Synastry Charts Commenced.

Well, you can bet that I've been looking through some astrology synastry charts. I started my first one last night, and I kept on it in an attached manner, meaning I didn't stop til 1130. But, I mean. I started it at 10 or 1030, but it.. felt nice to see what I would usually read.. all collected on a series of pages.

I woke up this morning wanting to sleep more. It's like I was going against the grain to wake up, I wanted another deep sleep. But so, I got up after trying to fall back asleep for half an hour, and I showered and made pancakes. But after the shower, and before the pancakes, I saw that I got my insurance coverage for my dentist bill. This made me happy. I mean, it was paid for by my father.. to the school.. to the insurance.. but.. seeing it released back.. is like... finding it. Well anyways.

It's interesting, as I hesitate to proclaim good news. But, if it is melancholic, I feel.. a different sort of ease of expressing it. Maybe I am expressing the good news right now, actually.. through my actions. I felt relaxed like it was the weekend in bed. I flossed and showered like a boss. And made pancakes because I wanted to. Maybe it's slowing down because I want things to last.

Anyways. Since my last post, he did want to talk, and wanted to talk that Sunday. But I said, "Well, I'm drawing today bud." In my head at the time, I couldn't stop this drawing process just because of someone else's schedule. I had already started it later than planned the day prior. So I guess I was feeling assertive, bitter, and like a wall.

I was confused because I thought my proposition was the idea. This is what would have to go down, in order for us both to be well and do fine and carry-on and so on. Then he assured that he wanted to talk in person about this - so we arranged it for yesterday, and this is why I am here, I guess.

We both express our anxieties about the realities of relationships in different, yet similar ways. Both anxious at the realities makes us alike. And .. I have a bit of difficulty trying to understand what it is that he said, to be honest, but.. it was something about the anticipation of an event, so one overreacts? Like tugging on a bungee jump cord before one further experiences it? I've texted him that question.. so we'll see.

But, it's all fairly interesting. The dynamics between persons. How they interact, and shape each other's conceptions of the world, and so on. The phenomenon of collected individuals.

I think that's all I wanted to say.

That, and - It was so lovely, on Monday night. I sat to do my Art History reading on the couches in the lounge. Mareena comes in, and two of her fellow classmates to chill until their class starts. I overhear their conversation and jump in, the guy, was like, "New Years Resolutions, does anyone do them anymore?" And me from the couch across them goes, "Woah woah woah. Yeah. Quit smoking last year, and this year flossing and not biting the nails." The guy, "Wow." And he starts clapping, and says, "everyone." to encourage Mareena and the other girl to clap. MUAHAHAHA, felt so nice. That was really nice of him. Hah, funny. So then this morning in the shower I'm looking at my nails thinking... yeahh... Anyways. Then something else cute occurred. Mareena and the girl got up to go to class. But the guy stayed.. because I was staying.. but also because he thought that I was in his class and that there was more time to chill and relax. Until I say to Mareena, "Enjoy class, have fun!" And he's like, "Woah- you're not in my class anymore?" "Naww man, I was really just sitting in, haha." And then he got up and gathered his stuff in a bit of a hustle. It was just funny and sweet.

Okay. Bye then

Oh, ps. You'll love this. When I got my type writer before, I typed out my oldest brother's astrology reading.. hahaha, I even typed out a chart for it - on a 1950's type writer! So awesome.

Okay, bye.

A door closes, and others open.

Some good things.

When I came home yesterday, a bit sulky and a lot pensive, and a lot unshure - I come in and Mareena's about to leave, but she's so happy. She sends me a greeting and a fare well, wishing and hoping I continue to have a good day. It's like - wow - there are still happy people out there. -hah haha

So just like "that", it is the end of a chapter. Or at least the start of an end. I'll start where I left off. After my blog yesterday, I went to school - on the way, walking, I returned a phone call to my mother. At the end of the business, I asked her, "Mom, can I ask you some stuff about love?" "Okay Kim. Give me a second to go upstairs to use that phone. I'll call you back in two minutes."

I asked her about polygamy. Sleeping with multiple partners... and she had said the expected stuff. It's not clean, it's not good for one's personality. How could someone trust someone to be faithful to them if they were to ever marry. Her main points was that, it hurts, it leads you more susceptible to contracting STI's, and one's character is defined by their choices... so why would you want a character like that in your life? True. It was long winded a bit, but extremely helpful. She asked why I was asking, and I told her.

We hung up and I finally got to drawing. I got a portrait down, which was awesome. I checked back to my phone and saw that she had called again. So I returned this one as well. "Kim, did you get my message?" "No, I just called." "Okay. Well, I talked to your father and told him what we were saying. And he said, 'tell him to go away,' okay?" "Okay."

That is what is cement my friends. My mom gave me an intellectual response - which was helpful. But my Dad, just discarded the action/intention. They know how it is to like someone, but they also know how it is to put yourself second, and allow being treated with less than you deserve. No matter how much you like a person.

Without saying too much more, I'm feeling pretty confident about this. Just like - shoo fly. Don't bother me.

So I texted him this morning, stating maybe we should stop hanging out like we do. It would be less confusing for me, and you can do whatever, you know? And - yhup.

Taking your own advice is interesting. I say this stuff so easily to others, easier than breathing. Let's see if I know what I am talking about, you know.

Have a good one.

Saturdays.

Okay, this one will be kind of quick.

I guess to start I will write down what was asked of me today, what were my thoughts on non-monogamy. What are they indeed. I'm almost scared to feel the affects of those words actually existing.. but without me behind the polygamy train.

I wonder indeed. Not all thoughts will be recorded down here. This question was only asked of me hours ago, so I haven't yet delved into it fully. But the walk home was nice. Who am I? What am I doing? What are my intentions? Am I lonely? Am I significant?

So for comforts sake, I looked at the venus placements of the questioner, and myself. It was a positive reading, I'd say. I found some funny bits. Like for me, something along the lines - the venus in cancer will worry a lot. Will enjoy using cooking to attract their mate, or enjoy being cooked for and relaxing back. Muahaha! Yes.

He said that we're good friends who have sex. And then added something about something that goes on beyond that??? I forget. I was focusing on the good friends bit. And I don't know how many words to take seriously, you know. I mean, all of them - yes. But some times (a lot of times) in the conversations I will have with people, it's just like talking out air. None of us are really paying attention to the other one's words. Not.. consistently. Conclusively.

I'm feeling a bit pulled into some few different realms. Do I get drunk? (no.) Can I enthrall myself into my school work? (not entirely.)

Where are our boundaries? Where is my line? When I give limits for other people, but I do not fall under these limitations. Why are there boundaries in relationships? Why do emotions exist?

A question I asked myself walking home was, "If he were to sleep with this other person, and live, and exist and do as he does - and I am fine with that. What does this say about me? Is there a status that comes with monogamy? Why do I feel that polygamy is .. frowned upon."

And now, I think of STI's. Oh, and then it starts to get more real in my head. More worrisome.

I feel like talking to every one, and no one, right now. I want to find answers, in as much as I want to forget. I don't want much confusion in my life. (but that is a lie, because I do..)

It's just that - well, nothing. This is life I suppose. Or this is what is happening in my life. Not necessarily truly shared or common for others.. but this is me. I do feel a desire of hurting myself. I believe that's where this drunkenness comes in, and also the desire to smoke. But from what do I benefit when I smoke? Or get puke-drunk? Why do I want to treat me, and my body that way? Why do I put my self-esteem on the line?

I was thinking of telling him, "Sorry, I don't really feel like seeing you any more. In this way, things would be less confusing. You could do whoever you want, and we would no longer be." Then I questioned if I would really want that. Why do I not want him? What do I want him? Is it him? Or some.. time-occupancy that he gives? How full, or empty are these experiences?

But that last question.. can fit to any and all things. Truly. How empty, or full, are all and any of your experiences? With all the things, people, and thoughts that happen. Or don't happen.

Each question, is met with its oppositional binary.

I feel without the love that I thought would and could be there with him, so then my thoughts drift back to past persons who were in the similar position. Do I talk to them? Do I ask them what's up? Where is my companion?

Maybe (but probably), my companion is me.

Thank you Kim. And of course, any and every one else too. Wow, this could almost be a suicide letter. But really.. all I'm going to kill.. is my drawing assignment at Granville.

Okay. .. c ya.

Getting r done.

Teachers come in every form, and in the mot unexpecting and lasting ways. The one  that I am currently thinking of, was a customer from Starbucks. "Wow, you have really nice hands!" "Thanks. Yeah, I'm a hand model." "Hah! I always bite my nails. I joke and say that I am a hand model." "I see there is no point to biting your nails. All one does is bite the nail bed down." "How do I stop?" "If you ever feel the need to bite, just take moments and say out loud to yourself, I will not bite my nails. I will not bite my nails." "Okay."

It's maybe 4 years later now - and I will not bite my nails.

I just finished printing off a Marilyn Frye essay, "Oppression" - so I must break away and start to read it.  It's for tomorrow's class, but I still have a lot of drawing to be done. - fuck. But not really. It will be fine,  I guess.

I have to really think about my drawing assignment. Fuck, it's due tomorrow. I'll have to text Liv - maybe I can sit with her and her roommates and draw them. Is it weird? No - business I guess. But not necessarily so. Oh I don't know anymore.

Ten hours of drawing. Maybe I'm halfway there, eh. Like, I've done 4 hours already. Wait, an hour or so yesterday drawing Shaun - I'm up to five baby!

Okay. Bye.

God Bless

Today is a day, or morning, since it isn't even 10 yet.. when I would prefer to be wearing contacts, rather than my shaded light plastic blue glasses. Like, I kind of want to be comfortable and safe, rather than how I feel right now. a bit shaken up. a bit nervous. But, not necessarily knowing why. I had my shower today and that was fine but cut, and then woke up and made a smoothie, but it was critiqued. Yesterday she even critiqued my smoothie, questioning why I filled it so. Her solutions don't even solve. I don't even know why I'm saying this stuff. The little nuances. I feel like if I go into paint today, I might not paint that well. I'll just be all.. shaken up and stuff. This is the perfect time to have a shot of vodka. But maybe I'm just looking for a reason to. Like, the goal isn't necessarily to have a shot of vodka, neither is it to blame another individual for my being, but rather just to feel like this. To feel on edge and nervous. I guess right now I'm even trying to collect myself a bit. It's like some how, the floor beneath (within) me started to wobble.. and as I was alarmed, I do try to .. acknowledge its existence, but still.. regroup.

Fuck, I may just be looking for drama.
I should go to school.

Abstinence.

Do you think I can do it? No Facebook for ... two months? I think so. March 8th it is.

There we go

this is how I feel right now: Bottom lip tingling, but only on the right side. Breasts low, for it is an unwired bra. Content and displeased.. for there were two drawings which I have just done out of four. One of which is a bunny's face, and it just isn't satisfactory. Then another, a cow, and it is. It's just there and lovely. Wh would have thought, the thing which initially displeased me the most, is now the current winner. I'm going out tonight, but it's okay. Why? Because .. I'm jeopardizing time that could be best and calmly spent on doing my drawing homework, but alas, I'm going to go out with a friend. A good and nice friend who gives me love and comfort and who allows me to give it back. They will be leaving, maybe. So, all in all, although education is a social must, and yes, a must for myself. It is always the importance I see in my relationships, especially if they do something for me, which may be unknown, you know? I dunno.. But relationships is where it's at. I don't mind running myself dry, so to speak, or setting myself up for a sprint later on, if it means to hang out with people that I like. That I care for. It's like.. no matter what assignment may be due, or what paragraph I must correct, or what flight I might catch.. sleep I shall lose, ugliness that shall show.. it's like.. spending time with them to proove that they mean something. Sacrifice in a way. And of course, there are days where this isn't so. Where I've either spent too much time with them, or other things have collected so much, or I see it as putting my self as secondary (in a negatively perceived way), where I then change it up. Sorry, I can't talk with you, let alone be super-sweet about it - I gotta get my shit done. Good bye.

Inter and intra personal dynamics are cool like that. Like multiple waves of energy interacting with one another. Determinism and randomness. That one drawing of this plastic cow I did definitely made me happy. Which - might be strange. But, it's an accomplishment which I am proud of. Especially since it came after that shitty ass one I did. Fucking fail. But no prob. It's like the journey that counts, not the destination, so I mean... The journey of drawing that shitty bunny drawing was super awesome, it just didn't end up to where I would have liked it.

So flat.

You know.. for all you.. venus conjunct chiron, and neptune opposition chiron, and venus in cancer folk... you know when you just keep on thinking about someone? Isn't it just damn crazy. How the mind may use its imagination to its will. In dreams, in wakes, in dreams, in sleeps. In writings in drawings, in carvings and so on. It's crazy. But not in the way that 'crazy' is meant. It's just.. continuous.  Which, in itself, I find interesting. I guess my chiron and neptune are fucking.. just having a field day with this. What with the unknown, the inconsistencies, and the less is more sorta distance = love sorta thing. God bless, I hope you know what is meant.. or not.

Imagine how many words I've written. In my life. I can still remember to learn how to write down a capital E. Kindergarten man. You know what could be cool, to relive some things again.. just.. superb.

So, I must write this out, because eitherwise I will be stressing out. And words.. as my thoughts manifest.. calm me. especially right now. I feel more rational actually, rather than emotional. Which.. is nice. Because, I was super emotional, and down a couple days ago, so I'm welcoming this very much.

Tomorrow, monday. Paint before class, because I'm 92% done.

What else.. hopefully, or no.. I'm going to pack a lunch before I go. But I'll wake up at 7. And do such. Leave at 9, and go. Then paint by 10. Class starts at 1. I have all my shit there. Check the sheet before hand.. and then.. yhup.

Also pack a dinner. So I'll just pack a giant lunch. Just pack a lot of food.

Okay well then. See yah, good night