Mono - Poly - Plato

Now I'm not a cheater, but my heart, or mind, does wander with the next kind soul around. I do like tests of loyalty, and my mind and probably heart is full into Sam. Actually. I feel weird when I write all "myheart myheart" because it's Gel pen diary book nonsense, and I naively believe I have become above it.. whereas, I'm not. But I feel silly. So there we go, I feel silly.

Shaun and I in throwing class put clay in our hair. I had said to him earlier that class that I thought it'd be a cool/neat/funny idea.. and so later he's like, "Let's put clay in our hair." I said no, not me, not now.. he did so anyways. But after I had finished my bowl, I did it. My hair is actually quite soft right now.. remarkable.

We are attracted to the other, honestly, it's people meeting people. If Sam and I weren't getting to know each other, I would be with Shaun currently. But.. with an instinctual fall back, I do feel. I want to explore his body, and spend time with him, but he's far too adventurous and stimulating in a sorta terrifying way.. I think? But he's very shy and likes to clean and he's slightly talkative, but with odd breaks. At least with me. And I'm apart of that too. I'm afraid I restrict some of my conversation, because I don't want to seem forward. But then, I don't speak of Sam, because.. it hasn't been brought up.. I think it's a liking of the attention, and a liking of the guy, generally. But combined with the liking of Sam, and the liking of the Sam=something-combo. And a general going with the flow.

I got anxious last Long Weekend because Shaun had invited me out to a party and I could hear myself laugh-flirting, freaked me the fucking shit out. But so I told and asked Sam, what was what, and he said, "don't be afraid to be you, you know." And so huzzah. I feel confident in my own choice of actions right now. I'm going to add Shaun on facebook so he can check out my status, lmao.

And then we can all be friends and live together forever! Fucking rights, hah.
Passiveconfrontations

The line begins to blur

I could write this everywhere,

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here.

There are days when I'll just relive my memories through photographs. And then you keep on going back in time, and then you see some photos from the more recent of memories, and my skin feels translucent. I told Jake a couple nights ago about my temper tantrums, and he's like, "You? Really?" sorta thing. Things that you hold to be definitive moments of you, and then it doesn't exist outside of the realm of your head. I should do some fucking homework. Like, if I want to find the essence of me? The pure and stableness to my identity.. it doesn't exist. Because I'm only here in this moment, and things are happening around me and i'm reacting to them, but so they don't define anything stable in me.. i guess. So those temper tantrums don't even exist now? Unless I do them? If a mole's on your skin one day, and the next it's gone, do you still point to that spot and say, "Look at this mole." Of course it's gunna be like.. there's nothing there. But to honor the mole that was. Why do we visit graveyards.

You know when you're resenting life a bit, .. but it's nothing serious, just super inconvenient. I've got a health reminder of a bad choice in the past. The fucking butterfly effect man. If I could rip my sexual reproductive organs out, but still have sex, and still reproduce, I fucking would. But alas.. we are one and the same individual, body, and active choice maker. Action taker.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckffffuuuuuccccccccccccccccccccCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK

Most of the time when I say "you" I mean "I"

You know when you're sitting there, hoping, wishing and expecting someone to act a specific certain way for you to you with you.. and you can only measure time passing, because nothing is coming. For those moments, that waiting just leaves you hung and you don't know why your head isn't effective when it reasons with you, so this range of branches in your chest, in the centre of your torso, goes up in flames. There's an ignition that can't be denied, because you're just believing what your feeling, and maybe your need pushes forward the clocks at a greater speed, so that sometime itd be helpful if you could simmer down a bit when it comes to these cravings. I read in to the pauses so much that, well after they had replied, given back, shared again with you, that I'm left with a feeling of shame. It was nothing big, and nothing grand - it just , the pauses, or at least me sitting there waiting (because I choose to), they accumulated into...

I try to be 'communication-efficient', long holdings out, in my romantic-view of the past, I guess they were more heartstrong - depending on all those pigeons and mailmen on horseback with funny hats.

I'm eating anchovies, and remembering how I said years ago, "I don't think I could ever be not vegan, because it just seems like the right thing to do in all ways." Yet, I am not. But I have learned more, about aspects that surround and influence me. Or maybe I'm just thinking differently without a true cause. But so with this... I wonder if there's something false about what I say, or how I feel right now. I'm told nothing lasts, and I nor does anyone else (I'm sure) have actual proof of eternal-ness, but how does one test eternity without letting it run through. It's like watching a movie, stopping half way, and saying, "it has a good ending." But maybe there are ways beyond the physical and beyond time.

I haven't said much about any of the things I've wanted to say, for a while.

Firstly, Marena's quite kind. And most of the disfriendly conduct was decided through mis/un/discommunication. If we need to resolve something, I will block the pathways to get to this point of resolution by seixing my words up. Now.. how's that for constructive roomatism.

2ndly - Sam is quite nice. I adopt, as with Marena, different ways of seeing something. "If something is broke, we fix it" is what I read on this marriage/relationship picture thing from the web before. Sounds promising, and enduring. Ahh, so I'd like to keep that in my mental filing for further review, when it comes to my future 'broken'ness and dilemmas. Just meaning the obstacles I'll most definitely face later on. Well I guess that saying goes beyond Sam, in to all my relations with people. Because, let's face it... shocked by my expectations not being met.. I'll just disconnect from any one, for a long period of time. Call it the hurt ego. Well anyways..


Today I have this gear in my mind that says I may accomplish whatever I want today. To plough over the past difficulties I've been met with daily. There is actually this persistant one, that no-one actually knows, except God and Sam. And today, I'm making the move. Well, I made the move already, but the folks on the other line weren't there, so.. I'll be making my move again. It's quite settling.

Charles for the first time went for my hand through the glass.. fuck - he's hungry. I'll thaw out another one tonight.

I have a new phone that reminds me about things, and keeps me on track - which is very nice. Very.


Peace and Adios.