Painting

hey there.

so never mind all the bad stuff,

cuz it's all good when you're doing something you love, n'est pas? (heh - francais)

Much love, this is it : )

a solid mercury in the 11th house ...

A day at a glance.

Hey, I actually had a really good thing to say. But now I can't remember what it was. I was in the car... and then was pondering about something lovely. Hmm. Maybe later on then....

But some nice things have happened today.

Okay, so I couldn't find my phone last night, and did my laundry wayy too latee. But, still did the laundry, and opened that online alarmclock webpage... slept with my laptop beside my head, furthermost away from mute was the volume... and was awoken by my mother (she is quite awesome like that).. 4:10 in the morning. I went to automatic snooze.. stirred awake once more by the online Alarm Clock that I had set before. 4:25. ("shit, this is it, now you got to get up." blah wa wa. So I went off to work... and I was there by 4:50. Enough time for a smoke. Awesome. But, then I had this weird feeling in my head... that we opened at 5:30 AM. Yes, yes in fact that was true. But being soo tired... and as it was kinda non-comfortably cold out this morning... I curled myself into a body-huddle, and sorta slept. I think within the 50 minutes of being there curled on the pavement.. I opened my eyes like... a generous 20 times. Music playing, I was dozing off.

I got woken up by my assistant manager (hmm, embarrassing..?) lately my punctuality has been quite mutha-damn-lazy. EVEN yesterday, her and I and another opened... and I was asleep at home when she called... ah, anyways. It was nice though. I just was sorta off edge a bit.. you know, feeling a bit "oh shit oh shit, oh shit." But it was good.

She (Julie) ended up calling the original opener (we switched, Chris & I) because I hadn't written it down yesterday (because I'm out of it) ... Chris had a party last night, so it was funny to be awoken up by your manager.. accusing you of not being there... heh-hah. And then he told her it was me, she called my house. My mother answered.. worried, she did a drive by at the store. AHAHA! All she did was park, look at me through the windows... shake her head an awful amount of times. and then drove away.. (hehe). Fairly funny now. But embarrassing then.

It was nice because when I saw Chris at later on, at the end of my shift... we laughed. And it was the joke of the day really. A good uplift essentially. Good good good.

We did the Secret Santa Draw as well. I got this guy whom I enjoy the company of really. He does to me as well. It's neat. I bet you, if we were the same age.. oh ho ho - noo no. But yeah.

And then... came home... hmm.. picked up and paid for some dry cleaning for my mother.. her dry cleaner was P.-O.'D! (pissy missy), even though she is actually really nice. But yeah, so that was a fine good deed.

Feeling good today actually. Venus is in 6 degrees of the Zodiac sign Scorpio.. and this is makes a Trine (good harmony) to my Ascendant which is in 6 degrees Cancer... so I'm all happy today really, and affectionate. I was nice to people today at work too.. which is a generally new thing to happen. You know..

I'll remember what I wanted to saw really later on, or I won't. I dunno.

If you're having a bad day, don't worry. It's just you within the universe today. No biggie, or maybe. But I dunno. Whatever really.

Hmm. YOu know what, I just remembered.. I'll make it in a different blogerie entry though. But a reminder for me.

-Environmental Issues.

-Peoples' Attitudes.

-They are going to die, I am going to die. I am not going to try to kill myself because of their not wanting to agree with me/what I believe.

-Because I will die anyways. So, I agree with them there. But still, they're angry with me. Man, just shut up. I have. I understand. Will you?

Do I understand?

It's good.

There's this girl with whom I work, Julie. She's swell, nice, fine, on edge a bit, but chill... essentially Sun in Libra, and then Ascendant in Virgo...(me setting the personality there a bit), she's actually quite fine in my eyes, like just alright (just as long as we're not combatting or whatever)... so yeah.

I work with her today, and another Libra gal (1989), and it was good. There was no beef at the work place. No discomforts. No faking, no NEED to fake. Aha, I guess just plain old no neediness. So there was plenty of freedom. And non-expectance when it came to work standards. Very good, very very good day. I closed, hence me here at this time...and even though we came out technically late and all, there was no, haste.. and frustration. (Damn, this was good [needed]). But I realized on the drive home, and when it was happening, that a layer of trustworthy bonding was being built between us. Sharing and caring. Advising with sympathy. Damn, good. Aha. I swear, funny things are happening everywhere.

It made me feel good, as it is making me feel fine right now. (Or is it the wine? Naw..regardless..) But there are also dumb-fucking-asses out there. And, one shall be faced with many if one thinkgs that they themselves are not a dumbass. Even though I do believe that I may be at times... all time really. You know. I mean. Yea..

It's just good to establish connections with anything, any one. you know, It leaves you with lesser of reasons to believe that there is ultimate isolation out there/here within this/that world. No chance of true alienation.

Good, good stuff.

Well, I'm going to go and enjoy my Mercury in the 8th house even further now : )

Painting, with long endless songs.... And just to complete some fermented grape drink. You know.

Enjoy your nights (lives) aswell. Heh. -Peace.

Good Dream.

I got up earlier so that I could do this. Write out my dream, and feelings coming out of it, and then thoughts and whatnot. I also am having a cup of wine, at 3:24AM complete with a stale cigarette. Good, the mood is set.

At the start from what I can remember, it was an adventure dream. I know there was more before this, but this is from what I may recall... John, me, and this other 20-30 yr. old guy were in this motorcycle w/ a side cart. Driving and riding along, we were talking of something. I don't know where this guy had in plan for John and I to travel to, but all of a sudden, off the dirt path we're sort of gliding off a cliff. Going to hopefully reach the other path about a mile away, across this water bed. Wow we were fucking high up. Nearing the end of this gap, (so many trees on the approaching cliff side, so tiny too from afar) coming close to our destined path I'm feeling a floating sensation - as if I'm gravitating up off and out of my side cart seat. Ploom, we land. The guy looks at me, "Oh, you didn't like that?" I reply "yeah, not at all. What about you John?", I look at him, and he shrugs it off. He was fine with it. Well then. Riding along, and skipping some parts. I am very active in this dream. Agile, escapist, a lot of leg and body work.

The three of us land. And now we climb this dirt & rock & sand formation. It seems high, but once you've climbed up, you realize, it's just the raised earth and roots of this big & wide tree. We're sneaking up, and we see three other people about 5 metres away, outside of their blue gray mini van. They're lost. And speaking in french. Primarily John, guy & I were hidden, and planning on staying as such, but then I heard the one lady talking with the other guy "Cardinaque?" "Non, ce n'est pas ca." All in all, when I realized that they were speaking french, I revealed myself with some French words. They thought I could speak it, but then following their questions with pure "umm"s and such, the one lady just sorta waved me off. And I had no idea where this Cardinaque place was either, so it was fairly pointless. But just before they started back into their van I realized, wait, Wayne has GPS on his iPhone (the guy is now Wayne). Attends! Wait! "Wayne, search up where Cardinaque is, I know it's around here." So he did, and he went up and just showed the visual directions of how to get there on his iPhone to these lost-trio. After this, we groups, separated to our own ways; us now travelling down this hill. Bumpy, holey, and forcing us to trot a bit down.

We're in a playground, with Wayne, and John-someone, and some two other people. One of the parts I remember is that I was trying to become out of reach of Wayne, so I sort of jump air kicked off of his head to escape his potential grasp of me. I could feel his grip on my pants, but a double kick got me out of there. Then, this sense of escapism came over me. Whomever I was with, I wasn't with them, but I was trying to get away from their potential harm of me/ capture. Over the scenery of playgrounds, and roof tops, staircases, and appartments, I was always cunning when it came to even the closest of potential captures. I got out of each of their grasps of me. A quick spurt of energy, and I was outta there. It all felt slow motion though. The amount of energy I was using, I could feel its pull. But then we come to a more distinct scene.

I'm on this apartment building's rooftop/fire escape staircase. I was fleeing the attention of these three guys. Generally, Filippino looking sorta, but that's not really too important. So they pretty much had me, shit. I pretended to give up and be like 'damn, you got me.' But again, one second, and I was twirling out of their reach through these handrails out past the staircase and on tot he roof... finding myself in this other situation.

Some parts are past by my recollection now, but it's nighttime. Roof of this apartment room, is clear glass windows. I can see in. It looks like an office, a job place. I see twenty or so people moving about. What is this place? I'm using my elite movement to cross even the trickiest of spots on this building. Foot here, hand there, upward body thrust outta here and we're good. But... yadda yadda I'm unsure until I am trying to reach one person in this room. I'm hiding from this other one, and she's protecting the one whom I wish to see, from me. I'm trying to see Chelsea. This older lady is quite preventative. And the other people within this workplace are confused when they catch glimpses of me. But all in all, they dislike the other woman, so therefore do help me. Chelsea's locked in this room, with only the other woman entering and exiting. Actually, Chelsea did come out once. So I moved atop the glass window roof, and managed to caught eye contact with her. She knew I was there to see her, and it wasn't strange. It's not like 'woah whaddya doing here?' It's like, 'okay, you're here, good, this is the plan.' She sent Chelsea to her room, and the other people resumed their places.

When the older lady (authoritative no doubt) left, I entered this office room through one of the glass windows, just slid it open. And curved my body in. I went to the mini fridge, and was looking for soda. A girl came up to my left side and I asked her "Hey, which soda do you think she would like? Do you have Diet Soda; Diet Coke?" Sure enough she did, so I had one diet coke and one regular in my hands, and exited through the same window.

I'm crossing the roof and I can hear the glass make its creaks here and there at each step, and I can see some of the people look up to take some glances at me. The one girl that helped me with my soda dilemma is following me with her eyes. It was the window through which I entered Chelsea's room too. We sat. I think I was pleading to her, how sorry I was. But she was doing the same too. So generally we were agreeing with one another and to ourselves. But too quick was this, the doorknob was turning and then I jumped up to the window as Chelsea went to block the door, but too weak, the lady pushed it open and I caught her eyes as I was leaving. Definitely saw me. Strange though, because now the only way for me to exit, nevermind being outside, I had to run out through the hallway (once I exited through the window of Chelsea's room, I was exiting the door to this apartment) and I was running through the hallway, and entered the staircase. Only two flights up was I, so the old lady opened the door to the stairway and was able to see me. But she didn't chase me. All we did was give eachother these very strong stares into the other's eyes, challenging, warning, protective, and scared, but still almost fearless... She let me go, I had done my deed.

But as I am outside of this apartment building, I'm turning left, it's nighttime out, and there's this gathering of people outside the apartment on the front and left-side lawns. Just socializing a bit, and chilling. But there are few words, few whispers, and I have to go up this hill in order to go to the back of the building, the grass is dark, and there's only one light from the back of the building that's being cast over this hilltop. Neither high nor steep I walk up, catching the glances from these groups of people. They're very silent, but their eyes leak with curiousity and a bit of hunger, maybe. But I'm going to the back of the building because I want to see Chelsea's Balcony. And oh my, the words that I was hearing.

"You told me that she was the worst thing that ever happened to you!"

"Yeah I know, but now it's different. And we're fine now"

"How stupid could you be, have you forgotten what she has done to you?"

"No."

"I just don't understand why you're even bothering now with her, all of a sudden."

"Well she came to me..."

"You shouldn't be talking to her."

As I was over hearing this, I could feel my heart becoming sad, and grieved. But I was happy, in a way, because I could sense the feelings of warmth within Chelsea's words. She knew that I did not go there to hurt her, or myself, I just went to heal, and fix, and feed, and give. But with no instructive for our future, but just a hope that there may still be one.

Ahh, the task of mending.

Blabble

Yes, even though, I am here, saying my own little formation of words... blah-da yadda yah-blah.

Shut up. Shure. Okhay. Like yes, we all believe our own certain things, tid bits. We each have our own reasons...assuring as they sound and may be. Our resources. Our truths and lies. Our lives. What we have seen, and sensed in general. What, we each just bet to be what is true. Or maybe not, but hey, we're willing to gamble on it. All in all, we're all fucking dumbasses. Idiots. Perverted little geniuses. Thinking that we can think. Thinking we each have our own little shade of what is pure-truth in each of our little noggings.

Yeah, I can feel this keyboard. Yeah, I did work today. Yeah, I have no way of prooving that I am actually here. There is all of this mumbo jumbo around us. I nod, and give the vague argreements with whatever conversation I'm having...each bloak I speak with, or listening to ramble on (including you to me, yeah, I know) they're defending their words. As if they've always been hit with some retaliation each time they've spoke. YOu know what I'm saying? They're letting a little bit of steam off, and giving their side of the story, and letting me know what's what...gentle and/or not. But still, what's it is that I'm thinking in my head, how amazing it is, that we're all crap snorters in the end. I dunno! It's just...formidable. Of course, I'd love to have my way and speak to peoples among persons and tell them how it's all supposed to roll, but in the end, I usually die out, maybe. I mean, catch me on a good topic (that I say is good) and then you start to hear my tid bits of what's what, that's all in all backed up with some emotions. YOu know. I PUT MY EMOTIONAL SECURITY INTO ME THINKING THIS. I am this person because of what I've been always saying inside of my mind.

Do you know the conversations I've had with myself? Yes, you do. You've had them aswell. You're the exact same as me, as I am to you. They are to us. We are to you, you and them, me and us. Blah blah, don't matter. Each word gives an illusion to a chance of reality.

I dunno.

I mean, believe what ever you want to fucking believe.

A sane mind can't even proove to itself that it is sane.

Just fuck it. I don't mean give up, but I mean, shut up, in a way. Or don't really...

Hmm, what am I trying to say..?

I dunno, figure it out I suppose - it's your own shit.

There's no Substance that can take my 'problems' away from me.

None that may pay my debts, fill me with intelligence, a lack of a home, and none that will give me a family. To replace love, and erase.

To end all would generally be it, non?

Silly girl, don't you feel your heart's gentle pounding?

It's never stopped. It's started it's function since you were a pre-world being. It is your friend, it's been there for you. I guess, well I mean I guess that you should at least just love it. You have yourself to love and to admire.

Now go, and do this more often.

"This is the only time I really feel alive"

I pretty much only type on here when I'm angry. Or something. I have a desire for this, but don't want.

Reminder Reminded,

Although those feelings were real from before, I um... have changed my pace. I worry about how others will see me. How do they perceive me? Is it exactly from how I believe I present myself? Express myself? I am very egotistical, and cocky right... but for what reason? My sun sign, isn't too strong about things... there's no real reasoning for me have such a large ego. I suppose I do any how. If anyone congratulates me, or gives me kudos on being spectacular or whatever anything positive, I disagree. I shun them down (afterwards when I blow my ego up in front of others, retelling this story of admirence) and say how they know nothing about me, and they probably think such about me because of some sort of lack that they have. And the other way as well, if some one is hating on me, spotting out my dusty parts, and saying how much I suck and all things negative, I become very spittis in their eyeis. Retelling this story of ridiculousness, how could anyone have ever said that I suck?! Blah blah, no one ever wins.

Feeling low now, realizing how much I am amazing at sucking, just naturally... I have no strong sun relationships. I realize I am full of shame over my self, over my beliefs (veganism / eating habits)... this is how I choose to live and I am embarrassed by it. Embarrassed by it because it makes me different. Yesterday, within a small circle of people of whom were having their own little potluck of chicken curry, feta pizza, and beef chili, and rice, and brownies... I had the rice w/ curry. I already had dinner too. But, instead of being the only person of this group whom would not eat, I ate. I could've only had the rice... it would've been fine... but instead of looking like a girl who would only eat the rice, in fear of presenting myself as a chick who could only allow herself to eat the rice... I put the milk chicken curry on it. Now I thought that it was just going to be milk, with potatoes in this pink curry stuff. Pink curry, strange. But I had a bite of the chicken.. and was like, damn, why do they put fish in here? Awell... I mean, I've been wanting to have fish anyways... But then I pinched a piece of chicken cube in half with my spoon and realized... damn, that's not flaky, that's damn chicken. I still ate. Not the chicken though. I just ate around it. Of course some bits, the small ones, ended up upon my spoon, but I, just, don't know. I did it, so I wouldn't become singled out.

But still.. along came the brownie time, I didn't want any "Hey Kim, why aren't you having any brownies?" -"Naw, I just don't feel like it" "Oh come on, just have one, they're really good, you should have one." -"Naw thanks, I'm good." "What? Are you like one of those kids that doesn't like chocolate?" -"Well yeah, I just don't like the taste of it" "Well whatever, you should just try one anyways" -"Yeah, maybe."

Man, I've already fucking swallowed a chicken cube, I don't want no fucking milk in my tea, no eggs in my brownies, no nothing. (Today, I had a White Macadamia cookie, a bite of one) (I just am recollecting right now).

I consolidated with Wayne. He said, pretty much, that I should not worry about how others look towards me. It does not matter. Just as long as I know who I am, what I am doing, and believe in it, then I am pardoned from any questions. (But I just fucking am tired of having to explain, I am barely able to explain to myself). Who am I? What am I doing? Why do these people continue to talk to me? I do not want to have them question anything of me any more. I am tired of their prodding. I do not like their eyes gleeming over me. Not agreeing with me, and then agreeing with me.

Apparently though, whilst I was outside in conversation tonight with Dalida... we (she) came across a (potential reason) for my ego. Sun in Gemini & Moon in Sagittarius relationship. Opposites. My ego stems from self-defence and insecurity. I want to be SO DIFFERENT, not like any of these other fuckers out there. Not like any of these ridiculously dumb-headed stupidealistic bimbos out there. But then again, I want to be like everyone else, to be a part of this all. To not be left alone and secluded, to not be different from all else. So, My ego is always sharp and high up, because I react second to how others act towards me. But my ego is up, and I am oh so retardedly cool because I do not want them to see how much I hate them, but still need them. My uncertainty has a strong potential for leaking through, but I very much so would not like it for them to see. For anyone to see. Man, I don't even want to see it, because then it doesn't need to exist right? Quel Blague Mang! It's still here. It's still here right now.

For the rest of my life..

Reminder:

People. Taboo. Taboo over relationships w' Food.  Eating. Oneself. Why is it awkward when one person speaks of shitting, pissing, loving... Not awkward when one person gawks over shoes, houses, scarves, asses. It's good to hate yourself. Never good to become better. Never acceptable when an other person becomes self-improved, more self-improved with effort and outcome in contrast to me. It's okay for me to humour myself amongst the company of my peers, and to humour them, with putting myself down. (myself = oneself). Unacceptable to release the built up hateful truth, it's building. (Maybe or maybe not that one yet...)

Different scenes of Taboo. How it effects me with my own relationships with what is natural, including how I myself naturally am. How it effects my relationship when it comes with new acquaintances. Meeting and socializing for the first time, judging becomes second nature to me, and I do not like it. But the reasons are out there. And then I recognize that which I am doing, and then I judge myself, and end up liking my self based on my reactions, less than before.

Reminder:

Thanks.

Hamilton + Thursday + Peoples of the manys.

Whenever I meet new people, and we start just socializing, I surprise myself with my opinions or whatever. I don't know. It's like I create my own friends, or there are only a few people that I have actually met whom have been able to just rebirth themselves into the being that which they wish to be. But ... I mean, it could be any given person right, I may befriend anyone in any certain realm/universe over a certain past, or desire of the future... Aren't we all able to lock with another in some artful form?

Boarders for security. Why can't I become the greatest bestfriend to one of my managers? Highschool Teachers? Why is it so 'awkward' to become a soul bound confidante/ bestfidante to any random soul? Some times you get tired and let down by being the person whom makes the first step. BUT FUNNY!.. because as I was just thinking that... there's Dalida of whom I see one of those friendships happening with, and at a glimpse of the depth or what-have-it-may-be... I got scared a bit. I recognized me getting scared too. I didn't like that aspect of me. I mean, she's a solid person and definitely deserves the chance to believe that she is a great person. We all do, even within our own self-judging eyes (quite harsh they may be at times (and blind aswell)). So why did I get scared? 

Does it use a lot of energy to love a person? Is it renewable? Or is it some act that which causes oneself to die down? Soon someone may have no more of the emotional courage and strength to just love and love again. But I mean, there's always that hope (And high change of truth) that there come a person that just lifts and heals your heart in all those ways, sharing with you (if you're willing to believe) that you CAN start again. And it's your hopefulness that ALLOWS yourself to start again.  I think it's not soo great for your chances of happiness, if that once you catch and find yourself within a hole of a certain darkness, you've become/are so stubborn as to NOT-believe the existence of a light, right in front of you. Choosing to not believe that you are seeing it. Hallucinating, going blind, but realizing what it real. I mean.. both are true sides to the same coin. But if you want to be on the other side, I mean, just flip again. 50% chance you'll make it, conditional to whether or whether not you try.

I like believing everything, it creates a certain reality of my own. No one's in it yet, I don't recognize any one knocking. But that comes all with sharing, right? But they all make it real, in a sense.

*Note: I encourage people to read Reinaldo Arenas' books & autobiography. Why? To hear what your brother has been saying to you, indirect teachings.

Planet Workout

I did it. Very good. Even though I went off after work, tired as fuck, still got it done. On the bus ride there, full bus, full of students from Sheridan... I started to nap. Eyes were becoming so heavy. I had to rest them, in order to avoid falling asleep. At one point, I even ended up with being startled with a body JOLT!, I ended up startling my bus-seat neighbour too. "Sorry", I apologized. Even though we both had our headphones on. I got off, and started my way walking. I've never known where to actually go, nor paid attention when driving... just followed what Google Maps had told me, I wrote the directions at the back of a photograph, something mixed there, I know it. But I don't want to deal with it now, nor whenever... toodles to that thought. But it was generally nice. I was thinking of napping in the changing room, but then decided that that wouldn't be a good idea. My end of holiday celebration.

My parents are home now. I've already distanced my self. Me and my younger brother have already started yelling at them. Damn that shit. & I would scream it too, if it would do any good. But until that's true, it's a lifetime of silent anger.

I was feeling good until I had some of these frozen (but thawed) Uttoti? Utto___ something bread stuff, with this chutney. WOW, it's been hurting for the last 1.5 hours. Now I'm having a shot, to make it all better. NAWT, but fuck this tummy-ache bull shit.

Good things today: I read. I didn't want any cigarettes. I feared being caught in the future to smoke any, the custom & obligation too. ( I absolutely hate it, when I can't say that "Yes, I do plan on stopping, & I haven't had a cigarette in a while... BECAUSE I stop myself, in fear of being the person-who's-done-it, in front of some chick who's been trying to stop for AGES, and just is a WHINER about it. ) I hate it (how I will act. They're fine, they're doing what they do. BUT I don't like what I'm doing. NOT even the reason for why I'll do it. Grumpy as f*ck when it comes to this & the similars) ...Another good thing: I got up early and prepared all my foods today. Had a sandwich, and brought protein to make into a smoothie at work. Ridiculous how happy THAT will get me. And now, I know my weekend plans. & I haven't been biting my nails. & I've organized all the loose photos that I've had in a box for 2 years into some four.5 albums. Now to only do the childhood photos.. that'd be awesome.

Yeah, now I'm thinking I'm sounding dumb. But fuck it, I love organizing. Or at least, how it relieves tension within me. Hardwired, as Linda put it.

There we go.

Saturday 3:04 AM Saturday October 30th, 2010

Well the day has been generally fine. Yesterday I had planned my physical-potential path, and I became good with what I had planned. Grounded with it. Walk to work, buy liquor, walk to library, walk back to Starbucks, walk with Dalida to her house, watch movie, room for chat, run home. & It all happened. Subtract the walk to Dalida's  (after Starucks' Close) for Linda had driven us home, which is ultimately fine, all the better to arrive at the next-in-line plan ahead; the movie. Movie? Video Clip? Video. 

So much in my head. I was washing some dishes, and then some two things Had popped within my head, making me decide to write a blog... one had to do with Jessica T, some thing that had bugged me, about what she had said...done, some thing from today. Another had to do with my night with Dalida... guilt themed? Perhaps.

I have a cup of White RUm + Apple Juice beside me right now. I can smell it. I don't really think I like it... the fuzzy feelings. But there is some thing that was bothering me, a lot actually, today... kept it all in and aside from what I wanted to be focused on. Was the day poroductive? Maybe, in an illusionary productiveness became of it. Well no, rather a sense of accomplishment. I had a cigarette off of Julie today, she is very nice, for some reason I became very forcefully awkward and odd with her when I remet her at the Library. My dialogue gave me this sign.

Dalida painted my thumbnail.  Me and nuturing? Healing others? First sip of this fine beverage, it's seeming alright. It's as if, I see that they are hurt, and feeling down and broken, in need. In need of another point of view, another agreeance, a good lesson... they just need something that which I can give, and then, it's just whether or whether not I shall try to help them out. The more I try, then the more, perhaps, I become attached. As I type this, the more I start to whisper-think at the back of my head 'astrology' 'cancer' blah blah, maybe, yes, and no. But I'd like to keep it...as what? More real? = Non-astrological? No, it is not meant. This whisper, I just don't know... keeping me off focused, or letting me know how unfocused I am becoming... so no more assumptions or whatevernot. Let's be 'real'

Another Big sip.

Don't you wish, that when you meet someone that is in need of some help, and is asking for it and whatever. It's like, you know you can help them. You know the time it will take, the effort, the way, the willingness... But then when you start to become angered... with them... why aren't you becoming fixed? Is it not enough, is it ever enough just to realize "Woah, so this all is fixable, so then what the fuck am I scrambling all over for?" YOu know? If I was worried about how fat I was, and then there was this personal trainer here, and knew she could get me non-fat, would THAT INITSELF fix me, the knowledge that me being non-me is possible... so that thereonwards I would become fixed. I would be fixed. And then... overtime, the physical and mental transition would be true. Truly fixed. Harbouring no more fears of the what if, if any of the once-were's would cross ones mind.. they would at that instant be recognized, and vanished, because sense of it would be made. Maybe it's the making sense of it. Like, the recognition that one is fixable... that is only one sense of a state. The starting point. From which sense grows from, develops, and in the end takes over. Smoothly. Of course, thought-points would pop into the mind, you know the nervous emotions would take over, habits, and how-to-react comforting actions would reassume their place, but ONCE recognized, they would have that certain light shown upon them... thought through, anxieties heard... and a new comfort of new and healing ideas would take place.

The new comfort of new and healing ideas would take place. Creating a sort of fix, of peace. Because all we are are minds attached to bodies right? Within these dimensions, visiting and interacting with others, information passing all about. All it is is a bunch of signals and the likes... and it's really simple to reprogram some things. I know, emotions right. But, I mean.. Today, I have heard, twice, people conversationally laugh at certain things that would and eitherwise DO cause discomfort within them. The topic is of one colour, but the hues of the conversation vary. I really hope that makes the sense. (It's like a person laughing within a conversation of their mother's death, all humourically and all, it still hurts, you assume it's hurting them as they joke of it, but still, within THAT humourous moment... they are not hurt. They are not hurt.)

Another Swallow.

Jake, he's smoking cigarettes, and drinking and whatever, beyond from what he accepts as acceptable. He hates it. He hates that which he does. He dislikes his daily drinking, and daily smoking. He does not like to think about it. He continues... He has this sort of dream, this wishful being within him, wanting to just become a smokeless drinkless being. Because he is one. But for some reason, he's not allowed out. He's drunk silent, out of sadness. Lonliness, lack of purpose (Mercury in Virgo). He's in stalemate himself. And he is consumed by his knowledge that "I should not be here right now doing this, this is wrong and bad for me, I am bad for me".  And then he feeds it further onwards. Whenever I speak with him, I/we end up talking about this, all I hear is abuse of oneself with cigarettes and alcohol. Abuse of their ideals, a reflection of their selfc-onfidence. A lack of stability within their life, a lack of a future. No emotional joy. No comfort. It's good thought o recognize such, but even better to realize, that it is true. You can just become THAT person. The NON-smoker, NON-drinker. THE YOU. You are always, and forever shall be you, right?  So I mean, what with all the lives that which you will no doubtedly own, own them, live them.          . . .. ... . . ... ...... .. .. . .

Two Straw Sips.

Maybe there was a point of time from whence Jake's drinking had become daily. A break-up, moving out? One instance when he was drunk that was formidable.

Moving on... Julie, I saw her (as we all did at the meeting) walk to the back of the crowd and whisper non-whisper like to Maryna that she was out of dresscode. Instituting a certain conduct of herself. "Hey there, I'm the law, become afraid, I can screw you. Up to you if you challenge me, if I shall." That what she was saying. I looked at her with a bit of disgust. There's a little bit of a instability. There's a better way. Give her a sheet, and highlight al that is what you mean to say. Easy & Simple and effective.

Jason Wright, at work the other day... his training co-date partner person, I was speaking out loud that which she was to type into the computer at Starbucks... 'Number?' 1624379' 'Name?' 'Kim' 'Last Name?' and then Jason pops in 'Watson'.  "Yeah I know this chick. I know you." In his mind he's saying this to me. To Alex (the new girl I was directing) I don't know what she actually assumed there... but I know what Jason had done. & I know that it pissed me off. Ticked me off. Then Robin Macapagal came into my workplace today, after I had gone to the Library. He had come to visit this Jason friend of his, and had asked Dalida "Does Kim still work here?" Yes.. And then he reinstated his position at the lakeshore starbucks fromt he past, and started talking about Greg. Dalida = wtf? But that ticked me off, knowing that. FUCK. Not even a week has passed since I have had this Jason kid walk through these doors. Bitch. Makes me want to pick up a pack of smokes. (& What? Pretend everything's alright and smoking a cigarette will do you any good? It'll make things better?)

(I had 'gone out' with Robin in Gr. 10. Jason is one of his friends. I don't know how close..but remains in contact at the least I'd say.)

A 3 part 8 oz. sip.

That was generally my night tonight. Or, this is me tonight. I haven't even said a thing about Dalida's movie yet. Or how she was hesitant of having me walking home at 2:30AM. Neither can I recall what Jessica T. was getting me all mentally ticked off about nor how becoming friends with Dalida almost scares me. Or no, incorrect. Not becoming friends with Dalida, it's rather the... fear of the unknown emotional past.... it's very real with her. Very. She is a stubbornly fixed sign. I aim to at least some how in my respect make things better. To heal. To give support. To give that other side of things. To agree with her. To let her know, she is not worthless. To give her what she needs essentially. To nuture. I fear this. This door. She's unlocking it at we speak. Why do I have fear? Why is it, that I am afraid of what she  bears? Because of the reality of it? My lack of strength to support her, and strength of self to remain committed. Well, she must trust me. Well actually, MOREOVER, I know she does, she has told me, and I do believe her, because I believe to be true, so therefore, it's all true. She trusts me. But, do I trust myself? (Will Smith: iRobot "You must ask the right question.") Do I trust myself to not hurt her. Because she is so real, I would prefer not to cause a nother scar and/or bruise upon her. Because she doesn't deserve such. I fear the impact she is allowing me to have upon her. I could've been a stranger, a thing, a bitch. An unknown and unwanted scoul-fag. But alas, she's trusting me more and more.  The problem is with me. As is like when she had been unsure of letting me out of her house, you know. Not wanting me to get hurt,.... blahblahblah. not letting me go. I got hurt, she wasn't. I just...don't, want to hurt her. ANd, within instances like that... where, she becomes protective and her kind of loving or whatever... I banish, because, it's just not my style, it's too much, and is unwanted. I see characteristics that I do not and have not yet identified myself with. I don't know, and I don't want to know, because... I am not in sync yet.

(Before, most/all times before whenst I would type... I would be sure not to have the length of my typings T O O  long... but now, I care not. I care not.)

I am going to become fit. I will, I will. I have not yet become this insane gym member, what which I'd love to be. And what with winter coming, I'll just go tot he gym on my post-shift days. Go there, in work uniform and all...run for fifteen minutes, maybe hey, even 20. Then work on some muscles... work on some muscles for some quad, inner thighs/outer, biceps, triceps, B A C K, A B S, and then randomly chins and again A B S, and then some more thighs (lightcore)... then run, for 45 minutes, or even 54 minutes. I wonder if I'm capable of reading a book and running, you know how great that'd be. There is of course that women's workout room. I'd make it work. FOR shure. For sure. Serenity of thought.

I'm going to read... and then sleep some. The bed time that which I have given myself is 4:30 AM, and it is presently 4:10 AM. I'll be seeing you soon Astro Land. 

Much Love, Kimberly Watson.

Ontario Canada.

<: -| ]

Printemps

En l'hiver? C'est pas vrai. 

Let it be. But not too much. It's still a trap. But still, keep true & nice & peaceful. Venus w/'er fly trap. Genghis Khan, in the mind. Today I worked on telepathy - or was it workin' me? Meh, words.

Mon p'tit coeur, tu me déçois.

I spent a bit organizing, sulking, trying to find a low. I wasn't really digging it. Dalida gave me her insight of me, I dunno what to call it. I like experiencing highs and lows. It's a thrill, the thrills to this, me. Ah.. yeah. I agree. I mean, comes and goes with the seasons, environment... yeah. 'Cept I'm in stale mate right now, I think. Well, I suppose no no no not really,... but, it's pretty dead around here. & I don't want to bother anyone to come and join me on this wonderful ride. So real sometimes, scares me to death(ish). I'm getting somewhere. It would be really unlike me (maybe) to let myself stop myself. 

What's on T.V.?

Do one thing that interests you tomorrow

To sit, plainly as can be, for two minutes.

Read a newspaper backwards in the mirror.

Write a to-do list, I like doing that.

Maybe even just shut yourself in your closet or something (for neighbourly reasons) and just s.c.r.e.a.m.

Or watch a really cool movie, Call a friend.

Try to find a tape recorder in your house.

Old photos (Not really for me, the right ones get the wrong aches)

I'm going to see if Futurama's on... : )

Feeling newesque. Printemps en l'hiver.

Grand Water Trine; Sun Moon Chiron

I mesh as above with Dalida. It's cool actually, it's a healing aspect - Chiron. An M.I.A., but still there, moon of Saturn.

I forgot that I knew to sing the 2nd Coheed & Cambria album. Always a pleasant surprise.

I tend to become envious of people whom are able to just RELEASE, and not give a shit. TO act like a dumbass, an emotionally unrestrained ass-face. Ripping holes into other people... We're all capable of doing this... but it's as if, it's not a part of a I'm-becoming-better-at-handling-myself lifestyle of progression.. progression? I don't know, sometimes it sucks trying to become the 'nicer' you. It's easier to just be the fucker, in those moments... but, you know it's more gratifiying in the longer run to just not.

Someone thought I was Piscies before... that was nice. And then another, Dalida actually, thought I was Virgo, not so nice, heh. But, she usually tends to guess others' signs with a miss. But an accurate enough try... yeah.

Listening to music is quite the emotional release. I suppose I enjoy NIN and C&C because they're all singing like "I hope you die now", and... well, NIN's lovely nasty verbular taste... it creates a feeling of satiety within me, you know? You know now.

There's so much more to learn, and you know what, Patience is quite the fricken virtue that is a difficult almond to swallow. I swear, about 10 times a week I end up with mad urges of just giving up, to just no longer attempt to make any attempt at whatever direction of something for that I aim. I judge others, and myself. I judge myself judging others. Ah, it's like a bike ride that's not so enjoyable as you'd think it'd be.

Wear your heart on your sleeve, it's easy I suppose with a Cancer ascendant. Most of us have got it, I'm just going to say without actually reallllly thinking about it. But, most definitely other ascendants have got this feeling too. Blah blah, venus' aswell. It's all there.

Good bye Waning September Moon, see you when you're new. 

not.

Hah! Get it... because you can't see a full moon, ahaha. Damn.

इ हद तो रन होम एंड गेट अ सिगारेत्ते.

"दविदुफ्फ्स" इस थे ब्रांड। फ्रॉम वित्हीं माय एक्षिस्तेन्तिअल बुक, आईटी स्पेअक्स ऑफ़ कोन्स्किऔस्नेस्स ओदसद्नेस...एंड थें तो बे साद। इ दुन्नो। बुत वहत इ दो क्नोव, इस ठाट इ ऍम इन फक्त एनाक्टिंग अ सर्टेन टाइप ऑफ़ सद्नेस। इ'म नोट सुरे ऑफ़ तो वहत डिग्री इ शौलडी बे एक्टिंग आउट थिस सैद सद्नेस। बुत, आईटी'स स्टील बेंग फेल्ट। दमन, आईटी सुच्क्स व्हेन ओने लोसेस। बुत इ लुक फॉरवर्ड तो व्हाटेवर ग्रेट फुतुरे बेहोल्ड्स फॉर में। जुस्त स्मोकिंग अ सिगारेत्ते, एंड हविंग सोमइ रूम ओं थे रोच्क्स। हाउ इ अफ्फेक्ट म्य्सेल्फ़। कुइते फूं लिखे.

लेम्मे जुस्त रन होम फॉर अ बीत.

ओके, वही थे फुक्क इस माय सहित तुर्निंग इन्तो अरबिक और सोमेथिंग और ओथेर.?

This is a Negation

I like you, I like how I like you.

Sept 28th, first

Good, yet not good?

All around bad, but still, not?

Wednesdays, how was my wednesday...?

Mix of all things, spiritual, organized, motivated, absurd, lovely, empty... a strange pie, lemme tell yah. More laid back. Gone with the flow. Accepted? Is this what I feel? Not accepted, but I am more receptively accepting my surroundings. Taking it in?

Quite peculiar.

What am I saying? What do I ever say? If there are words that I speak, what do they say? What do others with hearing perceive? Do they hear me, my words, or words then me? So many ways I could mumble this stuff.

All I know, is that I was full of happy aspirations last night. This morning, I was pulling and tugging on those same thoughts and feelings from last night. Come midday, loops were filling my mind. Then afternoon, gone about with some Pure-Folkish-Friends...It was calming. New, nervous & interesting. Went out. Filled with excitement. But still... at the end of the day, I experienced vomitus of all things good today. But, I let myself do such. Decided. There's no real disappointment for these things, only... acceptance still. Acceptance that some certain failure would satisfy my day, on my night's end.

Cryptic, and then not. Full in existence. With nothingness still intact,

damn I've gotta read that book.

Love? Kim?

I am sanctified

10 minutes to write this blog.
Not like it's never happened before, but without pressure.

All I know is that I'd like to type out some-tHINgs, but, I dunno.
You know, there's this Virgo chick...with whom I use to work...but then she got another job in the plaza wherein I work. The only relation I had with her, was our vegan-ness. All we'd do when we'd hang out, was EATAMOHFOHKIN'LOTTAFOOD. And then sit down, watch movies..she'd say she was 'hungry' after this MEALLAFUCKINTASTICFOODINGULFMENT...and then cook and eat a hell of a lot more. This was the routine. Now. I'm a Gemini...and she was a virgo, all you other lovelies out there might be able to catch this vibe of HORRID-NESS. She's quite possessive of anyone, wants to cook shit for them, but also is inconsiderate.. One time, she had a chick who was SODAMNBROKE to buy her ALLOFTHISEXPENSIVEORGANIC-CRAPTASTICFOODS, with her insufficient fundings...because SHE(VIRGO) wanted to cook. And eat. And no doubt do nothing else but supply ample amounts of silence. Awkward Silence. ("Why am I here?" "Why is she here?" "Holy crap, pleaseFUCKINGLEAVE") Were the transparent thoughts floating in the air, no doubt. Same here though. No conversational substinance. The only way for me to handle this crap was to become this cheerful bubbly fuck. &, Since recognizing that I dislike this so much... I have no longer replied or anything, you know, just shunheroff my list. BUT SHE DON'T GET IT. She came into my work yesterday, THE FIRST DAMN DAY I'VE TAKEN OUT MY BIKE FOR A MONTH, since seeing my bike, she came in. Looking all insecure & Sad as horse shit....GAAAAAAAHH. Fucking torture. "Kim, don't think this is strange, but... are we still .. friends?" Worried-as-SHIT!!!!- she pouts these words. "..yeah,why?" WEll, it's just that all my friends seem to .. ABANDON ME. ("well, fuckin' right they might as well have, WHADDYA THINK I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO") Abandon. It's all relative I suppose. The only thing I know not how to handle now is...'breaking' up. ENDING IT. But on good acquaintance-like terms. You know. Full of understanding. Right... So, Kim wants freedom, I want to encaged a person... I see... It'd all fall to shambles anyway. There's noooo o o o desire for me to see this .. VEERgoh. Vomitus to the maximus, she makes me feel.

10 minutes is up.

My last statement

[Clear and concise as my thought processing may be, best of its abilities...an email to a Nova boy. Hopefully all turns out... swell.]

So I've received your texts, bye, & u hurt my feelings.

Andrew, you're giving me more and more reasons of why I should just not waste my time takling with you. It's becoming difficult for me to defend the image that I have of you, apparently each time you say something to me. I won't know on what grounds I should speak of, until you are capable of distinguishing the actions that you make. I am very near to just not bothering with you any more, because as I've stated, you're giving me nothing to work with. I hear your spite, and pain, and for lack of better words, uncontrollable immature-blabber. I figured you perceived that you and I were emotionally tied, but Andrew, none of that was shared. This was built up only in your mind.

Andrew, you do not love me, and w were never bound by any sort of agreement, or mutual understanding. This has been a sort of presumptuous dream. Your initial feelings might warrant your behavior, this is the benefit of a doubt I am giving you. But you share with me the sort of person with which I'd rather not have any affiliations. I take nothing away from our experiences with eachother, they all stand true and real.

If you are looking for a reaction from me, to justify your emotional beliefs of what may have happened, look no further, this is it.
I guess I have nothing more to say to you.

If our paths meet again, may it be proof of a new day,

Kim.

Respect to the Vivd Piscies detailed&Uniq realities.

Dried boogers, where did the jelly ones go?

Ouhh...What to even say, how to even introduce them idears that floss my mind's networks. iCould start with my thoughts of my mornings breakfast (T - 7.5h), How Virgo people are just not cool for me, a shift of space & Happenings into sumthin' I've never expected to be aware of for some more few years... Could be my continuing relevations of WHY THE HELL AM I NOT in some sorta School for the Awesome Arts right now...or at least for a more progressive thought pattern...how shall I get there...

With no, or little, fear of prejudice I am becoming more akin to the aspects of Astrology. I guess one may be even able to pick such out from the previous Virgo read. ...Butt-Fuck, it has its pulls and knots.

I notice that I'm totally not being freely speaky riita hear-ah. So what's to do? What's one to decide? I'm currently in my firend's bedroom, and I want to 'enjoy' a tabacky-slimmy, but the balcony door creeks & causes some AWAKENngings... Yah-no, the fresh air would do me so well actually. Have you ever tried to switch the functions of each ofyour thumbs onthe keyboard...forinstance, I use my left one NOT to push the space-ular rectangle...MOST OFTens the right...but left for this... ...Too Weird...I'm off that wagon.

Not really a good idea to type and stuff, or well atleast to look at a monitor right before you go to bed, or in hopes at least that it will set your mind through an easeful sleep-rest. Not even smoking.

I remember in elementary, this one mate-notof mine had an egg allergy, and what I had said was "WOAH that much REALLYsuck".....& I would think of all the cakes and moring doo-dahs of beakfast and ...all things else one would suspect he MUSTNOTHAVE-Ever enjoyed. But fun thing is...that I don't eat much of anything that carries these traces of eggs. Interesting how things have developed. As must all develoPINGS be.... just pure interesting.

I'm fairly very certain I am in the likingsof liking some mate o' mine right now. & this isnew. This is very new. Not the liking, but the awakreness of such positivo emotional UPRISING!

Dear Dairy, N O I S Z EH.

It's as if I'm refusing to sleep, to let myself sleep. Ah meh peuh pah koo shey. HOpefully that does the trick. ...of Pronounciation, can't touch this lack of restty nutty head hea headss.

Wow look at this jumble. I'll check out the mate's breathing patterns, ifi seems like a good chance he's in it deep, with the deep Whooz & Hahhhs, then open ma fucking dang sesame crackers CREEKS-a lot, door. If not...smoke stained cielings will match perfectly with the brown typ. appartment floorings.

Cool, this was neat - Peace : )

nails are down

Today has been a weird day. The stress to choose a path in the life is happening. As if, the path I take may have the illusion of inevitability, yet stills remains unknown...until this choice is made.