Okay, this one will be kind of quick.
I guess to start I will write down what was asked of me today, what were my thoughts on non-monogamy. What are they indeed. I'm almost scared to feel the affects of those words actually existing.. but without me behind the polygamy train.
I wonder indeed. Not all thoughts will be recorded down here. This question was only asked of me hours ago, so I haven't yet delved into it fully. But the walk home was nice. Who am I? What am I doing? What are my intentions? Am I lonely? Am I significant?
So for comforts sake, I looked at the venus placements of the questioner, and myself. It was a positive reading, I'd say. I found some funny bits. Like for me, something along the lines - the venus in cancer will worry a lot. Will enjoy using cooking to attract their mate, or enjoy being cooked for and relaxing back. Muahaha! Yes.
He said that we're good friends who have sex. And then added something about something that goes on beyond that??? I forget. I was focusing on the good friends bit. And I don't know how many words to take seriously, you know. I mean, all of them - yes. But some times (a lot of times) in the conversations I will have with people, it's just like talking out air. None of us are really paying attention to the other one's words. Not.. consistently. Conclusively.
I'm feeling a bit pulled into some few different realms. Do I get drunk? (no.) Can I enthrall myself into my school work? (not entirely.)
Where are our boundaries? Where is my line? When I give limits for other people, but I do not fall under these limitations. Why are there boundaries in relationships? Why do emotions exist?
A question I asked myself walking home was, "If he were to sleep with this other person, and live, and exist and do as he does - and I am fine with that. What does this say about me? Is there a status that comes with monogamy? Why do I feel that polygamy is .. frowned upon."
And now, I think of STI's. Oh, and then it starts to get more real in my head. More worrisome.
I feel like talking to every one, and no one, right now. I want to find answers, in as much as I want to forget. I don't want much confusion in my life. (but that is a lie, because I do..)
It's just that - well, nothing. This is life I suppose. Or this is what is happening in my life. Not necessarily truly shared or common for others.. but this is me. I do feel a desire of hurting myself. I believe that's where this drunkenness comes in, and also the desire to smoke. But from what do I benefit when I smoke? Or get puke-drunk? Why do I want to treat me, and my body that way? Why do I put my self-esteem on the line?
I was thinking of telling him, "Sorry, I don't really feel like seeing you any more. In this way, things would be less confusing. You could do whoever you want, and we would no longer be." Then I questioned if I would really want that. Why do I not want him? What do I want him? Is it him? Or some.. time-occupancy that he gives? How full, or empty are these experiences?
But that last question.. can fit to any and all things. Truly. How empty, or full, are all and any of your experiences? With all the things, people, and thoughts that happen. Or don't happen.
Each question, is met with its oppositional binary.
I feel without the love that I thought would and could be there with him, so then my thoughts drift back to past persons who were in the similar position. Do I talk to them? Do I ask them what's up? Where is my companion?
Maybe (but probably), my companion is me.
Thank you Kim. And of course, any and every one else too. Wow, this could almost be a suicide letter. But really.. all I'm going to kill.. is my drawing assignment at Granville.
Okay. .. c ya.
