Making food for others can be quite simple and rewarding. Once the confidence is there, wooh hoo! Just have dinner with folks that you like and are easy going. But that's for me at least, because although I know that I have been and can be quite picky at times.. I don't want to cook for a selective person, well.. only if I don't really care much for their opinions or interest. So there, I would be having dinner with the wrong person. But the folks as of late have been quiet and kind. But not really quiet. It's just.. yea.. I think they've been cool blokes, after all.. I don't mind them.

I've never stopped and taken a looks-back away from the computer screen and wondered.. "what am I writing?" I guess this is what .. authors.. or something.. others.. think about when they're writing. Super critical. Or not super critical.. just.. yeah. It's happening again. PAIX!

What state is this I am in?

I'm a girl driven by fantasy. My heart flutters quicker than I am able to read, maybe this is why I find fictional books of romance too uninteresting, unsatisfying. They give way to few fleeting moments of rush, but if you are to meet someone a new, seconds are stretched into days.. and there is a fear of their ceasing-to-be. All I tend to think about in those marathonic stretches is how I should carry myself. How do I want them to remember me by? I could cry, gravel, and shout, and resist.. yet.. there's no justification for me to enact such. Their image of me took precedence over my desire to manifest my internal fantasies. I'm not crazy, but then again, I am. I am crazy. At moments, feelings may rush over me, like tides over a drowning body. A complete submersion into an environment so out of your control, yet you jumped in. Conversely, others may swim in similar conditions, others might not even construct fantasies in their heads... but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't.


There's a lot of inactivity here now, it's a bit boring. I've been keeping myself 'active' by writing, and recording me reading aloud, and filling out forms. There's a lot of.. word things I've been doing. But also cooking. I like the cooking. I'm looking for intimacy right now, I just had an eye exam, and the doctors always get so close to you.. hmm, felt a bit strange. The last time someone was that facially close to me.. well..

I'm at a point where I don't want to follow things through to the end. My self direction is a bit at a lost right now.. or not lost, just at a way slower pace than before. I was recollecting earlier today how often times during July, I would forget appointments I had scheduled around me. It was because there was so much activity in my environment, a constant communication of information, that I had tried to keep up, and in doing so, forgot to pick some other things up too.

I've played the guitar a bit, not much, but it .. I let it say something about me. 

I've started up my camera again - Jake's going to be moving to Cape Breton - so I took pictures of him.

I got my glasses fixed at Hakim Optical today.. I love that feeling.

My butt hurts because I've been sitting far too long.

If I have more time I move slower. Or at least this is how I perceive myself within these moments.

Good Morning Winnipeg's Sun.

I just wrote 40 pages recollecting my last two weeks with a guy from Winnipeg, Manitoba. I started at 1015 AM this morning and it's 10 PM the same night. Of course, there had been the moment when I was cooking, and the moment when I was showering, complete with the pauses in between.. where my pinky was cramping, and I just needed to soak it in what I had just rethought of. And also search through my memory, see which one was which. It was first going as a letter to Olivia, and it still is, that first bit.. I'll just recopy it out or something. But then I just recorded all that was special to me from that time spent there. In the prairie fields.

I said to someone today, via text, that I was going to write a poem about it. It.. "it", I do not recall. Oh I know it. I left my water bottle in Fredericton. And I told Shaun that I would write a song about it.

Virtute the Cat explians her departure.

It had something to do with the pain.
---
And the way I left, so quick.. going.
For a while I , hated you, missing you.
I really didn't.
--
I was left waiting to see what had become of me.
Full of wine gusted and blown lines.
Where no voices ever were born.
You left me her ein this town, forlorne
To return, I knew what I'd had to do and say.
To never talk again to you, we gotta wait, for a year.
you made the choice, to end it. Althought, I am quite you know.
I made the decision, to fuck him.
So blow your self from now often.
Let me, do whomever the fuck I wantt,
How i would hate the taste, of your dick. Your sock was mouldy.

Your sock was mouldly, it smelt my snake's cage.
It was so fucking mould.y
But, I mean, we can continue on now without the other,
I always wanted to just go about and frolick.
Without stinky dicks.

But, now I'm left wondering, why the fuck did I have to leave soooo, soon.
Of course don't think this is about you,
I left my water bottle .

in the central compartments.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~**~*~
...shure

I'm not even going to edit that song.

You'll never regret a workout

I was thinking about going to yoga today, but then while running in the morning, my cramps started to happen, and my blood was getting low or something, I was starting to feel myself being able to faint. My body was very cold in the air and the wind. It was a cool and a bit frightening experience. It reminded me of the Philippineswhen I had fainted into my mom's arms. I guess I called her. I remember getting up and stuff and going to the washroom, and I guess I called her. Or was calling her. And then she arrived at the doorway and caught me. She was freaking out. I think I closed my eyes when she had caught me, because I don't remember how I got to the table. Or what had happened then. Man, fainting is kind of annoying.Your head goes cold andyour eyes shut off, and you can't do anything. It's like you're sleeping on salvia. Or blind on salvia rather. But the only time that I was freaking out because I didn't know what was happening.. like the closest I came to actually fainting was at the elevator. I couldn't wait for it. It was on the 1st floor it said. But it was taking too long for me. And I didn't want to wait, so I started my body off to the stairs. My eyes could see my hand turning the doorknob and then it came to me that I had no idea how the fuck I just got there. But then I started to climb the stairs. Which was actually kind of easy. Like I wasn't out of breathe or anything, my eyes felt as if they were going to fall asleep. And it was a very very lightheaded experience. I was definitely connected to my breathe during this whole experience. All breathes were of a conscious effort.

Mobile in Manitoba

and i dont think Ill be able to type out what i want...shame.

To the fucking horoscope of explanations.

After spending so many nights, late nights, fulfilling tasks and jobs alike.. my company became my friend. My friendliness, became my gateway; so as to include further, more friends.
After spending so many nights, late nights, with my new co-working friends, I have further more bonded with this, one friend.
We hug good bye now
We'll say hello.
Mamihlapinatapai glues our presence together. It sticks in the room. Oh, our laughter is quite together, funnnnilllyy so.
I don't know or understand who they are to me. How and why they effect me.
I hope this ain't a fantasy.

We spent last night together, first shy, then brave, then divergent, then honest, then cooperative, then giving, then kind. But always kind. Always joking. We each have the same guards, the similiarities are astounding. But the similarities describe the fact that we both lack what we each seek and need. Security is described through neither of our personalities.

I don't know what it is, but last night we hugged. They had said, "Well, I guess I'll say bye and give you a hug now." And so as it was said it was done. Then, unbeknownst to me, they had said, "You're a good hugger." Gah fuck. I was hugging like I didn't want to let go. The first first time we had hugged, I was letting go, but they were still latched on, so I continued to hug, then I would let go, but they were still latched on.. Then I continued to hug.. until.. we both let go. They became really comfortable with me, quickly. I feel honored, I feel responsible, I feel like cherishing. I like taking other people's trust of me, but I am afraid it's difficult for me to share back. Which is in by no means a sharing relationship. Am I comfortable with myself?

After our... third hug (I'm counting hugs), last night, I hadn't hugged a friend like that in a long time. It was a different kind of hug. As it was a hug wherein I did not want to let go, I .. when it came time to let go. I managed to turn my head to the right of their chest, as it was my head nustling into them. It was a love hug. A something hug. I found myself that night turning my head left and right as I was trying and should have been succeeding at falling asleep. All I could do, was continue to feel their sweater on my head. I am .. going .. insane?

You can imagine my surprise, I came onto here to speak of the consistently late nights I had been working at Throwing. And also with the subsequent back pain.. you know, to give you an up to date ness. yet.. I nostalgin' over a hug, no.. through a hug.. over a friend.

They are really nice, and there was a point during our strutt last night, as they were telling their family history.... my heart became real, my eyes became real, I became fueled, saddened and in love, I wanted to nurture the family history, I wanted to meet the brother, and the mother. I wanted to be a part of it, so I could just have them see, through what I see of them, even though I have no met the extend two,.. that they need not feel doomed to forever feel how they feel.

But what am I doing. To the horoscope.

Orange Vomit stained Carpet.

Last night and yesterday was very isolating. TOday I plan on going outside. But yesterday, whoo geeze, I bought some gin at 830, the small bombay gin, and had that with this veggie/fruit juice. Sweet tapioca, that was .. I hate vomiting. I hate it when it' on carpet and it's still there but instead you're writing out this blog. Yesterday I did some 'automatic writing' for 45 minutes, or half an hour, or an hour, I don't really know. But That's the only time I outputted anything yesterday.. well. At 4 I finished and then Dalida and I got to texting. I spoke about 10 words yesterday outloud, more realistically.. I'll give it 20, but really. .. Hi, Bye, Bye, It's nice. I like the crunch...That's it. I tried singing in the shower, it's as if I was fucking Aerial, I couldn't even sing. Wow, it was so silent. I didn't go to History class that day, because the idea of going outside and walking was terrifying. I think it's because of the self-awareness of my size. Man, I had beans two days ago, and then I guess that's why I was gasy for 4 hours yesterday, that on top of me wanting to empty out the fridge by eating remaining food. I wrote it all in the automatic writing. The only plan I had last night that I knew I was.. well, I knew I was gunna be silent the whole day. I knew I was going to not go to school. Even though, I felt kinda bad.. but I couldn't go outside in the daytime. People would see my body, and me. And I didn't know how to dress so I would be invisible. I've got a lot of body, and I can't hide it. But so I wrote about this. My thinking and my typing became synchronized actually. It was quite lovely. Very more fluid. Else wise I'd be looking at the text, at tehw rods appearing, and thinking about the words.. rather than the thinking. But anyways.. I told Dalida, beware, Kim's getting drunk now. I have started the bottle.. and I might finish it tonight. HOly sweet pottatoes, I did. And it's gin. And I had it in three cups. Like.. I mixed the gin with equal parts juice. Oh my, thinking about it right now gets me to want to vomit it up. Ahh, the vomit in the room. I took my longboard out and... wait, before that. Okay, yesterday I watched so many documentaries. THe last one I watched was about natural birth. Now, holy sweetness, it was so beautiful. The connection, the giving into the pain, the sharing of that experience. It felt human, real, animal, genuine. The guy was there beside her, and he knew he couldn't give birth, but he wanted to. He was. They all were. The creation. The, hey, check out what you and I made. THanks for being here, I love you. in ways that four letters can't even fucking describe. I started to cry. Super, just letting it leak out. Super silent too, Marena was asleep. Before this documentary, Sam had already called me, and we did a super quick chat.  Cullen was picking him up, I was offering Sam if he wanted to read the thing I wrote.. He didn't .. well.. he did want to read it, but I thik I was pushing on it too much to hear his looking-forwardness to reading it. I have a bit in it where I'm thinking about him as being my forever sorta mate... Like, I let him know I think about these things, not a lot though, like I feel hypocritical because it's either he can't think we're gunna be together for even one more week.. because one can never know anything, one second to the next.. but here I am.. imagining him around me and I'm fucking givin natural birth. ZOMP (zoh-mah-potatoes). Anyways.. he's like, Cullen's here, I'll talk to ya later, bye, love ya, and I reciprocated, and you could hear Cullen "AWW isn't that cute! Love you too Kim!" That made me laugh and smile so much. That was like my first laugh that day, it's fucking 9 or 10 o clock by then (PM). I sent Sam and text saying "Love you too Cullen!" .. I'm sure he got it. But then, after the birthing video was getting to be too much, I called my Mom out on the balcony and cried and cried and cried, telling her that I was watching a Natural Birth video and I'm so happy and filled with love about Giving birth and babies and getting pregnant, and I love her for it, for having me, for being my mother. I was cryyyyyyy-innnggg. I just let all the tears I've been withholding from existence out. That was a good cry. Man, that was good. Ahh, it just felt like.. like as if you were a sponge filled with so much water and weight, and then it was released from you. It felt so natural, relieving, I felt pourous, like holding in a breathe since forever, and then letting it out. I continued to talk on the phone with my mother, even as I grabbed my longboard, put on my shoes and walked out. I wanted to go out to the South end and board amongst the houses. I was on the board for a bit, but I know I stopped for a bit. I was talking to my mom about my Coloscopy appointment, and she was talking about coming here in October to take me to it. I said, I mean, okay Mom, come if you want, like it's already nice to see you, but I don't need it. But It's nice if I see you. She said to go home, she was encouraging hard as some kid who passed by started to talk to me about my longboard and stuff. How he had a friend.. I dunno. I feel, on my head, like I should have had a concussion. When I woke up today I could feel it in my brain, and I'm thinking about Drew Hildebrand, about a crack in the skull, wondering if I could feel it if it were there. I think.. I feel another time too??..Because I have this wound on my knee. But I can't injure my knee and the back of my head at the same time.. I feel.. so I deduce that it must've been twice. God bless my mother for encouraging me to come home. I tried to go to bed.. but the drunkness was only starting to seep into my blood. I texted Jake if he were awake, because I wanted to expell this drunkardness.. but he didn't reply in time.. so I was trying to put myself to sleep.. but layind down, it got so spinning so quickly. All of a sudden I vomited. And it looked like roange white and pink blobs of HufflePuff cluff. Like.. giant cotton balls that were tri coloured and soaked in my stomach goodness. I don't know where I put that stuff even this morning. I'm freaked out I left it somewhere and didn't flush it or whatever.. in the house. Did I wash my hands? I remember vomiting in my hand.. after filled my hand so quick, it fell to the floor also. Then .. I don't know where the stuff in my hand went.. But I know I tried to move the stuff on the carpet floor too. Picking and scraping it up with my fingers.. putting it in this plastic bag. Ugh. I'm done. That was my day, yesterday... and this is my morning. I had the cereal that I was dreaming about.. and I took a long shower.. almost too warm.. but just standing there.. water has mad healing qualities. I'm delayed going to the costco and everything because.. I vomited on my bag a bit. I'll do laundry when I get home.. I'll search up how to best clean up vomit from carpets via google. I'll have baby clams.. after the search. Bad idea to eat before cleaning up vomit?? Who knows...