You had asked how everything was with me, in particular, my weekend. I had said, "fine", looking into my periphery, I could see her looking back into me - worried that I might let her name as a cause slip out.
My weekend had been at best described as a walk across a tight rope, over a canyon, complete with fog. As I walk it's difficult to maintain my balance, and this feeling of anxiety starts up from my belly. I want to reach out and grab on to some hand ropes beside me, the ones that I cannot see, but hope they are there, but do not know if they exist. That state of confusion, hope and anxiety, just went on further.
For 3 days Marena had been saying things that I found simply rude. I thought I had a handrail-rope, but it turned out to be a gust of wind. Now, I have no idea what's happening with her, I had even asked her how she was, and it's understandable that by a simple question being asked, will not guarantee an answer that will solve - I put my hand out a bit. A worried bit though. I'm not that understanding, especially if I don't think that I should be. Even though it is peace and love for every individual on the Earth, I'm not going to.
One day, a whiles ago, Marena and I smoked Marijuana (our own joints, or not, I cannot recall) and I realized that I might only be being friendly to her because we are living together. There is no real connection, just an obligation. And with that striking thought, my expression dropped. Not that she could notice, she had been on a spiel of something about herself. Or she was asking very loose questions. Large questions, but with no real intention to discuss them. That thought overrode my mood, and I can't remember what went on from there.
Marena did bring up that she must be PMS-ing on the 3rd day, and that she's sorry for having been putting out negative energy. I had said, "that's good." And I haven't spoke since. A couple hellos and good mornings though.
I was intently excited on the idea of not having her over at Clifton-house for Barrett's birthday, because I don't think she deserves it.
I imagine conversations going about in my head, "Well Marena, " I would say, "maybe you should shut up, because no matter if forgiveness is awesome, I will not forgive you even after you say sorry for you not shutting the fuck up. Because really - ". And she will go, "well maybe you should say what you want to say, instead of bottling it up." And I will go, "if I said what I wanted to say - this would all become a shit show. It doesn't make sense for me to say rude things because you do."
There is a lot of anger inside of me. That's how I spent my weekend. It interfered with Sam's comfortability in the apartment. These situations encourage me to move out and away. I am quite silent. Extremely passive. But words still like, "Sorry- excuse me - no problem - good morning" come out when in reality it's "fuck it - fuck - well you're the problem - and I shouldn't be saying good morning, I should be living in a perfucting world."
There are benefits from doing this targeted passive aggressive behavior though. My Yoga-ing is more dropped in Ego, because I've harmed the ego of my only component, I guess. I've been leaving the house and finishing my homework!
She said that "drawing for a painting would be too easy" for her drawing project. She said this after I had told her that's what I am doing (because she had curiously asked). And then for her drawing project.. limited interest in the room for it. Albeit it was the first for the morning, but visually - well I'm biased, I think it sucked anyways. At least compared to mine, when she said mine was easy, and I spent a butt fucking loads more time and effort on it. Like, she asked the teacher if she could go beyond the drawing aspect of it, and create the sculpture aspect for her own project, the teacher said yeah sure, but you'll get no greater marks. Then she didn't for whatever reason. I used my past drawing teacher for this project - she draws things out that she'd later expand on to a large piece of wood, like large y'know. Then cut and carve and add pieces of wood on top of the first, and then paint on it. So I did one out of foam board. She asked me Sunday after yoga, "You know, you're only suppose to do the drawing." I had made an attempt to back hand her back with, "It would be 'too easy'" and she went, "oh that's true." FUCK, it didn't work.
But so anyways.. mine rocked. Hers sucked. She was feeling pissy for some sort of reason and started dissing my own work, because hers, and she knows it, fucking sucked. And even though being passive aggressive is a seemingly negative and annoying thing itself (that I've been told about..) I don't even fucking care right now. Because, my roommate - has mood swings. And I am no where near convincing myself that I am her best friend.
An illegitimate obligation isn't a way of living an honest life. I am silencing up some words though. I'm thinking maybe I should speak about them, but then it's the conversation that will come after it. We'll go to the movies and eat oatmeal and talk, but that future doesn't exist in my mind right now, because that person doesn't exist. All I can see is aspect of me in her that I do not forgive myself.
