Tuesday fillings

Okay - feeling jittery - and kind of wanting to.

I made blueberry Jam.

I've got my bike box and got the pedals taken off of my bike.
It's like, the days when I say to myself, alright, I'll do this and this and this today - and then it's today, and then, you gotta/know you will go and do it.

Oh geeze fuck it's so - illuminating.

I bought a harmonica today.

I will finish my writing assignments today - oh yes. Oh yes I will.

Hopefully in the next three or four hours, so then I can bike down to the bus terminal (lol, on my OLDIE LANCER) and then buy my bus ticket. I don't want to buy it online - it doesn't look too guarded.

I may have to buy more blueberries.. and lemons. I want to make Curtis a pie. But I don't want to make it if he's not around, you know, keep it fresh.

Anyways, we'll see.

Do I feel settled? hmm..

Invigorated?

Fuck.

Knowing the time's coming.

My mom and dad have such eyes for each other and their kids, it's interesting. When my mom was down with me at my aunt's place in Calgary last summer, my dad was all like, 'tell her to call' and such. You know. Keeping in connection and ties.

I wonder.

What is the purest expression of love?

Fleeting Emotions, Remember That.

Who's to say you'll feel differently from when you wake up, to take a shower, to brew your morning's cup of coffee.

Something settling in routines; I want a good routine.

I sort of have one, but it does need to be worked on a bit. Always some fine tinkering; but that keeps it ever-evolving.

I always felt estranged from the sister-sister relationships, even the brother ones - because I was the sister. But it's interesting on how interesting it is on trying to find a place wherein one fits, within their family and to the outer public world.

Maybe I will have five children, so that it is still an odd number (why?) and potentially there will be two of 'each' gender. Am I supporting some argument I've been trying to not support...

I've met people who are only children to their parent(s). If they are raised from a single parent, I don't think I have ever seen them as "incomplete" or missing one contributor. My elementary best friend was raised by her Mom and she was a single mother and everything - gosh I love it. I have such respect for these women who raise their children, or these Dads that raise their children, without the '(in)significant' other. It's such spirit, and drive, and oh-my-god-this-is-fucking-insane-but-I-am-living-and-doing-it-and-these-kids-are-living-and-we-are-doing-it followed with a good hey-we're quite alright aren't we.

'Anyone' can reproduce, especially if they're idiots. Having a "fuck-it!" attitude can be right in the appropriate spaces, in a space where an empty yet do-ing mind may be both focused and not focused so that at a task may be achieved.. but if it's just not the most wisely considered space, then .. would'a should'a could'a.

As much as I do would want to make a political statement by keeping a child if I were to get pregnant, in an 'inappropriate' space/time, I would also really want to consider aborting it.

The other day I had some cramps and become mentally and psychologically anxious on the (dis)reality of being pregnant and about to deliver, and it's a fucking commitment. You can never hold anything in indefinitely- nothing at all! It always comes out, and it's just gunna fucking happen.

The fear of getting pregnant for the anxiety on the bodily commitment.

I am not prego.

I had a nice relationship talk with my mother yesterday. It was - scarily relieving. They always are - and whenever I call her, I call her in wanting to hear from her "leave him." And so - I got just that again, for the nth time.

The thing is - I have a gut, and love is scary, and I know from my past relations in loving other people, it was mostly me loving them - that being said - I have an endless internal fuel and energy on loving someone (sometimes). Sometimes it is for a long time, and sometimes it's quickly in and out, you know. Well you don't. But I am in the same thing, right now. And it doesn't matter how much I am attracted to him, and attracted to the idea of him being the one who gives me a child/children and a potential marriage partner and what not - a partnership! How exciting. But totally untrue.

Anyways - I just let my mental/emotional troubles on this loving relation into the ears of Mama. And with this came many things. 1) Let the past be the past. Trust. 2) It's okay to love someone more than they love you, just as long as they respect that. Aka, not abusing it. 3) In this particular relation, it is not respectful to my love for him if he flirts with other girls, and kisses them. Mm. Foundational.

All of these things Ma was able to understand and give pardon to.
I realize now, him and I were just hooking up with each other, but I was reading it wrong, and there wasn't any respect in it all, honestly. Just want in what the other person provided. And doing the quota on maintaining it.

But all of these things above, my Ma found space in herself to hear my love for him, and say - oh yeah Kim, be firm, don't cry, just say it for it is how it is and how it will be if it is going to be.

But the last thing - I forget how I brought it up after she had said all these things to pardon was, "Ma, he sleeps in til 1pm most days. Wants to have many things, but doesn't want to work for them, will show up late for his job just to prove his point, and complains about working." Mom was repulsed and torn.

-"How old is he?"
-"27 this year."
-"TWENTY-SEVEN!? Kim, no, drop him, and leave him."
I am just loosing it with laughter, this is it, this is the straw on the camels back.
-"27 and he doesn't want to work. Why do you want a future with this man? No Kim, no. Leave now. Leave now, because it is easier to divorce him now than later. Kim, trust me, if you live with him and marry him, your life will be very difficult."

I felt and heard those words, because they answered a very real reality in my head, that no amount of fantasizing could glimmer over. I have the capacity to love, but you know, it's a process, trying to see fantasy from reality from potentiality from strong probability.

And the thing is, this is a character trait. He has kissed girls during the beginning of his 'relationships' and he has always felt this desire to 'prove a point' by sleeping in.

The sleeping in bugs me.
The desire to kiss others and flirt with others bugs me.
But the notice to the future is so relieving. I told him he'd have to move in with me if we were gunna be together, cuz I didn't know how to build a relationship with him (and that would solve problems?!); but when I woke up the next day - I was like - shit. Do I want this?

Sentences go through my head: Do you want me, or are you afraid of losing me? I am afraid of losing you. What are you doing to try and keep me here? Why would I want to stay here? Why would I want you?

Know your battles, and know when to prove to someone that you can love them til death do you part, but don't waste it on someone who doesn't deserve it - jeeze.

And that's why to never prevent your feelings of liking someone to leave them. That's when ones own emotions and mental fantasies and delusions will make them a martyr.

Where do all of these concepts come from, eh? Like, generations and generations of wisdom and experiences from all our human and non-human friends.

Cool.

Well - see you!

Have fun. : )