk in my tea, no eggs in my brownies, no nothing. (Today, I had a White Macadamia cookie, a bite of one) (I just am recollecting right now).
I consolidated with Wayne. He said, pretty much, that I should not worry about how others look towards me. It does not matter. Just as long as I know who I am, what I am doing, and believe in it, then I am pardoned from any questions. (But I just fucking am tired of having to explain, I am barely able to explain to myself). Who am I? What am I doing? Why do these people continue to talk to me? I do not want to have them question anything of me any more. I am tired of their prodding. I do not like their eyes gleeming over me. Not agreeing with me, and then agreeing with me.
Apparently though, whilst I was outside in conversation tonight with Dalida... we (she) came across a (potential reason) for my ego. Sun in Gemini & Moon in Sagittarius relationship. Opposites. My ego stems from self-defence and insecurity. I want to be SO DIFFERENT, not like any of these other fuckers out there. Not like any of these ridiculously dumb-headed stupidealistic bimbos out there. But then again, I want to be like everyone else, to be a part of this all. To not be left alone and secluded, to not be different from all else. So, My ego is always sharp and high up, because I react second to how others act towards me. But my ego is up, and I am oh so retardedly cool because I do not want them to see how much I hate them, but still need them. My uncertainty has a strong potential for leaking through, but I very much so would not like it for them to see. For anyone to see. Man, I don't even want to see it, because then it doesn't need to exist right? Quel Blague Mang! It's still here. It's still here right now.
For the rest of my life..
