I hung out with Shaun last night for a bit. And got to see the folks over at Clifton for a quick bit before that. I got one of those study pills from Barrett. I thought I was gunna go drawing during the whole night.. but I didn't. I'll get back to that soon. It was nice, because it's good how the warm feeling lasts for a bit after seeing someone who gives you warmth and such. We were texting, and I said to him, "Olivia Bibby. I can't Barrett." heh heh heh.

It makes me happy.

And you know what, the skies were very gray today. Which gets me to my next thing.

I took that study pill, and drew for 3 2 hourish sessions. I miss (*"miss") clenching my jaw. There was a moment when I realized, woah, This isn't me feeling this. Damn. And it's such a little sibling to MDMA, but it's amazing what storehold of memory feelings .. get a quick bit of air to breathe.

It was cold. And wet. I got a stick jabbed into my thumb because I was climbing down those steep sides to where it levels out on the trains/ish area.

I was just listening to that Neon Bible song, the black wave in the sea felt like it was in my chest. Now I imagine if the sun is hollow? "Hollow". It's got some space in there, right? Do we know? "Know?"

Anyways, it felt really good to sit outside and draw. I don't even know if it was the pills or not, or just how I was drawing and being out there. I think the rain even made it all worth it too, because it got my paper so soaked I could blend with the oil based pastels and conte. Kind of like oil paint sticks.

They're a bit dirty, the drawings. I'll patch them up before I sleep, Maybe I'll go back out to the place to draw sum more tomorrow.

Shit- laundry. Needs to dry.

God bless Camerica

It's not like cooking solves my problems, but by god do I get to cook. I'm trying to time manage my appointments with people and teachers, and I don't want to step on anybody's toes - but after emailing to solve an appointment issue, I am starting to feel better. Just in time as my pirogues are just about done.

Speaking of stepping on people's toes, how do you tell someone that you don't enjoy their company any more because they annoy you? Is honesty accepted if it hurts someones feelings? But then again, I am still hurting their feelings by not talking to them. Sung su, it's not that I don't like you, it's just that you are needy, and don't give me space, and I don't care about anything you say, I find you lame, before I can find cool. I feel like you are draining the compassion out from me, because I can read your actions, and false as they could be, I perceive that you want me to care about you. I do not care if you leave early. I do not want to walk home with you, because I do not want your company. Do not approach Shaun, saying I am looking for him. Why do you do this? Why am I doing this? This is a person being a friend, but I do not want their company. How do I nicely say - just stop talking to me for a while. I don't know what this situation is - I haven't come to analyze it, so I don't really know how to react.

I'm nice to people, yes, but then it doesn't mean that I have to continue to be nice to them. To quote Sung su, "What's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine." Please, I do not mind giving out food, in fact, I achieve pleasure from it, But I do not like it when people expect me to give them my food, my anything. Look after yourself. No, you cannot have my food. Do not ask for my food after Shaun has some, you are in no way shape or form the same as him.

Ew. I am finding you disgusting.

I am judging you. And yes, shure, judged and be judged. But I need space, and I need people not to abuse my friendliness. By continuously telling me that they are hungry, THOUGH YOU BROUGHT YOUR FOOD. I ask, "why are you complaining that you are hungry, if you have food?" Oh.. "Kim, should I eat?" "Oh my gosh, I am getting so fat." WHAT THE FUCK. WHO ARE YOU? Do they not fucking know. Can I seriously just tell them to fuck off? But we're not intimate like that, and I don't care about them enough to give them my opinion. Oh my gosh, I actually do feel like vomiting. And I do not know why. Not actually - it just makes me sick, psychologically, my stomach is ill. Okay. Yes, I am telling you my problems, but you can close the browser. With him, I plug in my earphones and play the music loud, and he STANDS ONE FOOT AWAY FROM ME, HOVERING, REPEATEDLY.  What the fuck. Yes, this is all cool if you are my friend, but you are not my friend DISGUSTING FLY!..

I feel evil, and extremely passive aggressive, I mean come on. Obviously this is my niche. But fuck it, I'm just expressing. Later on I may analyze and contextualize it.

I split half a pack of cigarettes yesterday with a friend. And I'm half done that half. Woot Woot! I'm going to smoke one tonight before I sleep. Why, am I freaking out?

Goodnight. GOd bless.

sweet love

i just had a really nice conversation with william. I feel good because i have just finished a can of sardines. I drank a bottle of italian wine. I have thought of such a wide variety of things with william, so that we need to talk tonorrow as well, but also because I saw shaun, and made moulds of Liv's breasts. galf of a cigarette culd b cool right nowww. i hope that that amount of wine isnt a bad thing per se. i spoke with will for two hours and six minutes. I msged shaun if he wanted to talk, but alas, i believe he sleeps. i love people so much at times it makes me scared. how do I express it, without scaring them away? there are spme bugs  in our pantry. its a bit fucked. marena didnt seem to care much about them, but whatever. i got them then. i felt myself gerting a bit turned on after all that phone talk philosophy talk. just is how it is man.  i love a good discussion, that amkes me feeling like i know shit but that also fluxuates into me knowing all da shit. it's nice. i might skeep on the couch tonight, but i might not. i wpuldnt mind it to be honest. will made me learn that i have a different dwfinition of what determinism is than what is described by God in the bible. maybe sleeping on thw couch isnt too bad, just gotta take out the bra. man, striaght up, i like the idea pf getting sex, a lot. of course now, really. i mean, if u know my past experiences, then it really is, things are looking up.  meh, maybe ill just sleep in my bedroomx goodnight. sweet love.

On and Off I came to this

Hey,

I only wanted to post a few words up concerning contentment. I've made my own pasta noodles. I'm fairly proud of them. I'm also cooking scallops I took out of the freezer a couple of days ago. I'm about to cook a bit of the pasta for tomorrow. And I've cooked up some pancakes (from oatmeal I didn't eat before), so that I have them as one less thing to do tomorrow morning. I recommend cooking more with herbs de provence. Damn that shit smells good.

I'm hanging out with a good friend this thursday. I can remember last year to a T. Staying up late, trying to finish an assignment. But if I want thursday night free, then I must work diligently Wednesday night. I am cooking for the next while, I guess.

Today I don't know if I did much school work to be honest. We drew a bit in drawing class - they were slick and nice drawings, just of a room, so it looked like a room with a lot of stuff on the floor. In Feminism Art History today, we received back our exhibition review, which was 45% of our mark. I received a C-. Yes friends, holy shit indeed. With tru honesty, I would give it a B, maybe B-, for a very very long exhibition review (although reviews are traditionally kept shorter than the 5 page request). Claire and I were talking, it seems more like Mary was asking for an essay. She explained the assignment in further detail after she saw that half of the class did poorly. What is one to think? In honesty, if I did receive a good mark, I probably would not plan to go and talk to her about this. But, I essentially do not want a bad grade. If she had wanted an essay format piece, aka, an essay, I would have given this assignment the attention it deserves as an essay. A paper.. dear god. I refuse to talk about it here.

Anyways.

I'll just leave it at that.

Good night : )

Synastry Charts Commenced.

Well, you can bet that I've been looking through some astrology synastry charts. I started my first one last night, and I kept on it in an attached manner, meaning I didn't stop til 1130. But, I mean. I started it at 10 or 1030, but it.. felt nice to see what I would usually read.. all collected on a series of pages.

I woke up this morning wanting to sleep more. It's like I was going against the grain to wake up, I wanted another deep sleep. But so, I got up after trying to fall back asleep for half an hour, and I showered and made pancakes. But after the shower, and before the pancakes, I saw that I got my insurance coverage for my dentist bill. This made me happy. I mean, it was paid for by my father.. to the school.. to the insurance.. but.. seeing it released back.. is like... finding it. Well anyways.

It's interesting, as I hesitate to proclaim good news. But, if it is melancholic, I feel.. a different sort of ease of expressing it. Maybe I am expressing the good news right now, actually.. through my actions. I felt relaxed like it was the weekend in bed. I flossed and showered like a boss. And made pancakes because I wanted to. Maybe it's slowing down because I want things to last.

Anyways. Since my last post, he did want to talk, and wanted to talk that Sunday. But I said, "Well, I'm drawing today bud." In my head at the time, I couldn't stop this drawing process just because of someone else's schedule. I had already started it later than planned the day prior. So I guess I was feeling assertive, bitter, and like a wall.

I was confused because I thought my proposition was the idea. This is what would have to go down, in order for us both to be well and do fine and carry-on and so on. Then he assured that he wanted to talk in person about this - so we arranged it for yesterday, and this is why I am here, I guess.

We both express our anxieties about the realities of relationships in different, yet similar ways. Both anxious at the realities makes us alike. And .. I have a bit of difficulty trying to understand what it is that he said, to be honest, but.. it was something about the anticipation of an event, so one overreacts? Like tugging on a bungee jump cord before one further experiences it? I've texted him that question.. so we'll see.

But, it's all fairly interesting. The dynamics between persons. How they interact, and shape each other's conceptions of the world, and so on. The phenomenon of collected individuals.

I think that's all I wanted to say.

That, and - It was so lovely, on Monday night. I sat to do my Art History reading on the couches in the lounge. Mareena comes in, and two of her fellow classmates to chill until their class starts. I overhear their conversation and jump in, the guy, was like, "New Years Resolutions, does anyone do them anymore?" And me from the couch across them goes, "Woah woah woah. Yeah. Quit smoking last year, and this year flossing and not biting the nails." The guy, "Wow." And he starts clapping, and says, "everyone." to encourage Mareena and the other girl to clap. MUAHAHAHA, felt so nice. That was really nice of him. Hah, funny. So then this morning in the shower I'm looking at my nails thinking... yeahh... Anyways. Then something else cute occurred. Mareena and the girl got up to go to class. But the guy stayed.. because I was staying.. but also because he thought that I was in his class and that there was more time to chill and relax. Until I say to Mareena, "Enjoy class, have fun!" And he's like, "Woah- you're not in my class anymore?" "Naww man, I was really just sitting in, haha." And then he got up and gathered his stuff in a bit of a hustle. It was just funny and sweet.

Okay. Bye then

Oh, ps. You'll love this. When I got my type writer before, I typed out my oldest brother's astrology reading.. hahaha, I even typed out a chart for it - on a 1950's type writer! So awesome.

Okay, bye.

A door closes, and others open.

Some good things.

When I came home yesterday, a bit sulky and a lot pensive, and a lot unshure - I come in and Mareena's about to leave, but she's so happy. She sends me a greeting and a fare well, wishing and hoping I continue to have a good day. It's like - wow - there are still happy people out there. -hah haha

So just like "that", it is the end of a chapter. Or at least the start of an end. I'll start where I left off. After my blog yesterday, I went to school - on the way, walking, I returned a phone call to my mother. At the end of the business, I asked her, "Mom, can I ask you some stuff about love?" "Okay Kim. Give me a second to go upstairs to use that phone. I'll call you back in two minutes."

I asked her about polygamy. Sleeping with multiple partners... and she had said the expected stuff. It's not clean, it's not good for one's personality. How could someone trust someone to be faithful to them if they were to ever marry. Her main points was that, it hurts, it leads you more susceptible to contracting STI's, and one's character is defined by their choices... so why would you want a character like that in your life? True. It was long winded a bit, but extremely helpful. She asked why I was asking, and I told her.

We hung up and I finally got to drawing. I got a portrait down, which was awesome. I checked back to my phone and saw that she had called again. So I returned this one as well. "Kim, did you get my message?" "No, I just called." "Okay. Well, I talked to your father and told him what we were saying. And he said, 'tell him to go away,' okay?" "Okay."

That is what is cement my friends. My mom gave me an intellectual response - which was helpful. But my Dad, just discarded the action/intention. They know how it is to like someone, but they also know how it is to put yourself second, and allow being treated with less than you deserve. No matter how much you like a person.

Without saying too much more, I'm feeling pretty confident about this. Just like - shoo fly. Don't bother me.

So I texted him this morning, stating maybe we should stop hanging out like we do. It would be less confusing for me, and you can do whatever, you know? And - yhup.

Taking your own advice is interesting. I say this stuff so easily to others, easier than breathing. Let's see if I know what I am talking about, you know.

Have a good one.

Saturdays.

Okay, this one will be kind of quick.

I guess to start I will write down what was asked of me today, what were my thoughts on non-monogamy. What are they indeed. I'm almost scared to feel the affects of those words actually existing.. but without me behind the polygamy train.

I wonder indeed. Not all thoughts will be recorded down here. This question was only asked of me hours ago, so I haven't yet delved into it fully. But the walk home was nice. Who am I? What am I doing? What are my intentions? Am I lonely? Am I significant?

So for comforts sake, I looked at the venus placements of the questioner, and myself. It was a positive reading, I'd say. I found some funny bits. Like for me, something along the lines - the venus in cancer will worry a lot. Will enjoy using cooking to attract their mate, or enjoy being cooked for and relaxing back. Muahaha! Yes.

He said that we're good friends who have sex. And then added something about something that goes on beyond that??? I forget. I was focusing on the good friends bit. And I don't know how many words to take seriously, you know. I mean, all of them - yes. But some times (a lot of times) in the conversations I will have with people, it's just like talking out air. None of us are really paying attention to the other one's words. Not.. consistently. Conclusively.

I'm feeling a bit pulled into some few different realms. Do I get drunk? (no.) Can I enthrall myself into my school work? (not entirely.)

Where are our boundaries? Where is my line? When I give limits for other people, but I do not fall under these limitations. Why are there boundaries in relationships? Why do emotions exist?

A question I asked myself walking home was, "If he were to sleep with this other person, and live, and exist and do as he does - and I am fine with that. What does this say about me? Is there a status that comes with monogamy? Why do I feel that polygamy is .. frowned upon."

And now, I think of STI's. Oh, and then it starts to get more real in my head. More worrisome.

I feel like talking to every one, and no one, right now. I want to find answers, in as much as I want to forget. I don't want much confusion in my life. (but that is a lie, because I do..)

It's just that - well, nothing. This is life I suppose. Or this is what is happening in my life. Not necessarily truly shared or common for others.. but this is me. I do feel a desire of hurting myself. I believe that's where this drunkenness comes in, and also the desire to smoke. But from what do I benefit when I smoke? Or get puke-drunk? Why do I want to treat me, and my body that way? Why do I put my self-esteem on the line?

I was thinking of telling him, "Sorry, I don't really feel like seeing you any more. In this way, things would be less confusing. You could do whoever you want, and we would no longer be." Then I questioned if I would really want that. Why do I not want him? What do I want him? Is it him? Or some.. time-occupancy that he gives? How full, or empty are these experiences?

But that last question.. can fit to any and all things. Truly. How empty, or full, are all and any of your experiences? With all the things, people, and thoughts that happen. Or don't happen.

Each question, is met with its oppositional binary.

I feel without the love that I thought would and could be there with him, so then my thoughts drift back to past persons who were in the similar position. Do I talk to them? Do I ask them what's up? Where is my companion?

Maybe (but probably), my companion is me.

Thank you Kim. And of course, any and every one else too. Wow, this could almost be a suicide letter. But really.. all I'm going to kill.. is my drawing assignment at Granville.

Okay. .. c ya.