"This is the only time I really feel alive"

I pretty much only type on here when I'm angry. Or something. I have a desire for this, but don't want.

Reminder Reminded,

Although those feelings were real from before, I um... have changed my pace. I worry about how others will see me. How do they perceive me? Is it exactly from how I believe I present myself? Express myself? I am very egotistical, and cocky right... but for what reason? My sun sign, isn't too strong about things... there's no real reasoning for me have such a large ego. I suppose I do any how. If anyone congratulates me, or gives me kudos on being spectacular or whatever anything positive, I disagree. I shun them down (afterwards when I blow my ego up in front of others, retelling this story of admirence) and say how they know nothing about me, and they probably think such about me because of some sort of lack that they have. And the other way as well, if some one is hating on me, spotting out my dusty parts, and saying how much I suck and all things negative, I become very spittis in their eyeis. Retelling this story of ridiculousness, how could anyone have ever said that I suck?! Blah blah, no one ever wins.

Feeling low now, realizing how much I am amazing at sucking, just naturally... I have no strong sun relationships. I realize I am full of shame over my self, over my beliefs (veganism / eating habits)... this is how I choose to live and I am embarrassed by it. Embarrassed by it because it makes me different. Yesterday, within a small circle of people of whom were having their own little potluck of chicken curry, feta pizza, and beef chili, and rice, and brownies... I had the rice w/ curry. I already had dinner too. But, instead of being the only person of this group whom would not eat, I ate. I could've only had the rice... it would've been fine... but instead of looking like a girl who would only eat the rice, in fear of presenting myself as a chick who could only allow herself to eat the rice... I put the milk chicken curry on it. Now I thought that it was just going to be milk, with potatoes in this pink curry stuff. Pink curry, strange. But I had a bite of the chicken.. and was like, damn, why do they put fish in here? Awell... I mean, I've been wanting to have fish anyways... But then I pinched a piece of chicken cube in half with my spoon and realized... damn, that's not flaky, that's damn chicken. I still ate. Not the chicken though. I just ate around it. Of course some bits, the small ones, ended up upon my spoon, but I, just, don't know. I did it, so I wouldn't become singled out.

But still.. along came the brownie time, I didn't want any "Hey Kim, why aren't you having any brownies?" -"Naw, I just don't feel like it" "Oh come on, just have one, they're really good, you should have one." -"Naw thanks, I'm good." "What? Are you like one of those kids that doesn't like chocolate?" -"Well yeah, I just don't like the taste of it" "Well whatever, you should just try one anyways" -"Yeah, maybe."

Man, I've already fucking swallowed a chicken cube, I don't want no fucking milk in my tea, no eggs in my brownies, no nothing. (Today, I had a White Macadamia cookie, a bite of one) (I just am recollecting right now).

I consolidated with Wayne. He said, pretty much, that I should not worry about how others look towards me. It does not matter. Just as long as I know who I am, what I am doing, and believe in it, then I am pardoned from any questions. (But I just fucking am tired of having to explain, I am barely able to explain to myself). Who am I? What am I doing? Why do these people continue to talk to me? I do not want to have them question anything of me any more. I am tired of their prodding. I do not like their eyes gleeming over me. Not agreeing with me, and then agreeing with me.

Apparently though, whilst I was outside in conversation tonight with Dalida... we (she) came across a (potential reason) for my ego. Sun in Gemini & Moon in Sagittarius relationship. Opposites. My ego stems from self-defence and insecurity. I want to be SO DIFFERENT, not like any of these other fuckers out there. Not like any of these ridiculously dumb-headed stupidealistic bimbos out there. But then again, I want to be like everyone else, to be a part of this all. To not be left alone and secluded, to not be different from all else. So, My ego is always sharp and high up, because I react second to how others act towards me. But my ego is up, and I am oh so retardedly cool because I do not want them to see how much I hate them, but still need them. My uncertainty has a strong potential for leaking through, but I very much so would not like it for them to see. For anyone to see. Man, I don't even want to see it, because then it doesn't need to exist right? Quel Blague Mang! It's still here. It's still here right now.

For the rest of my life..

Reminder:

People. Taboo. Taboo over relationships w' Food.  Eating. Oneself. Why is it awkward when one person speaks of shitting, pissing, loving... Not awkward when one person gawks over shoes, houses, scarves, asses. It's good to hate yourself. Never good to become better. Never acceptable when an other person becomes self-improved, more self-improved with effort and outcome in contrast to me. It's okay for me to humour myself amongst the company of my peers, and to humour them, with putting myself down. (myself = oneself). Unacceptable to release the built up hateful truth, it's building. (Maybe or maybe not that one yet...)

Different scenes of Taboo. How it effects me with my own relationships with what is natural, including how I myself naturally am. How it effects my relationship when it comes with new acquaintances. Meeting and socializing for the first time, judging becomes second nature to me, and I do not like it. But the reasons are out there. And then I recognize that which I am doing, and then I judge myself, and end up liking my self based on my reactions, less than before.

Reminder:

Thanks.

Hamilton + Thursday + Peoples of the manys.

Whenever I meet new people, and we start just socializing, I surprise myself with my opinions or whatever. I don't know. It's like I create my own friends, or there are only a few people that I have actually met whom have been able to just rebirth themselves into the being that which they wish to be. But ... I mean, it could be any given person right, I may befriend anyone in any certain realm/universe over a certain past, or desire of the future... Aren't we all able to lock with another in some artful form?

Boarders for security. Why can't I become the greatest bestfriend to one of my managers? Highschool Teachers? Why is it so 'awkward' to become a soul bound confidante/ bestfidante to any random soul? Some times you get tired and let down by being the person whom makes the first step. BUT FUNNY!.. because as I was just thinking that... there's Dalida of whom I see one of those friendships happening with, and at a glimpse of the depth or what-have-it-may-be... I got scared a bit. I recognized me getting scared too. I didn't like that aspect of me. I mean, she's a solid person and definitely deserves the chance to believe that she is a great person. We all do, even within our own self-judging eyes (quite harsh they may be at times (and blind aswell)). So why did I get scared? 

Does it use a lot of energy to love a person? Is it renewable? Or is it some act that which causes oneself to die down? Soon someone may have no more of the emotional courage and strength to just love and love again. But I mean, there's always that hope (And high change of truth) that there come a person that just lifts and heals your heart in all those ways, sharing with you (if you're willing to believe) that you CAN start again. And it's your hopefulness that ALLOWS yourself to start again.  I think it's not soo great for your chances of happiness, if that once you catch and find yourself within a hole of a certain darkness, you've become/are so stubborn as to NOT-believe the existence of a light, right in front of you. Choosing to not believe that you are seeing it. Hallucinating, going blind, but realizing what it real. I mean.. both are true sides to the same coin. But if you want to be on the other side, I mean, just flip again. 50% chance you'll make it, conditional to whether or whether not you try.

I like believing everything, it creates a certain reality of my own. No one's in it yet, I don't recognize any one knocking. But that comes all with sharing, right? But they all make it real, in a sense.

*Note: I encourage people to read Reinaldo Arenas' books & autobiography. Why? To hear what your brother has been saying to you, indirect teachings.

Planet Workout

I did it. Very good. Even though I went off after work, tired as fuck, still got it done. On the bus ride there, full bus, full of students from Sheridan... I started to nap. Eyes were becoming so heavy. I had to rest them, in order to avoid falling asleep. At one point, I even ended up with being startled with a body JOLT!, I ended up startling my bus-seat neighbour too. "Sorry", I apologized. Even though we both had our headphones on. I got off, and started my way walking. I've never known where to actually go, nor paid attention when driving... just followed what Google Maps had told me, I wrote the directions at the back of a photograph, something mixed there, I know it. But I don't want to deal with it now, nor whenever... toodles to that thought. But it was generally nice. I was thinking of napping in the changing room, but then decided that that wouldn't be a good idea. My end of holiday celebration.

My parents are home now. I've already distanced my self. Me and my younger brother have already started yelling at them. Damn that shit. & I would scream it too, if it would do any good. But until that's true, it's a lifetime of silent anger.

I was feeling good until I had some of these frozen (but thawed) Uttoti? Utto___ something bread stuff, with this chutney. WOW, it's been hurting for the last 1.5 hours. Now I'm having a shot, to make it all better. NAWT, but fuck this tummy-ache bull shit.

Good things today: I read. I didn't want any cigarettes. I feared being caught in the future to smoke any, the custom & obligation too. ( I absolutely hate it, when I can't say that "Yes, I do plan on stopping, & I haven't had a cigarette in a while... BECAUSE I stop myself, in fear of being the person-who's-done-it, in front of some chick who's been trying to stop for AGES, and just is a WHINER about it. ) I hate it (how I will act. They're fine, they're doing what they do. BUT I don't like what I'm doing. NOT even the reason for why I'll do it. Grumpy as f*ck when it comes to this & the similars) ...Another good thing: I got up early and prepared all my foods today. Had a sandwich, and brought protein to make into a smoothie at work. Ridiculous how happy THAT will get me. And now, I know my weekend plans. & I haven't been biting my nails. & I've organized all the loose photos that I've had in a box for 2 years into some four.5 albums. Now to only do the childhood photos.. that'd be awesome.

Yeah, now I'm thinking I'm sounding dumb. But fuck it, I love organizing. Or at least, how it relieves tension within me. Hardwired, as Linda put it.

There we go.

Saturday 3:04 AM Saturday October 30th, 2010

Well the day has been generally fine. Yesterday I had planned my physical-potential path, and I became good with what I had planned. Grounded with it. Walk to work, buy liquor, walk to library, walk back to Starbucks, walk with Dalida to her house, watch movie, room for chat, run home. & It all happened. Subtract the walk to Dalida's  (after Starucks' Close) for Linda had driven us home, which is ultimately fine, all the better to arrive at the next-in-line plan ahead; the movie. Movie? Video Clip? Video. 

So much in my head. I was washing some dishes, and then some two things Had popped within my head, making me decide to write a blog... one had to do with Jessica T, some thing that had bugged me, about what she had said...done, some thing from today. Another had to do with my night with Dalida... guilt themed? Perhaps.

I have a cup of White RUm + Apple Juice beside me right now. I can smell it. I don't really think I like it... the fuzzy feelings. But there is some thing that was bothering me, a lot actually, today... kept it all in and aside from what I wanted to be focused on. Was the day poroductive? Maybe, in an illusionary productiveness became of it. Well no, rather a sense of accomplishment. I had a cigarette off of Julie today, she is very nice, for some reason I became very forcefully awkward and odd with her when I remet her at the Library. My dialogue gave me this sign.

Dalida painted my thumbnail.  Me and nuturing? Healing others? First sip of this fine beverage, it's seeming alright. It's as if, I see that they are hurt, and feeling down and broken, in need. In need of another point of view, another agreeance, a good lesson... they just need something that which I can give, and then, it's just whether or whether not I shall try to help them out. The more I try, then the more, perhaps, I become attached. As I type this, the more I start to whisper-think at the back of my head 'astrology' 'cancer' blah blah, maybe, yes, and no. But I'd like to keep it...as what? More real? = Non-astrological? No, it is not meant. This whisper, I just don't know... keeping me off focused, or letting me know how unfocused I am becoming... so no more assumptions or whatevernot. Let's be 'real'

Another Big sip.

Don't you wish, that when you meet someone that is in need of some help, and is asking for it and whatever. It's like, you know you can help them. You know the time it will take, the effort, the way, the willingness... But then when you start to become angered... with them... why aren't you becoming fixed? Is it not enough, is it ever enough just to realize "Woah, so this all is fixable, so then what the fuck am I scrambling all over for?" YOu know? If I was worried about how fat I was, and then there was this personal trainer here, and knew she could get me non-fat, would THAT INITSELF fix me, the knowledge that me being non-me is possible... so that thereonwards I would become fixed. I would be fixed. And then... overtime, the physical and mental transition would be true. Truly fixed. Harbouring no more fears of the what if, if any of the once-were's would cross ones mind.. they would at that instant be recognized, and vanished, because sense of it would be made. Maybe it's the making sense of it. Like, the recognition that one is fixable... that is only one sense of a state. The starting point. From which sense grows from, develops, and in the end takes over. Smoothly. Of course, thought-points would pop into the mind, you know the nervous emotions would take over, habits, and how-to-react comforting actions would reassume their place, but ONCE recognized, they would have that certain light shown upon them... thought through, anxieties heard... and a new comfort of new and healing ideas would take place.

The new comfort of new and healing ideas would take place. Creating a sort of fix, of peace. Because all we are are minds attached to bodies right? Within these dimensions, visiting and interacting with others, information passing all about. All it is is a bunch of signals and the likes... and it's really simple to reprogram some things. I know, emotions right. But, I mean.. Today, I have heard, twice, people conversationally laugh at certain things that would and eitherwise DO cause discomfort within them. The topic is of one colour, but the hues of the conversation vary. I really hope that makes the sense. (It's like a person laughing within a conversation of their mother's death, all humourically and all, it still hurts, you assume it's hurting them as they joke of it, but still, within THAT humourous moment... they are not hurt. They are not hurt.)

Another Swallow.

Jake, he's smoking cigarettes, and drinking and whatever, beyond from what he accepts as acceptable. He hates it. He hates that which he does. He dislikes his daily drinking, and daily smoking. He does not like to think about it. He continues... He has this sort of dream, this wishful being within him, wanting to just become a smokeless drinkless being. Because he is one. But for some reason, he's not allowed out. He's drunk silent, out of sadness. Lonliness, lack of purpose (Mercury in Virgo). He's in stalemate himself. And he is consumed by his knowledge that "I should not be here right now doing this, this is wrong and bad for me, I am bad for me".  And then he feeds it further onwards. Whenever I speak with him, I/we end up talking about this, all I hear is abuse of oneself with cigarettes and alcohol. Abuse of their ideals, a reflection of their selfc-onfidence. A lack of stability within their life, a lack of a future. No emotional joy. No comfort. It's good thought o recognize such, but even better to realize, that it is true. You can just become THAT person. The NON-smoker, NON-drinker. THE YOU. You are always, and forever shall be you, right?  So I mean, what with all the lives that which you will no doubtedly own, own them, live them.          . . .. ... . . ... ...... .. .. . .

Two Straw Sips.

Maybe there was a point of time from whence Jake's drinking had become daily. A break-up, moving out? One instance when he was drunk that was formidable.

Moving on... Julie, I saw her (as we all did at the meeting) walk to the back of the crowd and whisper non-whisper like to Maryna that she was out of dresscode. Instituting a certain conduct of herself. "Hey there, I'm the law, become afraid, I can screw you. Up to you if you challenge me, if I shall." That what she was saying. I looked at her with a bit of disgust. There's a little bit of a instability. There's a better way. Give her a sheet, and highlight al that is what you mean to say. Easy & Simple and effective.

Jason Wright, at work the other day... his training co-date partner person, I was speaking out loud that which she was to type into the computer at Starbucks... 'Number?' 1624379' 'Name?' 'Kim' 'Last Name?' and then Jason pops in 'Watson'.  "Yeah I know this chick. I know you." In his mind he's saying this to me. To Alex (the new girl I was directing) I don't know what she actually assumed there... but I know what Jason had done. & I know that it pissed me off. Ticked me off. Then Robin Macapagal came into my workplace today, after I had gone to the Library. He had come to visit this Jason friend of his, and had asked Dalida "Does Kim still work here?" Yes.. And then he reinstated his position at the lakeshore starbucks fromt he past, and started talking about Greg. Dalida = wtf? But that ticked me off, knowing that. FUCK. Not even a week has passed since I have had this Jason kid walk through these doors. Bitch. Makes me want to pick up a pack of smokes. (& What? Pretend everything's alright and smoking a cigarette will do you any good? It'll make things better?)

(I had 'gone out' with Robin in Gr. 10. Jason is one of his friends. I don't know how close..but remains in contact at the least I'd say.)

A 3 part 8 oz. sip.

That was generally my night tonight. Or, this is me tonight. I haven't even said a thing about Dalida's movie yet. Or how she was hesitant of having me walking home at 2:30AM. Neither can I recall what Jessica T. was getting me all mentally ticked off about nor how becoming friends with Dalida almost scares me. Or no, incorrect. Not becoming friends with Dalida, it's rather the... fear of the unknown emotional past.... it's very real with her. Very. She is a stubbornly fixed sign. I aim to at least some how in my respect make things better. To heal. To give support. To give that other side of things. To agree with her. To let her know, she is not worthless. To give her what she needs essentially. To nuture. I fear this. This door. She's unlocking it at we speak. Why do I have fear? Why is it, that I am afraid of what she  bears? Because of the reality of it? My lack of strength to support her, and strength of self to remain committed. Well, she must trust me. Well actually, MOREOVER, I know she does, she has told me, and I do believe her, because I believe to be true, so therefore, it's all true. She trusts me. But, do I trust myself? (Will Smith: iRobot "You must ask the right question.") Do I trust myself to not hurt her. Because she is so real, I would prefer not to cause a nother scar and/or bruise upon her. Because she doesn't deserve such. I fear the impact she is allowing me to have upon her. I could've been a stranger, a thing, a bitch. An unknown and unwanted scoul-fag. But alas, she's trusting me more and more.  The problem is with me. As is like when she had been unsure of letting me out of her house, you know. Not wanting me to get hurt,.... blahblahblah. not letting me go. I got hurt, she wasn't. I just...don't, want to hurt her. ANd, within instances like that... where, she becomes protective and her kind of loving or whatever... I banish, because, it's just not my style, it's too much, and is unwanted. I see characteristics that I do not and have not yet identified myself with. I don't know, and I don't want to know, because... I am not in sync yet.

(Before, most/all times before whenst I would type... I would be sure not to have the length of my typings T O O  long... but now, I care not. I care not.)

I am going to become fit. I will, I will. I have not yet become this insane gym member, what which I'd love to be. And what with winter coming, I'll just go tot he gym on my post-shift days. Go there, in work uniform and all...run for fifteen minutes, maybe hey, even 20. Then work on some muscles... work on some muscles for some quad, inner thighs/outer, biceps, triceps, B A C K, A B S, and then randomly chins and again A B S, and then some more thighs (lightcore)... then run, for 45 minutes, or even 54 minutes. I wonder if I'm capable of reading a book and running, you know how great that'd be. There is of course that women's workout room. I'd make it work. FOR shure. For sure. Serenity of thought.

I'm going to read... and then sleep some. The bed time that which I have given myself is 4:30 AM, and it is presently 4:10 AM. I'll be seeing you soon Astro Land. 

Much Love, Kimberly Watson.

Ontario Canada.

<: -| ]

Printemps

En l'hiver? C'est pas vrai. 

Let it be. But not too much. It's still a trap. But still, keep true & nice & peaceful. Venus w/'er fly trap. Genghis Khan, in the mind. Today I worked on telepathy - or was it workin' me? Meh, words.

Mon p'tit coeur, tu me déçois.

I spent a bit organizing, sulking, trying to find a low. I wasn't really digging it. Dalida gave me her insight of me, I dunno what to call it. I like experiencing highs and lows. It's a thrill, the thrills to this, me. Ah.. yeah. I agree. I mean, comes and goes with the seasons, environment... yeah. 'Cept I'm in stale mate right now, I think. Well, I suppose no no no not really,... but, it's pretty dead around here. & I don't want to bother anyone to come and join me on this wonderful ride. So real sometimes, scares me to death(ish). I'm getting somewhere. It would be really unlike me (maybe) to let myself stop myself. 

What's on T.V.?

Do one thing that interests you tomorrow

To sit, plainly as can be, for two minutes.

Read a newspaper backwards in the mirror.

Write a to-do list, I like doing that.

Maybe even just shut yourself in your closet or something (for neighbourly reasons) and just s.c.r.e.a.m.

Or watch a really cool movie, Call a friend.

Try to find a tape recorder in your house.

Old photos (Not really for me, the right ones get the wrong aches)

I'm going to see if Futurama's on... : )

Feeling newesque. Printemps en l'hiver.