Saturday 3:04 AM Saturday October 30th, 2010
Well the day has been generally fine. Yesterday I had planned my physical-potential path, and I became good with what I had planned. Grounded with it. Walk to work, buy liquor, walk to library, walk back to Starbucks, walk with Dalida to her house, watch movie, room for chat, run home. & It all happened. Subtract the walk to Dalida's (after Starucks' Close) for Linda had driven us home, which is ultimately fine, all the better to arrive at the next-in-line plan ahead; the movie. Movie? Video Clip? Video.
So much in my head. I was washing some dishes, and then some two things Had popped within my head, making me decide to write a blog... one had to do with Jessica T, some thing that had bugged me, about what she had said...done, some thing from today. Another had to do with my night with Dalida... guilt themed? Perhaps.
I have a cup of White RUm + Apple Juice beside me right now. I can smell it. I don't really think I like it... the fuzzy feelings. But there is some thing that was bothering me, a lot actually, today... kept it all in and aside from what I wanted to be focused on. Was the day poroductive? Maybe, in an illusionary productiveness became of it. Well no, rather a sense of accomplishment. I had a cigarette off of Julie today, she is very nice, for some reason I became very forcefully awkward and odd with her when I remet her at the Library. My dialogue gave me this sign.
Dalida painted my thumbnail. Me and nuturing? Healing others? First sip of this fine beverage, it's seeming alright. It's as if, I see that they are hurt, and feeling down and broken, in need. In need of another point of view, another agreeance, a good lesson... they just need something that which I can give, and then, it's just whether or whether not I shall try to help them out. The more I try, then the more, perhaps, I become attached. As I type this, the more I start to whisper-think at the back of my head 'astrology' 'cancer' blah blah, maybe, yes, and no. But I'd like to keep it...as what? More real? = Non-astrological? No, it is not meant. This whisper, I just don't know... keeping me off focused, or letting me know how unfocused I am becoming... so no more assumptions or whatevernot. Let's be 'real'
Another Big sip.
Don't you wish, that when you meet someone that is in need of some help, and is asking for it and whatever. It's like, you know you can help them. You know the time it will take, the effort, the way, the willingness... But then when you start to become angered... with them... why aren't you becoming fixed? Is it not enough, is it ever enough just to realize "Woah, so this all is fixable, so then what the fuck am I scrambling all over for?" YOu know? If I was worried about how fat I was, and then there was this personal trainer here, and knew she could get me non-fat, would THAT INITSELF fix me, the knowledge that me being non-me is possible... so that thereonwards I would become fixed. I would be fixed. And then... overtime, the physical and mental transition would be true. Truly fixed. Harbouring no more fears of the what if, if any of the once-were's would cross ones mind.. they would at that instant be recognized, and vanished, because sense of it would be made. Maybe it's the making sense of it. Like, the recognition that one is fixable... that is only one sense of a state. The starting point. From which sense grows from, develops, and in the end takes over. Smoothly. Of course, thought-points would pop into the mind, you know the nervous emotions would take over, habits, and how-to-react comforting actions would reassume their place, but ONCE recognized, they would have that certain light shown upon them... thought through, anxieties heard... and a new comfort of new and healing ideas would take place.
The new comfort of new and healing ideas would take place. Creating a sort of fix, of peace. Because all we are are minds attached to bodies right? Within these dimensions, visiting and interacting with others, information passing all about. All it is is a bunch of signals and the likes... and it's really simple to reprogram some things. I know, emotions right. But, I mean.. Today, I have heard, twice, people conversationally laugh at certain things that would and eitherwise DO cause discomfort within them. The topic is of one colour, but the hues of the conversation vary. I really hope that makes the sense. (It's like a person laughing within a conversation of their mother's death, all humourically and all, it still hurts, you assume it's hurting them as they joke of it, but still, within THAT humourous moment... they are not hurt. They are not hurt.)
Another Swallow.
Jake, he's smoking cigarettes, and drinking and whatever, beyond from what he accepts as acceptable. He hates it. He hates that which he does. He dislikes his daily drinking, and daily smoking. He does not like to think about it. He continues... He has this sort of dream, this wishful being within him, wanting to just become a smokeless drinkless being. Because he is one. But for some reason, he's not allowed out. He's drunk silent, out of sadness. Lonliness, lack of purpose (Mercury in Virgo). He's in stalemate himself. And he is consumed by his knowledge that "I should not be here right now doing this, this is wrong and bad for me, I am bad for me". And then he feeds it further onwards. Whenever I speak with him, I/we end up talking about this, all I hear is abuse of oneself with cigarettes and alcohol. Abuse of their ideals, a reflection of their selfc-onfidence. A lack of stability within their life, a lack of a future. No emotional joy. No comfort. It's good thought o recognize such, but even better to realize, that it is true. You can just become THAT person. The NON-smoker, NON-drinker. THE YOU. You are always, and forever shall be you, right? So I mean, what with all the lives that which you will no doubtedly own, own them, live them. . . .. ... . . ... ...... .. .. . .
Two Straw Sips.
Maybe there was a point of time from whence Jake's drinking had become daily. A break-up, moving out? One instance when he was drunk that was formidable.
Moving on... Julie, I saw her (as we all did at the meeting) walk to the back of the crowd and whisper non-whisper like to Maryna that she was out of dresscode. Instituting a certain conduct of herself. "Hey there, I'm the law, become afraid, I can screw you. Up to you if you challenge me, if I shall." That what she was saying. I looked at her with a bit of disgust. There's a little bit of a instability. There's a better way. Give her a sheet, and highlight al that is what you mean to say. Easy & Simple and effective.
Jason Wright, at work the other day... his training co-date partner person, I was speaking out loud that which she was to type into the computer at Starbucks... 'Number?' 1624379' 'Name?' 'Kim' 'Last Name?' and then Jason pops in 'Watson'. "Yeah I know this chick. I know you." In his mind he's saying this to me. To Alex (the new girl I was directing) I don't know what she actually assumed there... but I know what Jason had done. & I know that it pissed me off. Ticked me off. Then Robin Macapagal came into my workplace today, after I had gone to the Library. He had come to visit this Jason friend of his, and had asked Dalida "Does Kim still work here?" Yes.. And then he reinstated his position at the lakeshore starbucks fromt he past, and started talking about Greg. Dalida = wtf? But that ticked me off, knowing that. FUCK. Not even a week has passed since I have had this Jason kid walk through these doors. Bitch. Makes me want to pick up a pack of smokes. (& What? Pretend everything's alright and smoking a cigarette will do you any good? It'll make things better?)
(I had 'gone out' with Robin in Gr. 10. Jason is one of his friends. I don't know how close..but remains in contact at the least I'd say.)
A 3 part 8 oz. sip.
That was generally my night tonight. Or, this is me tonight. I haven't even said a thing about Dalida's movie yet. Or how she was hesitant of having me walking home at 2:30AM. Neither can I recall what Jessica T. was getting me all mentally ticked off about nor how becoming friends with Dalida almost scares me. Or no, incorrect. Not becoming friends with Dalida, it's rather the... fear of the unknown emotional past.... it's very real with her. Very. She is a stubbornly fixed sign. I aim to at least some how in my respect make things better. To heal. To give support. To give that other side of things. To agree with her. To let her know, she is not worthless. To give her what she needs essentially. To nuture. I fear this. This door. She's unlocking it at we speak. Why do I have fear? Why is it, that I am afraid of what she bears? Because of the reality of it? My lack of strength to support her, and strength of self to remain committed. Well, she must trust me. Well actually, MOREOVER, I know she does, she has told me, and I do believe her, because I believe to be true, so therefore, it's all true. She trusts me. But, do I trust myself? (Will Smith: iRobot "You must ask the right question.") Do I trust myself to not hurt her. Because she is so real, I would prefer not to cause a nother scar and/or bruise upon her. Because she doesn't deserve such. I fear the impact she is allowing me to have upon her. I could've been a stranger, a thing, a bitch. An unknown and unwanted scoul-fag. But alas, she's trusting me more and more. The problem is with me. As is like when she had been unsure of letting me out of her house, you know. Not wanting me to get hurt,.... blahblahblah. not letting me go. I got hurt, she wasn't. I just...don't, want to hurt her. ANd, within instances like that... where, she becomes protective and her kind of loving or whatever... I banish, because, it's just not my style, it's too much, and is unwanted. I see characteristics that I do not and have not yet identified myself with. I don't know, and I don't want to know, because... I am not in sync yet.
(Before, most/all times before whenst I would type... I would be sure not to have the length of my typings T O O long... but now, I care not. I care not.)
I am going to become fit. I will, I will. I have not yet become this insane gym member, what which I'd love to be. And what with winter coming, I'll just go tot he gym on my post-shift days. Go there, in work uniform and all...run for fifteen minutes, maybe hey, even 20. Then work on some muscles... work on some muscles for some quad, inner thighs/outer, biceps, triceps, B A C K, A B S, and then randomly chins and again A B S, and then some more thighs (lightcore)... then run, for 45 minutes, or even 54 minutes. I wonder if I'm capable of reading a book and running, you know how great that'd be. There is of course that women's workout room. I'd make it work. FOR shure. For sure. Serenity of thought.
I'm going to read... and then sleep some. The bed time that which I have given myself is 4:30 AM, and it is presently 4:10 AM. I'll be seeing you soon Astro Land.
Much Love, Kimberly Watson.
Ontario Canada.
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