Well I just had started writing a review for this movie called "JULIA" with T, S. something.. she was the evil witch in Narnia.. Tilda S. And then I ended up going back a couple of pages in my history.. yadda yadda, it was gone. Oh well.

I read my first entry to this blog today or last night, and it's a poem. I like it because of it's simplicity, and truth really. I wonder if I am able to this again.

***

I sit, always in my backyard. There is always this time I make for myself.

Peace through the routined nostalgia of having a smoke at night.

I breathe the cool air, as each inhale intoxicates my lungs with debris.

So little.

So little.

I pollute myself in the tiniest, yet ever so consistent methods,

I wonder if this is the only way in which I might accept myself.

Conflicting moments where comfort meets uncomfortable realities.

I desire the things which in the long and short term,

dehabilitiate me.

Plucking the bumps on my skin,

Malnourishing myself,

I contradict any notion of health that

I encourage myself to follow through.

Buy another pack.

Smoke 25 more cigarettes.

I watch as my puddling ashtray grows in these winter months.

It reassures me that I have not grown

away and apart from all that I have been.

The only thing I know of myself is my past.

My advice,

your past does not, and cannot dictate to you

who you are.

For as each moment that passes, brings a you into the new.

Yet, I have more cigarettes to smoke.

And a world without routine is a world,

my world, in chaos.

May peace b'wit'ye.

Love, Shakespeare.

I'm knitting a second hat, and I'm quicker and better than last time. I've messed up only once and the stitches are tight. My coughing has been dull and less phlegmy, and therefore unsatisfying.

Last night before I went to bed I went onto the computer and unblocked Andrew. I was curious and I wanted to lurk. After I had done so, I went to block him again and then it said that I had to wait 48 hours. Well, 12 hours ago he added me - coincidence. Crazy. Anyways, I have to wait another day or so.

Because of the knitting my middle finger on my right hand is killing me. I'm in a drone sort of mood, or have been today - which is fine I guess. I did some sketchbook drawings, watched some Dragon Ball Z. I attempted to print some photos but only accomplished 4 fails. Tomorrow I have school and I haven't done any homework for any of the classes. I have to think about and plan about what I have to do this week, for it's the last week that I may essentially do all my homework.

A good time to start knitting, eh? But hey, my stitches are finer and tighter, and I got about 2 inches done.

May peace b'wit'ye.

The Palace of the Kim Franks

I've been wanting to post this since Monday, but I got an A- on my last essay! And I also started and have now completed a "Where's Waldo" hat for Wayne. Wayne's Where Waldo hat, let's say :}. It's like I've had a giant to do list today, that has in fact been in thought for the last couple of weeks, and I just can't seem to fall asleep tonight. I knew that when Wayne's hat would be complete, I would have to start on my Mom's painting. My first attempt at falling asleep tonight left me getting up after 10 minutes to put on the back-red for the grass. I also managed to paint my cigarette piggy bank, and bring in my shit from the living room. I feel sorta bad, because I've pretty much been the only one in there for the last two weeks, so this week, I'm in my room. I will be painting, and sketchbooking and whatevering really. The next couple of things I want to do before I go to bed, if I don't become too sleepy, is to write out Sketchbook ideas for a good few pages, and then read a chapter of The Palace of the White Skunks by Reinaldo Arenas. I dropped the Anne Frank diary, but I do aim on picking it up again. I'll bring it with me to Oakville, and another Arenas book too. I will be so sad when I finish his Pentagonia or maybe even super thrilled, but still..

So I don't know what else to type except for that I have hunger. Speaking of such, it's interesting to see how in my head I'll propose restrictive diets in my head, but then two days later I say, "Kim, you can't do this, it's counter-productive to what you actually want to achieve, happiness." So then I drop it, but I don't think it's quite balanced. I wrote in my journal an hour or so ago, a list of things I want, and don't want. It was nice to see them manifest on the page.

It includes:

I DON'T WANT TO SMOKE

I DON'T WANT TO BITE MY NAILS

I WANT TO DRINK WATER

I WANT TO READ

I WANT TO DO WELL IN SCHOOL

I WANT TO EAT MORE VEGETABLES

I WANT TO EAT FRUIT

I WANT TO BE VEGAN ISH :)

I WANT OT WRITE LETTERS

I WANT TO GIVE MOM THAT PAINTING

I WANT TO GIVE MY DRAWINGS AWAY

I WANT TO GO BUY FEEDER MICE

AND I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP NOW

Of course I didn't manage to maintain my sleep status, as I am here right now.

But moreover I ended it with, "K. Love you Kim. Do what's right and be healthy." And with an arrow pointing to another scribble, "Your happiness is quite near."

Well I think that's an overall pleasing entry. It's a bit, well I don't know. I find it to be neither optimistic nor pessimistic. Well maybe it's generally upbeat, but the fact that I have to write it down.. meh, I'm not going to analyze why I wrote it down. I did because I wanted to see what I wanted and what I did not want.

Shame, there was another thing which I wanted to jot down, but instead of just staring at the ground trying to remember something, I'm going to get on that Sketchbook listing, and then the Chapter reading.

Wish me luck, and have a good one : )

p.s. Here's the hat, and my current face.

It was the first shot I took, the sound of the photo being taken startled me, so I muted it and then - voila.

p.p.s.! What I had forgotten to say was that I haven't been checking my horoscope since it read "A Special Day". For 2 reasons: 1. I want to assume that I am always being me every day. 2. It becomes depressing for me when I read "A Romantic Trouble" or something foreboding like such, and I voluntarily believe that that day will suck, and I will be a fool ever so sloppy and weak with my actions in my encounters with others, and so on. Furthermore when they're specific to a romantic partner, I don't know of whom I must substitute this, my roommate, my friends? So it's been nice not having to check it. My current home page is Knittinghelp.com which is cool. But yeah that was it. I'm learning to embrace me every day, and trying to not guess where the planets are and such.

K, much love m'love &nd G'd nyte : )

A Special Day

Today is free of transit affects. I am purely me today, which is unsettling, yet accomplishing. Better yet, to contradict myself, it's affirming for me to feel good about myself. Today is me, whole heartedly. Now I know how I am. I will wake up early, I will get ready for school. I will be ready, I will be funny, I will be serious. I will be friendly, and I will be firm. I will be flirtatious and a bit sick. I will cough, I will be strong, and I will give in. I will not indulge, but I will on Wasabi peas. I will do my laundry, but I won't put it all away at once. I will notice my snake, and pledge to feed it before I sleep tonight. I will learn many new things today, none of which are likely to stick. I will develop photos, and almost catch myself falling into crush mode. I reflect, and then I don't. I was a bit annoyed off about some things, but then I didn't end up letting my frustration show that much. It was boredom, and subtly letting people know that they are a nuisance.

Ahh well. I still have no real idea what I'm going to do about my photo project, but I do have photos handy. I have Jake, and then.. will it only be Jake? Or, 22 year old male, I guess I'll say. I need more shots. I was going to take some pictures of Julian tonight.. meaning, I didn't reply to his text for tonight. Because, well.. I just got home. And now I feel rude.

Do I even have film? Yes, I think.

Anyways, another product of my day:

Ahem. A rant.

Inadequacies are all around me today.

I brought no slingshot to school today - and I essentially dug myself into a deeper hole when I attempted, through the magic of improvisational words, to give them precedence. I.e. I was being pretentious. But so whatever.. under the rug, a part of me.

And then this kid was stereotyping me to his other Filipino friends, and hassled me for not knowing 'my own culture'. I said "Hey wait a minute, I'm Canadian." and he was jostling me, asking me if I had my rice for breakfast, and if I brought my rice cooker. He was speaking Tagalog words that I didn't know, and scrutinized me for not knowing what he was saying. I was becoming very shaky, angry, and hurt.

He approached me later being like "Hey, what's your name?" Kim, what's yours, yadda yadda. "I guess that stuff really offends you." Yeah it does, but I guess it's more about me. I was turning it on to me, thinking that I should be proud of where my mother's blood comes from. But then I realized, the only thing that pissed me right the fuck off, and still does, is that if it's not one thing, it's another. It's either I'm Korean, Filipino, from China, I must be Chinese. I should be well versed in Korean and Japanese, and know the differences between each character. I guess I should love fish and pork on Rice, I probably eat a lot of Sushi, every day. I must never hate any sort of fish or meat. It's Asian. Definitely, I must be Asian. Also awesome at Math and Engineering. But I also must be good at drawing anime - I've watched my fair share of the movies. Kim, definitely Korean.

Actually - I'm Canadian. Do not say you're not being prejudice when you're generalizing and concluded who I am, purely because of what I look like to you, resembling to what else you have seen. If I am getting angry, it's because you'ven't shut up yet for me to fucking talk. What marks my skin different to you? If I merely looked more tanned and with thicker hair, and a longer nose, you would relate me to something you had seen before. How are you not oppressing me right now? Why should I not just fight back and rip you apart?

If it's not one thing, it's another. What makes me the fuck-different to you, you fucking ass hole.

YUP

Tolerance and acceptance	***
Valid during many months: This influence will affect both your independence and well-earned recognition. Your tendency to play down your own achievements may now be strengthened leading you to feel somewhat depressed and inadequate. You tend to make great demands on yourself and you may fear that feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty may prevent you from fulfilling them. If your personality is more combative, your mood is likely to swing between aggressively wanting to protect your independence and freedom and times when you feel less capable which may shake your belief in your achievements and personal resolve. You are probably frustrated by your inability to change your spots and overcome your inhibitions and feelings of inadequacy. Your may feel that your vulnerability and uncertainty are holding you back and might prefer to forget that they exist. You may be reminded of some past event in which you felt rejected by your father or other figure of authority you looked up to. Such experiences can be hurtful and leave us feeling uncertain. You may have tried to use achievements to compensate for any feelings of inadequacy or erected strong emotional defences to prevent yourself from being hurt again. However, during this time old wound may reopen, calling your emotional defences into question. You now have the chance to break with old behaviour patterns and to confront any hurt you feel inside. Don't try to suppress your memories and vulnerability associated with them and try to accept them as being part of what you are. If you're able to do this you will develop a feeling of inner tranquillity which teaches us to accept that which we are unable to change. You will receive the recognition you long for when you feel able to accept your total being, including feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today: Saturn Square Chiron, , activity period from 8 November 2011 until end of August 2012

It is nice to have more time to yourself, but it is not nice to be at home - not earning money.

Quel Blague. The first thing she says to me this morning is:

"This man's face." Shows me a face on her computer.

"Yeah, who is he?" I say, squinting.

"I don't know. I love how my homework is to look up faces on the computer." She closes.

Yep. I started no conversation yesterday. All that was said was "Hey." and "Hey." and "Kim, where did you..?" "What Marena?" She's looking in that metal snack holder we have. "What Marena?" She answers back very anxious. "Oh nevermind, I found it in here." Of course you fucking found it in there. Next time just look and don't ask/blame. Pfft, she didn't even open the door all the way, and it was still.. Where did you put it?!

And then I said Good night at 1130, same with her.

But now for today. I will do those two drawings after I have a cup of coffee and a smoke. How will I make this slingshot. I guess after the two drawings, I will see if the art store is open. Wait no, not the slingshot today, the Curating Statement, righttt.

Wish me luck!

Lolz. And then the second thing she says to me is "I have the greatest job in my group for video. I get to ask all these questions and have them answered." Or something other. I didn't even exhale for a pity reaction.