It takes time to come to this.

I want to live as long and healthy as possible.
Why would you want to live as long as possible?
So that I can have as most existance as humanly and not, possible within Time.
Time?
As long I can.
Why is there such an attempt to challenge against an infinite possibility of accomplishment, your physical-self, in the physical world, to win.
You want to win.
Is time the Greatest Unknown then?
Time is not capitalized.
Challenging it's existance and not, through literature, best Capitalized in the beginning of sentences only, I'd say.
Eh?
No, sorry.
Why wouldn't you live as long as possible.
If time is SO FUCKING L O N G, it's natural to want the biggest piece of it.
And if you logic DOES realize this DRASTIC comparison, it's only logical that you would accept this chunky slice.


Aw, I hate reliving emotion ,

my body, HAS , to feel this way.
drugs are better.

Note to Chelsea

hey, it's kim. this could potentially make you even more frustrated at me. but i feel that it's alright, and it will stay alright in the end...
i don't fully understand the reasons for your frustration towards me. but i am going to guess. i'm sorry if i make anything worse or whatever. i know you hate it when i apologize, but i can't help it, it's just what i do. and just so you don't be thinking anything about this note that i am writing you, it's not an angry one, it's rather, just a note. a note that i am writing alone in my backyard addressed to you.
i honestly wish nothing bad to happen to you. honestly. i would hate it if i ever made you feel bad about yourself. which kind of sucks because if you're feeling a bit more negative in result of me, i apologize, but it sucks even more because if it is me, or just some things about me, then i'd have to stop. but just guessing if it's how i've been down lately...well it's kind of like a circle. i am down, you are down because i am down, i am even more down. it's not you its me. that cliche fits so perfectly here. well...in this hypothetical situation.
somethings i feel don't have importance because i think nothing is important. life is just life in my view, something that we as organisms gained the ability to create thoughts...and just thrive upon them, and develop them. i am thinking impulsively here, but i hope you can get the just of what i am saying. we're just beings, if that. the whole thing about what is reality, i question reality everyday, to me it just resembles the matrix or something. just data or someshit. rather phenomenol and stuff. but in regards of me thinking nothing is important in the scenario of me believing in reality and that everything is real...well...it's just with the perspective that if i was someone else, looking at me, i'd think critically of them. it's just a phase, you will get over it. and if it does pass, why am i dwelling on it now. if i just know it will pass, which i feel i know it will pass, but yet believe that i will always be like this...i just think that i shouldn't think too much about it because i'd just be wasting time. i just let it be and see what will come out of it. if it is what i am told..that it will pass, then alright, i will wait for that time, but for now, i will do nothing. because...it will just pass. right?
sometimes people take their own death into their own hands. i think that's rather amazing. i myself don't really know too much of what i am capable of...but understand...if i would ever take my own life, instead of greiving or thinking too much about it, just rather instead...know that i did it. i wanted it all to end, and for this to be over. whatever 'this' is. it's no one's fault but my own. i am just a human, who made a decision.
meanwhile, in regards to my heart. it's dieing. this is rather akward to say in respect to the fact that i told you i still like you just a bit ago. i don't like liking you. well, i like you because i do right. but i don't like the idea of me liking my own friend. my great friend that i care about. i don't want anything to ever happen to our relationship that would have the result of breaking it apart. that would just ruin me. but moreover, my heart. yes, i really think that i'm not even bisexual. like...sure, that's what i'm attracted to...but i could never love someone kind of thing. i could never really share a deep relationship with anyone, because i would only ever do that if i liked them you know..and i only want a relationship of which that could happen, but it will never come. so i will never love kind of thing.
i wonder what other friends talk about eh?
after you hung up, i felt like crying, but i didn't. instead, i went inside, got whatever and just went out and had a smoke. it's unsettling, because i was thinking odd thoughts of us not being friends right...and it wasn't deep or anything...just went through my head. but it was unsettling by how i was so calm about it. and it made me realizse that i was depressed. more than i thought. i don't want to loose you, ever. but i am just calm when i think about the idea if we ever did. it would suck. but...it's like, i know i'm fucked up already right, and it's just...well, since i'm already fucked...what's the big deal. well the big deal is you chelsea. you're fabulous. i wish all the best to you. because...you try, and i admire that. i admire you. you are wonderous. everyone in the world is wonderful actually. but yet...i look down upon them, as if i am on a big thrown. and i hate that i think that because if i heard someone say that...i'd just be like ' what the fuck, who do you think you are?' but i only feel that way because...or in result of...me having a different mind set. i am so calm about the stuff that frightens them. but i'm not truly calm about it.
a week ago, i was having a smoke...and i became scared. scared of the idea of developing cancer...then dieing. but i was generally feeling good at that time, and now, it doesn't bother me too much. i chose to smoke...in the hopes that i would. i would die. uncureably. can't stop it. a finishing fate. the finale of my 'life'. it's like...saying yes to extra salad dressing. extra cheese. it's all good.
i tend to write a lot when i write to you.
to just summarize...or something. i am actually apologizing about making you frustrated towards me, because, i know you weren't before, and it is something i can apologize about, because it is me. and i don't want you to be angry, or sad or anything. you're beautiful chelsea. i appreciate you staying by me thus far. it's more than what i could ever ask for. it's really amazing.
loving you as a friend, and even more. foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkim