I love sweat pants. I love what Rocky wears when he works out.

The background/foreground noise: Keziah Jones - AFROSURREALISMFORTHELADIES


Back again, and it feels normal. Anti-climatic. And I mean that in a non-derogatory way. It is now routine, which is alright. Anything exciting planned? Just gather the material things, and read some things. I actually seem to have a lot of expectations for the next few days and what not. Of tasks, completely minor, which set the foundation for fulfilling other tasks coming on.

In the last couple of days I have allowed myself to get caught up in thinking about things that bug me. Personality disorders to be exact. Yet, I find that term completely misleading. Well wait, I am getting caught up in the connotation of personality disorder. Someone isn't acting quite right, they're probably acting crazy, whatever that means. Loopy, extremes in behavior and mood.

(The other day, I wrote down, "by critiquing we expose ourselves.) We come to "know" the world, in how we know ourselves. We paint the world with our filters. That being said...

These personality disorders. Conversely, are there any ordered personalities? What is order? What is order in relation to chaos? Chaotic order, and ordered chaos. We could look at the colour red and call it blue.

Nominal, is a cool concept. By using the word red, we are addressing the word, and not the object. There is no objective red. Objectivity. Abstraction.

Do you ever wonder what you are talking about?

I have brought this up in conversations with Mareena and Shaun. It's refreshing. It's remembering the train that you ride is on tracks. Who put the tracks there. Who's initiating the conversation.

It's interesting how conversation takes place. Instead of speaking of one truly singular object, it is two (yet more) sources, blending in all their experience and ideas, into one. A melange. Maybe the singular comes out afterwards. On the recorded cassette of the interaction.

At times I want to record a lot of my interactions and conversations with people. I love being able to go back through texts. I love how conversations never die. Always changing it seems. Reading things more than once is epic too. Each time you go through the words, just totally different. You, the words, the temperature of the pages. Somehow, always meaning different.

Shane and I got stoned the other day, and that was lovely. I really like thinking and wondering about ideas with people. Sometimes I feel like they're not as into it as I am. Or it is strange. Just sitting down and wondering is an amazing thing.

Yes, think. But we all think about different things. I'm not saying that I'm a miraculous genius, and I feel I must say this, because I feel a bit self-conscious, interesting, that strangers are out there reading this. Not really though, this site is quite inactive. But, interesting.

There was a book today in Chapters that I was wanting to get for some fleeting moments. It had a title something along the lines of, "in an interconnected world: establishing the boundaries" Might is right. Just because you can, should you? There is temptation to say that, "well, we put our shit out there, so people know that trash is public space." And, know, that I am talking to myself in these moments. And the world.

Curiousity.

There was also this book, "The Good Book. A humanitarian bible." or something. Sounds interesting. I didn't much like it though, I read barely anything of the text, but i like the idea of me rewriting the bible into how I saw it, and agreed with it. I'm still hovering around the sexual orientation stuff.

Daniel once said (something along the lines of) What makes more sense for a religious society to gain power, but to condemn non-heterosexual relations, to make as many children as possible, and thus sexual reproduction becomes not about hedonistic pleasure, but pious, only to brew more of its like.

I feel like there are four of me inside of me.

Maybe that's why I have to speak out the thoughts from my head. The noise inside becomes so congested. Which do I listen to?

I love words and communicating. I love having a lot of stimulation. What is boredom?

I can get bored outside doing things, I can get bored a lot. In any experience.

You can just think outside of the experience, and you may become bored of the experience.

I watched the second Hunger Games in theatres last night. Last night was night. I was angry and couldn't fall asleep, my mom comes in and asks me what's up, "Can't sleep?" "Yes, because I am thinking of all the things that make me angry." So she gets me to vent. And I do. And after a while I become conscious that we have just been talking about me for a while, with me doing a lot of the talking. So I ask her what's up.

I soon become tired, and wanna fall asleep. Mm, love those moments. Went to bed at 2am, and woke up at 9. Oh, maybe that's not as crazy as I thought it would be.

But the Hunger games is a good movie, and it has a good plot, but i was bored within it. I was not bored when it came to...fighting the monkeys? Something along those lines, where my mom and I were busting in our seats and whatnot, tense, all our bodies tense, readjusting, and trying to find comfort. Holy, so scared? yikes. That was nice. Good involvement.

It was the plot that didn't get me. The formula and how they filmed it was good and effective, I just didn't care about it. I could not have been there. That's how I feel about sex, and talking to people at times. When and where I am not present. Oh gosh, should I be present? No. It's just that, I like doing things sometimes, and for however long or not. Boredom man. Need a change of .. pace? Stimulation? Environment? Yes.

Which brings me to ideas, they can changed so quickly. And also painting. The image changes so quickly, even when it's done slowly, but the involvement is a constant revealing.

Cigarettes and meals, a lot of the times I don't need the rest beyond the start, yet I continue.

I got bored thinking a lot during the biking trip. A lot of the times I would want to read, something more than billboards, and perhaps sit and play some piano and music. Most I did musically was sing with my voice. Zoning out, when it happens/happened, was/is awesome.

I think I am done writing for tonight. Thank you... abyss.

Of people, robots, spy agencies and whatevernot and inbetween.

just because someone is willing to do it, or you have them wrapped around your finger, avoid the temptation in asking them to do it. Why are you asking them? What are your intentions? And what do you want? What do you want them to want? Though, you know their intentions and reactions behind the direction, why play the victim (i [pre]suppose) when they play out their cards.

is it there? or is it just me.

Thanks! Bye for now.

Mornings adrift.

Darling, we have so much to see.

Soley - Pretty Face

    I'm enjoying Soley's accent a she sings.  I do not think she is from Scotland, but I have an urge to go there now. Why not. Why question some things? Maybe I was in tuned with some part of my pre-determined life, when at 19 I said I'd like to go to Scotland by the age of 23. 

Hah! I am 22 and a half years old, to this day. Count my age, by counting the rings on my fingers - free since day one.  Let me live in words.

 

In need of music.

Oh phone, where are you. Music to my soul, fuel to my endurance, I need your data. I need your batteri, and the earphones into you I plugged. Your output is my input. My input, your output, out putting me to my family, and few friends.

Where I thought I knew I put you, you are gone. Vanquishing, only leaving me with doubt. Fragments of a memory, not knowing where you rest now after I held you in my hands.

Coming back to my house, I cannot find you. Maybe you still lay in my bag at school. Doubting again. Will I ever find you?

Over and Over again.

Good Morning,

I am listening to four windows of this playlist, it's quite interesting: Rec Royal playlist #9


I have definitely three pages ready for the book, but also one more. Which is just as much finished, it could be enhanced a bit. I had some serious involvement with the production of these images/drawings yeseterday. Holy. Three brownies : ), ahahaha. And then three more later on in the day. The trouble is, I feel like you can only get one eureka high during the day. Maybe. One we're you're super active, and not super tired. That, also I wasn't peaking in energy come the nighttime. I will probably end up adjusting that last maybe image.

Just keep on going, and hopefully you will like it.

or

Just keep on going, until you like it.


Mm?

Today is a day

Is today as weird as it feels?

Sooner than you notice, the same day that happened last week appears again.

Life just.. not zooming.. before your eyes.. the sensation of it zooming by occurs, when one mind remembers instances long ago. For a young mind with little memory, perhaps life is long, and delayed. Zooming is a by-product of memory. Yet also.. it can feel like it's been a long time.

Maybe none of this is decipherable, because, it's just however you feel that day. And however you feel affects, and filters your memories, and in what honor or non-honour you wish to recollect them.

This is the playlist to set the mood

Just walking into the kitchen today. Microwave some soup I made two nights ago. Why do I have to eat over and over again? My mood: not too spectacular, sluggish. By-product of said mood: Calm, looking for the spectacle.

Limbo: Smoke a cigarette? Write out nothing? Read? Eat?

I have class in an hour and a half, and that feels like a short amount of time, because it feels like a short amount of time. I slept in late, maybe this reflects it all. I dislike going to bed at midnight, it's stupid really. I know the consequences. It's waking up at 930, fuck. Too tired.

Maybe there are no answers, just imagination.

There are words that I repeat to myself oftentimes. Let's call them monthly themes. And one has been, "Be true to your emotions, but do not sabotage yourself."

This is where I feel self-judgement comes into good use. Self-critical? But.. with what theme? With what garnish? This can leave someone feeling very badly, or of no purpose, useless, or.. awesome?

Okay.

Two things, yet... sort of one signal:

A bite. And a nibble. Both involve using the teeth, and closing the jaw, and let's say it's on flesh. Because I like flesh.

Now. The bite, connotes something bad, like either a defensive or offensive measure.

The nibble is cute, sensuous, done in bed, you know, lovey dovey.

Now, two things, but seemingly one. To judge.

Now, judging yourself.. you can do it, because you feel like you need to put yourself down. Your goal is to see bad and maliscious judgements on the self.

Yet, also. There is making judgements, or gadging, or thinking critically.. it's seeing things as they are, acknowledging your moods, and how they affect the assessment, especially if you are assessing yourself. Now, if you're doing this all because you want self-improvement, then.. right on. Right on right on.

But of course maybe, don't think too much in life, just go with it.

Two photos I will include. One of this drawing sculpture I made, and another of the current stage my stone carving is in. I mapped out the chains. There is a very large error in how I carved it, but let's see how it turns out.. it's fucking.. ludacris. But more on that later...

Oh, and this is a good message from a Church, from Emo, Ontario's website.
"For some people, stepping through the doors of a church is a life-giving, routine event, while for others it can be an intimidating and fearful activity that they have avoided for years.  Whatever your background or experience with followers of Jesus, we at Calvary Baptist Church invite you to join us on a Sunday morning as we study God’s word, the Bible, together and seek to have it shape our thoughts and actions."

 I like it because I'm the one where it's not a routine, haha. Fully intimidating. HAH! Just a set of doors, but means a lot more. mm.

No more standing.

One song. One fucking song only;

http://youtu.be/cbpP4iQlpb0

Take the edge off

http://youtu.be/0tcDXJfAFVw

A pusher.

You want to hear some words?

Nervous, but doesn't want to show it, she puts the poem she'll read atop of a stand. Now, her hands are free. And as she breathes, exhales song and feeling, and inhaling grief, lonely breathes pumping her life, she reads..

[ All fools in love

blown by the wind.

Optimism flourishing

an impossibility

I wake up

worried about the distance

just wait it out

Perhaps she's making it worse

makes me guilty for wanting it

we are waiting

Powered by your emotions

maybe it will love you back

get driven

crave them at times

a fabulous breath of 

Sourir sans caution

The sunrise is around now

I think  I am here

eyes still tired

Tumbleweed comes

wise, they became fools

a dream, fully real

whatever it is, it was beautiful ]

Stepping back, she hopes she was as clear and audible as she hopes. She hopes no quivers dwelled in her voice. She hopes her voice was strong. I wonder what pictures they all thought. I want them to see this paper, so she moves away and permits them to hopefully stand and look at the following images.

Three black ballpoint ink drawings, and three typewritten poems. How are they arranged?

[ Over skin, feeling you softly
This is my remedy
Smiling at me. Hey.
if I am angry, it comes from resent
People doing whatever they want
Remain Honest ]

[ I wake up.
Worried about the distance
Perhaps she's making it worse
just wait it out. ]

[ He shows me the sounds of some words
a fabulous breath of
an impossibility
Rewarding inasmuch as it is scary
in those situations
wise, they became fools
I am tired of being scared ]

_._.-.-._._.-._._._.-.-._._.-._._._.-.-._._.-._._._.-.-._._.-._._._.-.-._._.-._._._.-.-._._.-._._._.-.-._._.-._._

 Hey. My teacher Dan had demonstrated this really neat method on word/phrase/image construction. He cut out lines of words, from magazines, into strips, and after having acquired a collection, he randomly selects a few of them, providing him with phrases/images/pictures/verses.

So I went home and did the same, but used my typewritten entries, and a few from earlier journals this year, as my lyrical foundation. Feels better. Feels.. more reflective, and practical. Before I was questioning, "But who's words ARE these?!" I like it when they are more my own.

Anyways. This, is an experiment.

I've drawn out one image already. Who know it if it will be used.

But, let's continue.

This is one of those.. weed projects.

For you

This one will be right quick.

I have the urge and desire to write. To write about nothing really. Maybe it's the cleanliness of the keyboard that draws me.
I have no personal computer now. So the context of my usage will be within computer labs at school.
I have started to use my other Facebook account. I haven't added Marena, because I am rejecting the obligation to.

I have Tabitha, Olivia, and Shaun.

In the second bin would be Marley and Mareena.

In the third, wouldn't even be Shane, because he lives too far away, if that makes sense. I would just use his account to snoop with him, rather than.. whatever.

Business. Let's try business.

I joined the Bored Club on the Facebook page (dear God, 'Facebook' is in this computer's dictionary).
I have sent a message to Masaaki, one of the initial starters, other than Shaun, hoping that he is still here and interested. If not - ah well.

So Saturday is the bike ride to Lawrencetown. They have a tea shop out there, so I will have some tea when I'm there. Maybe there is also a place to eat, so I won't need to pack a lunch.

Mareena biked out to Dartmouth today, and I was envious. Hah. I guess I just want the kilometres.

Alright, well - Saturday is when I'll essentially be able to have that sweet time to myself again.

I like the idea of taking 9 credits, instead of 15, and filling in my time with biking.


It is really nice to bike. It's peaceful. It feels good once the breath is in need of catching, and the ass has been flexed.


Anyways,

Respectfully,


Kim.

kkamloops, bc

maybe it is because I settled into Kamloops pretty late last night, .. i dont feel like moving much. right now at least. last night i was letting myself believe that the motel room was haunted. so i turned on the lights, slept not in the bedroom, turned the bedroom lights on, but shut the door. i slept with the tv on. but i usually do it seems in motels. i just need rhat light and the noise. may be it forces me to fall asleep. i love feeling the sleep come over you. like how a blanket covers you. light, natural. conscious of it, but .then also not. it was an okay sleep. i still felt like sleeping though afterwards. but i went to bed at 10? woke up at 8e0? my life is astoundingly mundane. but life is mundane. this application keeps on closing on me. i think the feeling is being rushed out of context. why do i need to hurry right now. 80 k is not long, but it can be. its shorter than from my house to peggys cove and back. i will get going soon though. to be in cache creek will be nice. this will prob take six hours, the commute. i hope its a good day...........................maybe i just feel like mumblinf, like having something to do. i would mind to draw something, but that takes time. and i dunno... as i continue to not move, i have less and less time. anyways. I'll be seeing yah.  toodles

ccross roads

this video... alice smith mm so good. I'm currently sitting outside a gas station. it's in between bassano and strathmore alberta. it's thirty two degrees out and coming up a hill, the only hill ive met in a w h i l e, when I got up it, the back of my rhroat was uncontrollably dry. so i was coughing. but it is okay. this gas station wasnt marked on google, so i was all like hallelujah baby. i have listened to that alice smith song a bit  sing this noon. my fingers are sticky from orange. about sixty more kilometres to go today. thats going from my apartment in hali down to crystal crescent and back. it is so incredibly close and far. far, only because of this dry heat. but close, if i sit and chill for a bit. i met a friend last night. i saw him first in herbert saskatchewan on the transcanada. and then again later that day on the road. and then again later that night. and again late last night in brooks alberta. he is somewher e around me today. he said hed be forty klometres outside of calgary tonight. one hundred and eighty four kilometres away, calgary to brooks. strathmore, the perfect one hundred  and forty kilometres away. thats where i hope to be tonght. but who knows! but seriously, hah, strathmore is the goal. oh fuck this sun! it's crazy i tell you. now lemme tell you, sixty kilometres is not bad. ohhh no it is not. why am I complaining then? it's hot. it's weather. deal with it kim. breathe through your nostrils and get over it. last night and today i dont mind the idea of company. maybe it is coming into the surface because i know i will have company soon. it is nice having a checklist of having people to see. before it was just a dream, a mere breathe of words that i would be seeing my fam, dylan, julian, the god parents. christ, it still is a bit of a dream that i will b seeing shane. i havent texted him till i told him that i was planning to do this. and that was in april. those mountains are freaky in my head. lets hope the wind is aight, the shoulder is fine. my strength is revibed. and that my...well i dunno. lets just do it and have fun and yadda yadda yadda, you know. okay. love you loads, good bye for now

Estevan

i washed my hair with shampoo, and now I can't even grab a lock without it slipping out of my hands. You know what - there is "too soft".

Biking has been good. It's nice to chill out every now and a bit. I did an even 100 k a day when leaving Winnipeg to get to Estevan. It's nice to have a set standard. Somedays the 100 k is like moving through honey, and on others, I can just zoom through it dedicatedly. Later on tonight I will map out what my route will be on way to Calgary. It's a bit over 900 km.

Yhep. Today I am sewing, and I started the morning with some beers.

It seems I've always been recording my life. Somewhere, there are ashes to burned papers, or bits and corners of saved diary pages - or encripted data that in some way, describe a life.

A singular.

I don't know how I feel right now. Maybe the closest way to describe it would be - mundane - yet trying to make it into something sorta poetic. Mundane and in vain.

Anyways - I'm sewing and drinking brandy - life's good.

hi

Wow.

It has been an interesting morning. This is not a good motel. Mm-nn.

Yesterday was a nice bike ride. My legs were definitely tired, yet wanting to cross the Manitoba border. I'm about 15km in - haha. Today is a day of rain and thunderstorms. Tomorrow my parents leave to Las Vegas, and since my phone doesn't have service here, I will bike out extra early, just to see if I can arrive within service, within Winnipeg range, and then call mi paren'tays.

Boy - I dislike dirty public computers.

Cleanliness! My body is aching to clean this place up. Seriously. There is chewed gum, and a whole lotta debris just chilling beside me. It's like an acute attention to detail, I can't help it.

But, I just paid for an extra night - I had to call my parents first for their advice. My mom's advice - do not complain, do not gamble with your security. If I make a bad face with the owner here, then they do not let me into the hotel, and then where would I be? This is the only hotel within forty clicks. Then I would bike into the rain for that distance, to see if the next motel could be open, or .. It's hard to say. She then asked to call my father. My dad asked, "How much is it?" "110$" and quicker than anything he responds with, "Take it. That's not that much." His voice is concerned and paternal, very much so. He explains that 110$ is not that much when compared to getting sick - which is what happened biking into Lake Superior Provincial Park.

The owner manager here, I was introduced to him first on the phone - when I was calling in. But when I arrived, he wasn't in - and another Lady signed me in. She was awful, but I got a laugh out of her, and that was worth it. It's nice, especially nice to see a terrifying face laugh because of kindness - that's something to focus on. She charged me 110.

This morning, I come to ask if I can get an extra phone - so I can call my parents - because the buttons 9 and 6 on the phone in my room do not work. I am waiting for someone to come to the office - and a lady comes up and knocks on the closed glass doors, and out comes the manager. Before he comes out, she says that sometimes they are hiding. Anyways, she begins to complain about the poor conditions of this hotel, when compared to what she is paying. I completely agree with her. There was sand in my bed - I mean - mmm-nn.

She gets revved up talking to me before the manager comes in - and when they arrive, instead of pulling her into the office for privacy, they both turn their bodies so as to put this show on display to me. I am apart of their conversation. It's interesting. Like I was watching a play.

I just wanted a phone to call my mom. I think at that moment I was fairly set on biking out to the next motel, though not pleased. After they have their dispute, the owner then begins giving me his perspective on the conversation. The business situation is uneasy. And a strong disjoint in communication between the folks that work/live here.

The owner manager, and the lady customer, are both pleasing individuals. Just circumstantial have to deal with each other in obstacles. The situation is fixed, by the lady taking her family to another hotel, and the manager giving her the refund for the extra day she will not be staying for, though a no-refund policy exists. I mean - people have a - this better not suck policy - and we all have our limits - and people and their policies must adapt to the circumstances.

Predominantly I listened. But gave no heat. There was one moment in which I said that I am in a pickle - I cycled here, and it is raining - yadda yadda. The owner ends up giving it to me for 75$, to stay for this evening. I think out of comparison maybe - to the customer lady whom spoke to him before me - that could be why? But anyways - to combine my Dad and Mom's wisdom, and some help from someone else - let's say - I am here.

I feel like I am scared to define myself as a Christian - because I am technically/spiritually - not - according to the Good Book, I guess.  But voila. This morning has turned out good. I get to stay here, for a more comfortable price. One where I don't mind the dirt, but can understand it.

There is a pool here too - so maybe I could swim for a bit? Who knows. Who knows.

I still do not know, it is either Steinbeck, or Winnipeg tomorrow. Maybe Winnipeg actually. For if I want to get my bike fixed, I can bring it in on the Saturday that I arrive - hopefully before the cycle store closes. And then Hopefully I can get it back on a Sunday afternoon, if they are open, or a Monday morning - before we bike out to the Beach - I guess. Anyways - I hope this all fits together, and if it doesn't fit accordingly to how I had intended, then according to the good-willed intentions of the almighty, let's say.

I feel like I act more cautionary now. It's like - before I was 3, God didn't exist, so I was spared. And now, psychologically - he exists, so my conscience has brought me into His judgement. It's like a form of paranoia.

Anyways - arividerchi.

1/3

Guilt and pleasure in liking how one looks. \maybe it's a lie. \\


\let's not go there\

Two days, or practically one, or practically none - more days that \i begin the next



Up to Milton, is a bit over 1900 kilometres.
time to do it, twice as good.

CHill out.

The riding in the humidity is tough. A big change from riding quick in the sheltered clouds, and cool rain/moisture of the air. Today, and yesterday, is like swimming in mud. Spots of shade where the few trees shelter the road are as precious as crystal caves found in the earth rock.

Two days ago? I couldn't go to sleep. It took so long. My mind was in an argument with Marena about what the fuck is up. Finding out what the fuck is up. Seeing how to say what the fuck is up. Is there something up with the fuck? Who knows? I checked my horoscope the next afternoon, it said nothing about aggression. So I looked at my chart, and I saw that Mars is in opposition my Moon right now. I looked that up, it said, HOSTILITY IN HOME. So, voila. That, accompanied with my moon placement...-anyways, I don't mean to say that it's because of the stars I'm feeling this way about the what-fuck, it is more like - this energy is being used to expose some shit. I truly feel better when I see myself without living with Mareena, hot damn. It's just how do I get there.

My mom called me in the morning, asked me how my sleep was - I said bad. It took a LOONGG time to get to sleep. And as soon as we started talking about Marena, my voice is rising and I'm yelling into the phone. It's like the emotion and tone of my inner voice are just being brought into vocal reality. I'm laughing also, because I must look fucking crazy. I'm biking with my phone in my hand, over this bridge, yelling and cursing about a roommate. Ah, life.

My mom's advice, 'enjoy yourself'. Think of good things, you know. Yes yes, I know. But really - to whom can I freak out? What do I do with this anger? That has been the task at hand in the past few days. I've been just angry. Where is it coming from? Are there any issues? Is it just because of physical effort? I hated leaving montreal, because of all the stupid fucking stop signs. I'm not even trying to be optimistic. I am just spitting at everything.

And then, blah blah blah, I try a couple of times to be optimistic, and really - yes. There will be times that I will be DIEING for some scenic thing to stop for. Something to break up the road - aka, the Alberta, Saskatchewan, and Manitoba.

My legs this morning are fucking beat. I'm going to try and do a really early morning thing tomorrow morning. Wish me luck. I gotta remember to motivate myself.

I saw a quote yesterday, "don't take life too seriously, or you won't make out of it alive."

YHEP.

recap

I cried the other night, because I thought rancid feelings were left between Shaun and I. And there were. A sour feeling had been left in the mouths of us both. It didn`t feel right. The delivery of our intention was off. I am typing this out, because I feel ashamed at how on and off I am with my relationships. Its either they are good, or they are bad. In any case, the next afternoon we called each other. We just need to know that we do find love in the other. And that`s why it hurts to think of the other gone, or not willing. Circumstantially, I am doing this thing, and him his own. Its everything. All at once. Both yes, and a no. Freedom, but also a bind. I barely thought of what was what yesterday during the bike ride (which was awesomely pure and simple). I could only think of funny and good things. Things worth remembering. Simple shapes of smiles, and sounds of laughs. Reverberating joy. I feel like I pulled the fire alarm when I saw a match hit the carpet. But i swear in those moments those fibrous carpet hairs were starting to singe and catch a flame - but then it subsided.

What is that? Lack of faith? Over precautious? Assuming?

Anyways, it settled itsefl and is all fine. Its the reflecting that causes the grudge with me. What lesson should I learn?

I feel better that it`s at a place of good feelings. And I feel really good in knowing the availability of my friend Olivia. I just dont want to be the boy who cried wolf. But hey, maybe there is a wolf, its just hiding under grandmas clothes.

Anyways, trying to feel good I guess at this point in my life, because in the other last points in my life I was trying to feel bad. And this is the time for breaking into the change.

Gd bless.

900+ km in

I am in Québec City. This keyboard is in french - so.

My am I ever in a shy mood. I felt my first brush of anxious excitement today, when a guy who works at the hostel here invited med out to a poetic reading - maybe, but most definitely an underground metal show at his friends house. Lets do it. I cant make any apostrophes. Its a very calm nervous.

You know, isolation and self-exhilation is definitely ok. its more that - when a connection is desired, well, its not readily there - and you know what, this is what is called making friends. its softening the shell and so on.

The St.Lawrence River yestesrday and the day before, but most particularily yesterday was beautiful. Wonderful. To just sit there and have the soft warmth of the sun. The wind carried in. You know where the mouth of the river was fed. And now you travel beside it. The aves are soft, because, its not the ocean.  And thats okay. 

A couple of days ago, and on and off, while Im riding I become quite angry. and its a big fuck you to a lot of people. Not really a lot of people, but a lot of things that I have been exposed to. I am very sensitive to the people around me, and .. ah. I love that I am moving away from a lot of things. 

I told Julian on the phone two nights ago that I wanted a bachelor apartment, and he asked ;why, do you not like living with Marena anymore?; I think it was the immediate idea of it. Its either black or white. No, I just want to live alone. Or, no, I just do not want to live with her. I still dont know what to do. There are things that bug me, but I havent told her, because if I told her what bugged me, then Id have to talk to her. And I just dont want to. I dont feel received well and honestly. And it most defintely goes the same way. Look at me. I say this to a french keyboard and not her. Anyways.

I just dont want to live there with her anymore. And I dont even want to explain it, because it will just hurt more and more people, and sometimes a feeling neednt be explained, for there are flowers that grow from the cracks of the sidewalks, and noone is asking them why.

Meh. Its like being judged a bad person for doing what you want. Its just a matter of when and how I deligate this, and to what extent do I know what Im talking about.

-------------=-=-=-=-=-+-=-=-=-=-=------------

The trip has been wonderful. Ive met a few casual people, but nothing solid yet. They are all seeds, germinating as we speak I guess. You know what it is, I havent used my voice a lot. Shure, the brain has been on and talking, and the fingers do write every now and then, but seriously - limited vocal skills. Today I spoke in English to Patrick, the french guy who works here at the hostel who invited me out. And it felt genuine, as in, I am tired. Im going to start seeing it as beautiful though, rather than an obstacle. 

I met with Sam. I met with Sam, because I saw the apartment he was staying in last year, in Fredericton. That was a mindfuck. Like I just walked into a place of badd baddd past abuse. Meaning, a disgusting shithole of a series of memories. So I felt like I had to tell him where I was and make a connection with him else my conscience would be shaded. So I did, and I biked to see him (it was a beautiful bike ride, one of the best, seriously) and I met him in his town. Well, he actually picked me up in Hartland, because I had my first flat tire there. And I just jumped at the opportunity of a car ride. Even though I Fixed the tire ok.

In the last text he sent it was, ;I missed you a lot Kim; And Im diluting how awkward it was to read that - ;well this is good timing then hey; So he picks me up  readily, and Im thinking to myself, this is great. I appreciate how he makes himself available to me. Jamie (the guy from the Uk who is running across Canada whom I met for the first time that day also) said that that was a horn dog move that Sam did. Thank you Jamie. That is still disgusting. Sam and I get to talking, and I am feeling really good and jolly. Because Jamies words of advice to me was take it easy and slow and be open to having fun. Dont have to be pushed by a schedule. Enjoy yourself. Okay, so I did. Im laughing with Sam. And hes offering to take me to Fredericton tomorrow to see if they can do a check up with my tire. Him and his friends were already going to go there to get some board game things. im excited for an awkward situation to turn into a bright fun time with friends. I guess the amount of sunhine that day made me delusional. Sam in the car is driving me around Florenceville-Bristol, hes taking me to makeout backroads, and sex lookout or whatever. The first one is real and popular among the kids there, and the latter one is just a place we found taking the car up some fourwheel vehicle roads. Im wondering why the fuck is this applicable right now. There is no need for make out road, but yes, driving around doing nothing, I am into. ;Kim, can I ask you an awkward question?; Ah yeah, shure. ;Do you want to make out?; Ah - what? No. Absolutely not. my mind is no where near those thoughts. What do you mean by make out? Do you still have romantic feelings for me? - ah, no. I just think youre cool and that making out would be nice. - oh, you just want to make out with someone then?  - no, not anyone. Oh my gosh - I am just, in this fucking car. He starts telling me how hes depressed, and has been since before he met me. One crazy mother fucking son of a bitch. I -- eh --- have very little pity for him. He gets cold. ;Maybe lets check out your bike and see if it works. I dont want my friend Zach to get awkward tomorrow with you going to Fredericton.; Okay, so now im out of the plans. I ask Sam if I did anything. He says no. He just doesnt want his friend to be awkward with me. Jamie and Shaun both say its because I didnt kiss him. Holy shit - look, I have just vomited on this fucking keyboard. 

I have so much anger about this - and I dont know how to address it or change it yet, but I guess i am just feeling it. But really, Im more or less supressing it. I tell him I dont know whats up, he just changes and now we renot going to hang out tomorrow. He shrugs his shouldrs and says whatever Kim and gets in his car. Im setting up my tent by this time, hes dropped me off at the Tim Hortons in Florence ville. I tell him thanks for the lift, but nevermind to everything else, and I agree with him that he should be leaving now. He sits in the car for 30 seconds, gets out and is walking around with his eyes watching his feet as he shuffles them around in the grass. Whta the fuck are you doing here. Enough of this fucking crazy shit. He says some times I love you Kim, and other times I hate you. And I ask him what the point of us meeting was... was it just for his revenge? I reassure to him that my summer enjoyment does not need him. I tell him he is being an asshole, when I come down and look for friendship. Jamie says my conscience is clear, Shaun said that no one will say that I am being wrong for judging Sam, because I told Sam - this is the second time that he;ll play it cool and walk away, shrugging me off like I am a bother - and I tell him it hurts. And my feelings are real. Welts of tears are right underneath my diaphragm. Of course I am not going to cry in front of him. But anyways - he leaves, Have a good summer he say, and I say to him, have a good life. And seriously. Good fucking riddance - I am going to be real - and not even that fake sweet thing I do. He is a piece of shit.

Now, when I am biking and thinking these things it gets difficult to bike. I dont want certain thoughts to sour my rides.

I have fear to go on into the northern ontario and winnipeg. It will be fucking hot. And not that many towns I guess. But seriously - the terrain gets different and whatever not. It just has to be done.

I met 3 60+ year old men in two days. One gave me a watch and some rags to wipe grease when in need, another let me camp on his lawn and gave me a leatherman, and q-tips, and cottonballs and air scented spray that i left in the next motel. And the other was from France. At my age he got Married, and now he is seule (alone) divorce or widow, i dunno - and he says he is living out his youth now.

Of course I have been thinking of Shaun on this trip. I think of the relationship abstractly. What do I need one for? How may I not be able to travel. Why is building a home the ultimate thing, when there is a world full of homes out there, waiting to welcome you. 

I dont know how I feel right now about Shaun. The gap is growing more, maybe. Like the summer. And we cant stay true to each other, because that puts a lot of strain onto the relationship. Of course, whatever I do, I must be ok with him doing and so on. Anyways, what we left with was to enjoy ourselves, in whatever form it comes, if it feels good to. I am certain it was that. and then when in vancouver, when I see him. I see him there, and we reconnect.

Life is fucked man.

I really do feel better on the bike.

I want a bachelor apartment.
I dont want to have to explain myself to people.
I like it when people understand it on a feeling level.


mm. Quebec. Im more than halfway to Milton now.

Yhup.

Think of things that will only move your forward.


TOday I'm very close to permanently deleting my facebook. This is definitely going hand in hand with the feelings of detachment I have with some of the relationships in my immediate environment. This is for no alarm - it's just - a reorganizing of quality vs. quantity. Do I want to know what you're doing every single day? What's on your thoughts, &c. Or do I just want to .. see you, hear you, feel you. I want to know how you are. Wow. My wrists are close enough to clip off this FB.

I feel ready, in a sense that I am also .. anticipating it. It's like I know I'm going to do it - it's just a matter of doing it.

Funnily, I have two facebook accounts - humourous.

It's the photos man, the photos. Do I want to save them all??.. Mmm.. not quite. I saved one today - I will insert it at the end of this. But how many more? I don't necessarily want baggage, or give agency to photos, although I do appreciate them, and do continue to take photos. I guess I am just looking for sincerity in documentation. Not nervousness, or insecurity.

I'm not necessarily worried about being forgotten or found. I don't want fakeness to distract clear and honest interactions.

And also - isn't it strange how when we die our Facebook is still up? A friend said it is like a cyber-graveyard. But I don't want it up when I die.

You can come into my room, and open up my journals and diaries, please - go on ahead. But don't click on me from the inquisitive one way channel of your bedroom. I really don't have beef, and maybe I'm protecting myself from me in the end.

Look at this - I'm hesitating.

Here is the photo, : )

Going

I definitely have a personality that likes to put blame on other people. Meaning, I don't want to be doing anything wrong, so when I do do something wrong - I put it on others. What is this? De-ferrance? Reappropo-... Repositorizatoriation?

It's not necessarily accepting the air, the world, the environment, the you, the I  - as is. It's saying what it's not. Mmm.. negative.

I am sitting on my couch. I have plans to go to costco today. I would love having a car on these days. I have not bused by myself to costco yet. I've been here two years. It's not so drastic. I am making up excuses as to why I'm not prepared to do this today. Don't worry Kim - you do run on your time.

I'm going to get some protein and put some back into Mareena's protein bin. Lol - in debt.

It's been nice. For the majority of Mareena having been to Whistler, Shaun has stayed over.

Wednesday I wanted to go biking, but then didn't. And so I was kicking my butt in, and I said, okay - Thursday you prep, and Friday at 5am you bike to crystal crescent. Shaun comes in on Thursday being like - let's bike to Crystal Crescent. I tell him my plans, and after some feeling things out and through, we say that Friday morning we'll go.

We sleep in past 5 on Friday, because of many reasons, but for many benefits. Having had received a good rest, having had biked in the sun, and me having had gone through the Rotary before Shaun - it was for the best. For I wanted to go out into the wee hours of the morning to avoid the cars in the rotary, so I would sacrifice a chance for me to overcome my fear of me on the road with cars. Anyways, it turned out great. I felt very proud going up the hill. I stopped the bike and looked back to Shaun smiling. I didn't say. But my smile and my breathes were very much proud and happy. We continued along.

For the bike trip - I pretty much have biking to crystal crescent and back twice a day as my daily distance. 120 km. So - I will like to do this a bit - really. At least a couple of times.

I have goals, and I feel nervous because I believe I will fail these goals. It's taking me a lot of time to get out to the bus stop. I want to take the 7. FACK

WE'LL DO IT LIVE

Update on Bicycle.

First of all, play this: http://youtu.be/SqlEuvJShbc

Then.

I got fitted for my bike today, seems like by May 4th or something, I will be able to buy it. 

This is my route so far:

NS

• Halifax - Oxford - 165
• Oxford - Moncton - 101

NB

• Moncton - Fredericton - 180
• Fredericton - Woodstock - 105
• Woodstock - Grandfalls - 109
• Grandfalls - Edmunston - 64
• Edmunston - Riviere-du-loop - 121

QC

• Riviere-du-loop - Beaumont - 170
• Beaumont - Trois Rivieres - 153
• Trois Rivieres - Repentigny - 107
• Repentigny - Montebello - 137
• Montebello - Ottawa - 84

ON

• Ottawa - Perth - 88
• Perth - Peterborough - 190
• Peterborough - Toronto - 142
• Toronto - Milton - 54
• Milton - Bradford - 87
• Bradford - Wasaga Beach - 78
• Wasaga Beach - Port Severn - 52
• Port Severn - Parry Sound - 77
• Parry Sound - Sudbury - 163
• Sudbury - Espanola - 72
• Espanola - Blind River - 98
• Blind River - Sault Ste. Marie - 144
• Sault Ste. Marie - Lake Superior Provincial Park - 161 (No town, just camping out in trees)
• Lake Superior Provincial Park - White River - 154
• White River - Terrace Bay - 167
• Terrace Bay - Red Rock - 123
• Red Rock - Thunder Bay - 116
• Thunder Bay - Upsala - 143 (Not a town, but a dirt square)
• Upsala - Ignace - 104
• Ignace - Dryden - 107
• Dryden - Kenora - 138
• Kenora - RIcher - 151

MB

• Richer - Winnipeg - 60
• Winnipeg - Lake Winnipeg - 77
• Lake Winnipeg - Winnipeg - 77
• Winnipeg - Portage La Prairie - 86
• Portage La Prairie - Brandon - 127
• Brandon - Moosomin - 141

SK

• Moosomin - Grenfell - 99
• Grenfell - Regina - 125
• Regina - ....

It's either me going up to Edmonton (Julian) then to trickle down to Calgary (Godmother), or for me to go to Calgary then Edmonton then Haida Gwaii then down to Vancouver (Shane/Shaun). It's all still up in the air.

I can actually get my bike this weekend. I'm going to read my horoscope, and then see further. Then I will finish off tonight with some reading.

God bless.

I just got and am currently getting my first scare. I want to cry. I saw someone biking from Port today, and I thought it was Shaun, and my heart skipped a beat in happiness, and then it wasn't, and thenI thought how cute he is biking, and then I became sad, because all he will be someday soon is a distant memory. I won't be able to see him, but I will have him on my mind.

 had a nightmare today. But it didn't truly feel like one. All the animals in Thailand, in the jungle were out to kill me. What to expect when expecting. My body and sleep is fucked. I emailed Mary telling her how much shame I have for not handing in my essay yet, and if i can hand it in by Friday. I don't want to let myself start thinking in certain ways. I can't think that this essay is impossible, or that it sucks even more that I'm handing it in past the last day of school. It's just that - somethings need to be dealt with clarity. My essay is one of them. This bike trip is one of them. And Shaun is another big one.  I'm still learning how to handle the things that I chose. I didn't choose the essay, but I do like its ideas, it's just it as a thing to accomplish becomes - freaky. Mmm, seven pages is quite lame and nothing. All it is is writing out the thoughts that I've got in my brain. I can do that one day and edit another. Same with that other paper of mine. It will be a depersonalized experience.

I didn't choose to like Shaun per se, but I did choose too also. You like what you like. He has shown me many things, now it's up to me to see those things in the world myself. But anyways, it's not yet June. May is going to be awesome. I cannot even comprehend how many acres below the surface my heart will plumet. But hopefully not that far. I'm thinking I start biking on June First? Maybe not? Maybe? How does that sound? The day that my sweet leaves, I start the bike trip. Or one day before? Or one day after? Maybe I can leave on my birthday?

My birthday one sounds nice. That way I don't have to comprehend much about him having left and be on the plane. He will be on the plane three days into my excursion. And I can phone him here and there. Muahahaha. Is this a good idea?

I feel like asking Marley - how do you handle heart break if you know it's coming? Surely there must be an advantage in knowing some things, in being aware of their existence.

But this summer will be good. I can forecast the emotional weather of crying both for joy and sorrow. But, be prepared my fellow campers, because there will be some fierce sunny skies ahead - so it's a matter of opening yourself in midst of an unlovely yet necessary experience (essay/Shaun) in order to appreciate what good things you have before you. I can sulk on the trip too much, because the trip in itself is quite gunna be fucking awesome. Focusing on breathes and not knowing what else may happen will be cool. I'll just plan my route, that's the only thing that gets me nervous, (lol, if I end up in Maine.) And then for this essay, in a couple of hours I will start and finish my drawing assignment. And then that will be it for other assignments. So Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and Friday - I mean - that's a lot of days for me to focus on my essay, and I don't even need to pull any all nighter. And it's worth doing if Mary will accept it. We will see what to do next in her reply. And Kudos Kim for emailing her, it takes a lot of guts to do something you don't want to do. Feminism is an awesome thing - hopefully it protects me on this journey.

Sometimes, I just need to write shit out. For my bike trip - although I have a sketchbook, having some thin writing pages would be nice too - so I'll make a notebook also. Mm.?

love - good night. I hope you feel better too

Missed Connections

With this bike trip as a goal coming up - I've been reconceptualizing things for me to do - so that I do them in order to get tastes, or train myself for what's to come. Last night, I went out by myself to Point Pleasant park. For the last week I have been taking my bike out here and there, and I've biked to Point Pleasant each time. I've always stopped at the first bit of land right after the beach. There's a mini hill there, and I will just stand a top there. A mini victory. Always looking down into the darkness further in the park, I refrain from continuing onwards. There's sure to be an answer to my paranoia, that someone will be there, and I think of ways to escape. With my hands? With my bike? Are you ready Kim?

Last night I'm sitting in my livingroom, and I ask Marena how was her critique and stuff, but she answers with good. Just one word - so I guess no need to continue talking? Ok. I can entertain myself, and I have been. I've been picking up the guitar, and reading a book. I haven't been writing an essay, but that will come. I've been doing things that I want to do - and I can't help it. When she goes to bed, she reminds me of the market when she asks, "did you want me to wake you up for the market tomorrow?" Shit yeah - I always forget, but I say maybe. I will leave my door open for it, for tonight I will be at Point Pleasant, and depending on how long it takes to burn my stuff, I don't know how long I'll be out. She's discouraging, saying it's snowing and raining, and that what if the police come. Dear god. It's like lighting a match in a forest, and the paranoia is so unnecessary.

I'd like to clear some thing up here. Or to reaffirm it - I don't hang out with her because she's not adventerous. One day walking home, she didn't want to climb over a fence. So we went the long way around. Shaun, when him and I went to watch Batman - instead of walking around this parking lot to reach the road, we climb up the cement wall. His tiny skinny body, carrying this ridiculously heavy duffle bag. I'm going to cry, he's so fucking __________  (wonderful?).

Why does it bother me? Shaun asked last night if I was alone, and I said yes. He was surprised, he thought Marena or Marley or Woo would be there. I denied all of that! Marley and Woo? This is a me meditation. And then I told him Marena's reaction about police and everything. It's like Shane before thinking Marena got me smoking weed, and it's like - bitch please.

But then again, I did get the same snow boots as she did. So whatever Kim.

It was nice last night. Before I was thinking that I should buy a pack of smokes - or at least it's a perfect time to do so. But then, what with all the smoke I was inhaling, I saw that I've already got my pack beside me.

Shaun called me last night - we're pre-missing each other. He leaves June 1st I guess. Yep - I am happy that I have what plans I do for the summer. No school, just bike. Bike around with my buddy. And get prepared to be without him, and on my own. Then be on my own.

In one week, I guess I'll be getting my bike.

I kind of feel like I am already melting - but luckily there is a future. It's not without hope. You know. Which is a nice change. We've known this for a long time. Best leave it as is.

Anyways, I'll be missin ya.

Solo you live once

Mmm, Marley had asked me earlier today, "Can I come?" when I told him about my bike trip.


You know what - before when I thought that Shaun wouldn't come, I was thinking - who - who else.. and I did think Marley. But that would mean - a lot of stuff. We would probably end up having sex. Hmm.

And so. Here we are.

He's not fully committed to the idea, but he is serious at it being an option. Which I so fully understand. I mean - I have words and ideas and inspirations pop outta me at any given moment - so - as moments do pass by - sometimes my words don't last as the seconds tick. So Marley - please yes, think about it.

Um, this would become a great deal of an experience. I've only hung out with Marley once - but, there is definitely a connection. Which - I'm.. being careful about - because it is so physical/sexual whatever (biased from astrological readings). Hmm. Lemme go by what I know.

I find him attractive. And he smiles to me, which ups the ante. So there's a general - digging the other - which occurs. And of course, I'm unshure.

Shaun and I  - fuck, he is wonderful. And - it's just knowing (which may be slightly impossible/is impossible) to ever truly know. So, there's no reason for me to even pose my last of future committment and whatever, but anyways.. In this moment, my present moment is being manipulated by my projected expectations of the future. So, I'm not in the most - present - moods. I guess.

Or maybe I am presently here. anyways yeah.

Ah, I approached him after he came up to the studio in which I was painting. When he came he chilled there for a bit, Nicole him and I spoke for a while - about the bike trip. and other stuf. I'm fairly ego-centric, especially right now because I'm super excited. And - then as quick as he came he exits and goes down. Nicole and I talk afterwards, "do you think he'll actually go with you for the bike trip?" I saw - I dunno. I tell a first experience I've had with Marley's plannings, and it went with him proposing - then retracting his proposal - then me approaching him to see if it was still plausible - then him saying yes - just wait - then after waiting him saying no - then after me going, him saying - go here - i say, show and I'll follow - and then he shows, and I'm there buying a pack of smokes, and finally, FINALLY, he goes - Oh, I'll split that pack of smokes with you.

So it's like - he's not committed to what he says, he's interested in the opposing player's reactions. And I don't fully understand why right now. but, it's that. He.. I guess... wants to feel wanted, maybe, wants to feel in control. Or maybe - to feel higher up. Or.. likes, watching others be dissappointed?

I'm unshure. Which is why I'm hesitant over him coming with me on this trip. Meaning, he definitely has me pumped for him to come - he's a cool guy, really. I'm interested in getting to know him, and potentially maybe .. well who knows. but.. it's like - where the "game" ends, and where the real experience begins. Yeah. like everything and nothing is a game and an experience - but.. I dunno. Maybe with his inability to stick to his words all the way through - it makes me - more independant.

I guess.

I went over to Port before I came home to tell Shaun what Marley had proposed. Fuck, this is all so fresh, like - so fresh it might as well not exist. I'm going to hang out with Marley (maybe) tomorrow - so. I told Shaun and he said when he went on his bike trip, this girl Amelia was like, "Oh, I'll go with you!" He was cool with it, but then again also not because he wanted to not have it be a romantic thing. It's people - biking across Canada -for themselves, yet with each other. Before the trip, months before, they had a walk with the other and before Shaun even said it, Amelia was like, "so I'm not gunna go." And Shaun said that that was wise. Anyways, Amelia is totally attracted to Shaun. So of course, and I do this too, we include ourselves in the others plans so that we have time to be with them and for them to like us. I get it. And fuck, Shaun is so beautiful, I definitely get it.

I don't know where Marley's coming from.
I don't know where I will be with Shaun if Marley does come.

If Shaun and I end - then I can do whatever.
Out of a - ahhh.. I can't even really comprehend right now what it would feel like if Shaun and I were to decide - hey, so it was a good run. let's not kiss any more and such. I don't know how I will/would feel about that when/if it comes.
If Shaun and I decide to stick it out - somehow, I dunno. Like, we're still dating??? but I'm biking to BC to visit him?? I dunno - then yeah, for shure man! I will not fucking touch anyone, you know. But like, hmm.

There
s no w
ay in
telling.

So. I'll leave it at this.

I'm gunna pluck the guitar a bit. It's about time.

Mareena's interesting. Same with Marley. Both consumed in their moods so as not to let people know that they're just having a day. Well, Mareena does. And Marley did. Anyways... interesting.

Fuck it.

You are the only one who has constantly had your heart beat felt. Love it.

I am going to bike across Canada.
I am going to bike across Canada.
I am going to bike across Canada.
I am going to bike across Canada.
I am going to bike.
I am going to bike.
I am biking.
I am biking across Canada.

I'm going to bike to Milton.

Or even Manitoba.

Or even Alberta.

Or even - BC

Seriously?

I'm getting to become so anxious. I want something else to possess me. A goal, a purpose. A dvine inspiration. I kind of just want nothing to do that will get me stressed - which is everything.

Another large essay is due tomorrow for my FEMAHIS class - haven't even started the research for it.

Can I do it in one week? Nope.

FUCK

How do I address all the realities that I want to.

Of course other people have to go on and live their lives and shit - but damnit, of course the separation will hurt too.

These are my worries.

Essays that are not adored
Friends that are forgotten.

Holy shit, I can almost smell the distance between us. That air is thick.

Your lease is up on June 1st.

Mm. I don't know if I'm over reacting. Or what is over reacting? I am reacting. There's not an under, nor an over. Because there's not a proper.

But, to be honest.. my grip is what I'm conscious of. Relax the grip, and things will come and go, and every touch will be a blessing.

I almost cried yesterday. Because when you closed your eyes your body leaned over to me. I thought it was beautiful to watch a body react to another body. I thought it beautiful to see bodies communicate and react to another. The tears in my eyes - I keep on telling myself it's too early to cry.

I can see me biking out really really far this summer, so full of hurt and emptiness. MY COMPANION - gone. I am at my destination. And my heart and breathe is empty, my legs hurt, the sun burns. It is both nice, and empty. I am screaming and yelling at you into the phone. I can't talk to you anymore! You need to come here! I am demanding. And I know that nothing can be received. What am I demanding?

Do I want the universe to deliver? To Deliver what? you? Or what you represented? Or what you gave?

Welcome to my insanities and anxieties.

"Houston - it seems like we're running out of air."
"We know. We know."
"Maybe we'll be seeing you."

Curing slowly

In the last week I've done shit all to feed myself well. And then the week prior, I hadn't gone and done some good grocery shopping. I dropped 70 bucks tonight on groceries, and fuck it felt fine. But i haven't made anything yet. partly because I want to go to bed. I just want to have my shit in order and get in control, you know.

I wish there was time to both be fucked up and not, to both have long nails and bite them. To sit and lay down and do nothing, but to also bike very far, run for fun, go to yoga. I would first like to ask for time to fix my bike. Or have me decided whether or whether not to pay the money to get it fixed.

My mind just drifted off to homework assignments.

I have this memory, of Olivia and I sitting in the grass beside Cornwall road near Chelsea's house one spring/summer. She had her bike, and I had mine. That's nice. To have a bike, and to have more space to bike. I like being alone on the road with the pedals. I'm off dreaming now. I've bitten my nails off completely now.

Maybe I will shower, and then go to bed. I need money for laundry in the morning. I will go to Uncommon Grounds and buy coffee in the early morning. I might spike it with some Baileys, that'd be nice. I'll definitely pop a dexi though, then get my package from the post office. My mom got me a bunch of mangoes and chocolate and stuff.

I'll prep food for the morning - then yum - I'll just get started and done. It's always so tricky though - where to, where to do the homework. Oh yah, it's Wednesday. I've really finished all my finger nails off.

My nose hurts. I'll down my camomille. Go to the Starbucks on Barrington. Then I'll head over to the Port - I don't know why. What is there? And then head over to Granville. Will I want to have an all nighter there? Mmm, I didn't like those, not at all.

So we'll see.

Okay, best of luck to us all. Enjoy your time as it is. In all of its mundanities.

Kim is twenty one. Another Thursday night, but the only Thursday March 21st 2013 that I will experience.

My eyes are burning. my back is sore. Check out this painting I did of my face. It took - 3 or four hours. Which is ridiculous. Because she (my instructor) wanted us to stop at two hours. I couldn't. It doesn't matter. I'm going to say that with the pills that's why it took me longer. But I kind of like it right now. Here it is:

It's cute eh.

I mean, it's still fucked up in some ways. I'm going to go back tomorrow after class and fix it. I don't want my tolerance for Dexi to go up, but i want to take it.

I like clenching my jaw. Do other people still do it when they take it? My jaw moves like I'm chewing gum.

First thing I did this morning was brush my teeth, and have some water. I made a smoothie, and had some sips, then toke a dexi. I then finished my smoothie, and had a large cup of black tea, and - more water. I didn't want to not eat today. By 1230, I bought a mini pizza and had that. I bought coffee, but I drank that seven hours later. I had some apples and strawberries, before my one o clock class. Whenever I would get up from crouching my head would become light headed. Fuck that. But I organized and cleaned, and did some extra paint things. I'm going to try and not fuss around with my jaw anymore. but it's difficult, because I'm slightly chewing my tongue, putting it to the roof of my mouth. I can't stop. Or maybe I can. Maybe. Hmm.

I bought a pack of cigarettes coming home. It was 1230 when I walked into my house. That's being at school from 1030 to 1200. Mhmm.

I got to talk to Shaun for a bit. I messaged Marena asking her if she had seen my water bottle 0 negatory. Then I asked Shaun and he said he had seen it! I had left it in his stone carving room. I don't know if he brought it home, or if it was left in that room - but he dropped it off to me during class.

It's been such a weird day. Shaun wasn't feeling comfortable, and that wasn't make me feel good. He said his class and me don't trust him. I asked him how he thinks I don't trust him. Meh. Is this shit worth writing down, really?

When I was buying my pizza lunch, he texted me saying that he'd drop off my water bottle to me if I wanted to. Why is he bothering making any plans with me? It made me both sad and hopeful. Then feeling unshure of when he could come if he did. It's not a big deal, but then it is.

We were gunna go for a walk today. But I wanted to finish my painting, so I delayed and stayed at school for two more hours than planned. And then it was late, like it was eleven thirty, and I didn't have the energy to talk and express. No will power to do it. So I was thinking or going to ask him if we could post pone. But then he postponed before me. He needs to call his mom because of some family issues.

It's interesting how the same mask can cover different faces. Which layer do you pa y attention to? So he cancelled again, but with reason. I'm just goig to believe him. A part in me takes it personally and thinks he made up a lie. But nah, I don't think that is it.

It feels pointless. In these moods, all I want to do is do nothing. Not a damn thing. My involvement goes lower, because I just keep on getting progressively sadder I guess. One day I will lighten up, that's for shure.

But if I can be out going for long periods of time, I can shure as hell feel sad for a while. And voila.

I need to do some shit tomorrow. Tomorrow we're talking. I'm excited, in a - "finally!" sorta way. By no means am I bouncing up and down. Here I am, with my hopes up. I just feel like it's failed before any attempt.

I told my Dad before, that I would try to bond and express love with him, but he would say something and it's like sticking out my hand and it's slapped, so I never want to stick out my hand again. This is my Dad. I was saying that it affects me so much that I don't retry. This scenario was me making dinner for him. I wanted to put tomatoes on the dish, but he said no because he didn't like tomatoes. And I was being selfish,  YOU WILL IKE WHAT IGIVE YOU , BECAUSE IT IS I WHO IS GIVING IT TO YOU. I didn't want to adjust myself to another person. But this is where I am inconsiderate of his autonomy, and most definite right to have and to have not tomatoes. He told me, what if if he made me steak, would I have to eat it? And I said, that is different, because steak is bad, and tomatoes are good. Well guess what, I fucking hope I've learned from that. Let's see:

I picture me walking around near the train tracks tomorrow with Shaun and I'll be crying to him. He will stand away from me, and the space will hurt me so much. He will not know how to hold me when I am crying. Hell, maybe he will end up holding me, hugging my shoulders with his cheek  on the top of my head. He will say some thing that's suppose to be reassuring. But I won't believe him. I really don't trust him right now.

Who is he. Really? And who the fuck am I in relation to him?? Will he think that I'm fucking insane for being so emotional about things that he might think  shouldn't be affecting me so much.

I'm expecting to get hurt. To feel it make an impression on my chest, right in the center. My head will look down, because I will feel like no one can hear what I am saying. Do they understand that I am feeling? I am expecting to have my guard up. I'm expecting to yell, to get angry, to get sad, to feel guilty, and let's not forget - fear. A lot of fear.

At some point, I might even think, well, I'm done doing whatever. No more drive or momentum. I just want to not be, essentially.

It could be good.

I wrote in Marena's journal today. We were in this lecture hall filled with people there to hear an artist talk. I didn't bring anything to write in or distract myelf, but she had her journal, so she let me doodle in it as she doodled for her homework. I didn't doodle any images, except words. I wrote down:

-How what means everything/the universe is different for everyone.
-The golden rule. Do we give what  we want to give in consideration to our personal interests, or do we give what the other person is interested in?

I wrote some other things, but then I switched to something like if it was my journal, what I would be saying. It wasn't super personal, but it was, but it was also analytical?

-It's hard opening up to people, and feeling vulnerable and exposed.
-I don't know who to cry to
-I think it was Chelsea who before said to me, "Kim! I don't know how you are feeling because you do not open up to me! You're closed off."  Something like that.
-I'm scared of getting hurt a lot.

Then I wrote down, "This is how you are amazing." And I said that I like how she keeps her word when making plans, commitments and goals. I like that she shares. I told her that sometimes I don't want to hurt her feelings, but some times I don't want to receive what she's giving because I simply just don't want it, but she gets frustrated. The same thing with me and my Dad. But I reassured to her that it was fine. And then I said, don't feel like you have to give to be nice, or make people like you, or something, then I said that I need to follow that as my own advice. Because givers can be taken advantaged of. So be careful, and be safe. Next I said how I am sorry if i had hurt her from distancing myself form her, when she needed companionship. I said that although I do appreciate her trigger like reactions, some situations are better off if reactions aren't spontaneous. So walls are needed at times. I told her that me being a sensitive person and scared of getting hurt, with my stubborn mind, I have decided that there are some things that I shan't tell her because I am afraid of getting hurt. Because of this lack of a wall.

I continue with me and my story about Chelsea's critique on my closed nature. I say that it is because I am very scared of getting hurt. Who isn't! It fucking sucks. But this fear, is crazy. It makes me ask questions for others, just so I know them more. But then the tables are unbalanced, because, will they listen to me? Will they receive me well? So I opened up to her via writing in her journal. It felt good. I heart dexi. lol.

Now with Shaun. I feel deflated. I want to love him, but my arms are tired. I can't even lift them to give him a hug. Oh, the support is gone? How do I come to understand this? Maybe I'm just saving my energy for tomorrow.

So I had two dexi today. Damn. One at 930, and another at 230? I was dancing while I was painting the model in class. It was fun. In my head I imagined that she thought I was attractive and that we could become lesbians with each other. She looks righteous. Raised eyebrows, pierced middle bottom lip, thick body, styled eyebrows. Mhmm, yes. And it seems like she was very cool with me painting her. Or at least this is me taking all things in personally, in a positive way today. I really am happy with my self portrait up top.

Do I feel settled now? This had been almost an hours worth of writing. - Sweet. If only I could apply this to my essay. Muahaha. Fuck.

Good night

p.s. Do I look high in that self portrait? I figured and was self conscious with the idea of them being able to tell that I was fucked up.

MEHG, what's the difference.

Love (doesn't mean the same between people.)

Getting angry when I don't want to. And I think my mind is telling me emotions to shut up. And my emotions are being like, fuck off mind. I'm going to get angry.

AH! I am frustrated. And I'm releasing it on someone. I don't like being angry or frustrated at them, because I like them a lot. I've told them why I'm feeling like such. And they have said sorry. And it's in the past, and it's happened. There' no reason to feel sorry, or to say sorry. But me even saying that is like - there's no reason to feel angry, but then I am. Not at them, but at how I have been delayed. How there's no one to truly blame. Even if they did let me know, it's not like the situation I am in right now would be different. It's not like their actions would change. The outcome would have still been the same. I think it's just not getting left in the dark, is what I am getting at. If you're not going to show up, let me know. Let me fucking know. And I've left people in the dark too - so I'm just getting what I dish out.

Oh man. I just want things to start happening.

I'm going to obviously go to bed right now. maybe it's not obvious, because it's only obvious to when I'm writing this, but since this will be read in the future.. I guess - whatever. Fuck fuck fuck it all.

I just want to focus on things that are dependable. And that is me doing well in school, and not sacrificing my success in school, on people who don't give a shit about it enough to text me. but it's not like they knew.

God damn fucking damnit
 Good night.

" So I don't wanna be in there, and I left. "

Weird mornings.
Weird nights, deserve weird mornings.

If you want me, come and get me. If I want you, I'll come and get you. Push and pull and get out of my way, the elastic between us might snap because of this tension.

You feel good. Soft rubber, creates powder, against the flesh of my skin.

Who will win. Is it a game? Loss the game.

Oh baby, I know your name. How they call, where your sweet stuff is. Lemme play my tounge in your ear and tell you how't'iz.

I've been looking up on the internet, seeings what's what, and all of a sudden, I saw your video, you got it going on. Playing that song, singing with that voice. I could make love to your, singing back, mating call. just appreciation for them vocal calls.

Currently listening to James Joyce Ulyssess online - free stream.

Only after washing the dishes and scrubbing the pot which I burned, and going outside and having a smoke, and drinking a cup and a bit of wine - am I starting to feel better. More productive, or proactive.

I don't even know if I have time to write. "have time".

I'm cooking onions, and dreaming of spare time. Free time. no school time. It's always a jungle. What's the point in being in Halifax, and paying for rent, if I am not in school? But all I want to do is produce, but not always in school. It's so contrived. Everything is. "It's so contrived". Omg, can you hear me.

I'm going to read some FEMAHIS, I SWEAR, after I eat a bit. After I drink a bit. But most of all, after I sit outside and smoke a cigarette, and write out my drawing class ideas. Tomorrow, I would like to have produced a book that I will use for one of the assignments. It will be on going, so that will be cool. A "sketchbook" idea I guess.

A collection of drawings, but with prints. But how thick? How much will I fill? Not a lot. Only some.

My assignment I just handed in - sucked. I mean, sure it had some good things, but no effort. It had 3/5 of the effort necessary. Which is why I'm going to write out the ideas that I had for the class - in about twenty minutes.

The whole world is fucked.

There's not enough me to be separate, or to give enough attention to different peoples and things and myself, and tasks, and moods, and nothing. Less is more, truly.

I felt like grieving a bit for Dean a couple days ago. After I had first heard of his intentions. But then I stopped myself, and questioned why. Why do I feel like I need to/or should grieve. What is grieving? I live the loss of Mike, empathetically, theoretically, and metaphorically, or whatever word that fits, but imagining Olivia dead. That's a bit .. heavy. The feeling. The imagination. Oh my gosh, maybe I can draw it out as one of my assignments. (AH!) While she was here she was talking, and then in captions to what she was saying, my way of understanding was imagining her dead. And then it was like... holding back that imagination because I started to feel heavy in my chest.

And then I'm wondering my validity of being sad about Dean. There are many variables, filters in this.. topic. The concept of death. Of potentially forever not seeing again a person. A special person. A loss of interaction. A dependancy on memory. A sacredness. A faith. A many things that I dare not get into, because I don't even know, and I got onions on the stove. Fuck, I'm just making excuses because I do not know.

I feel proud, and like a loud mouth. Because walking home today I bumped into two kids from school, and being all present in this interaction, confident, or wanting to make an impression, I use the only great story I've learned of in the recent past, and I say, "a friend of a friend knelt down in front of a train." I feel guilty for saying it. Because it might be insensitive. But it's something that I'm not acknowledging perhaps because I'm in school. There's still routine there. Which, ever more so now seems mundane. This reality, the Dean reality, as a concept, flutters into my own, and others, for shure. And it's something that can't be not acknowledged. Sometimes, things can't be swept under the rug.

So the thing at hand is I guess - how to combine. Genuinely.

For instance, in order for me to hang out with friends and still go to school, is to draw my friends for my school assignments. And do it all well. It's not necessarily spreading oneself thin, it's more like using things to compliment each other. Or at least, this is how I see it.

So how do I compliment the plurality of realities that are fluctuating into this routine of mine.

Life, the process of balancing.

Do I feed off of this drama?

While peeing an hour ago, I was wondering - why do I hang out with Shaun? Do I really love him? Why am I with certain people? Is it because it is what is near and opportune? Is it merely because I'd rather not be with out them? So it's in comparison of what I do not want to be, that I "want" what is here. Is this.. calculated happiness? Then what is true happiness? What is true joy? Or are these concepts in themselves.. debatable. Well yeah. Fuck. Do I want to have a best friend, because life without a confidant is so frightening, that I better find that best friend and let them know, it's fear of the dark in which I appreciate their light. Is their light fake? Do I project light, ('light') onto people? Do we see what we want to see in people?

Life lived through filters.

Shure, it's a richer more enjoyable life spent with certain people, that in the idea of not having what they offer, in whatever it is that they offer - that I do look and search and hold onto them forever more tenaciously. The fear of heights makes me grip more firmly on to the rope from which I dangle.

Enough of these .. analogies.

What is genuine? Seriously, what is genuine? Not an object, but, the idea. What is genuine? What is , what IS, real? Is my life separate from the lives of every one else?

Does genuine exist? Or is everything genuine, and real, in as much as it is unreal.

Maybe it's unreal at how real things can be. Or

Just as everything is happening, it must be. It just.. is.

Being.

Being begin being begin being. I am beginning to be. I am begging to be. I am in the beginning of being. I am being. I be. I be I be I be profin, this will give anyone a headache.

In as much as I do not know what Love is, I know that things are happening that I do not know. And forever reason, maybe it's just that I materially exist, and metaphysically exist, but the currents in this sea/wave/ocean of life do move me. When you move, I move. When you splash, I get hit with specks of water. You cause reactions on to me.

It is never over used, because there's not a limit to it - but I love you. In fear of losing what is so great, I am just always glad to have met you. For you to have made an impression onto me.

My favourite advice from my father, "We'll cross that bridge when we get there."

Right on. Food now.

Lol. Fire alarm went off - and slightly burned the onions. Whatever - didn't want perfection anyways. BECAUSE PERFECTION.. is whenever you're ready to see and accept it.

I'm not going to post this one. But there were some good things that happened today, I guess.

And then some weird ones. How things change when - well, something new is brought up.

I held Marley's hand today. This was the last good thing that happened at school. It was a good hand hold too. I was lying down out on the couch in the lounge, and I was pseudo reading. But also talking with Mike, I'll get onto in a bit. And then when Marley came, I didn't see him but I knew there were two guys who came in from behind me. When I saw the first guy, I didn't know him. But then I saw Marley, and I was like, "Heeeyyy." Or whatever. I was just in the liking of seeing him. I held out my arm, palm up to him. So I was holding my hand out to him while I was saying hey. And then from two or three metres away, he responded back with an equal Hey, and he put his hand in my hand. And then we were holding hands! Hah. I was still in conversation with Mike. And Marley was still talking to his friend. I was facing one way, and Marley the other. But it was truly holding hands. And then it was tapping hands. It reminded me of holding hands with Ken. Just pure love. Emotional, physical love. I love it. I truly do.

I thought initially I wasn't going to post this. Maybe I will, because I feel like by not posting, I would be saying I am ashamed I have held hands with marley. Because it might mean something. Well it does mean something. To me, really. It's comforting.

Mike also, so before all this love, there was a calling for Love. Mike came into the lounge and he was looking for a model drawing session, but he couldn't find it. And he commented on himself being to drunk to do his drawing homework, or to draw a model. He was drunk, long story short, because, I guess, his girlfriend called him last night to tell him that she still loves him. Man. His heart is in such stress and hurt and love. Fuck. I wanted to hold his hand too. But my hand was holding Marley's when he was talking about this, when the two guys came in.

I like feelings. I like people expressing their feelings. It makes me feel comfortable, because nothing too fake is going on around me. Plastic smiles, rehearsed greetings and salutations. I'm sorry, but please, give me some saliva if you're gunna kiss me. I wanna taste the salt from your tears, and smell your existence, and feel how real you are. You have presence, make an impression on me.

You do, you all do, so naturally. Even if you think you don't, I'll perceive you like you are. Anyways.

Yeah man, I judge people. * * I compare people on some level of.. it's crazy, lemme say. But I've also read it in my astrology (defering the responsibility I have over my character, hah.) But it's like, you gotta handle yourself. But then, you also gotta be comfortable enough with yourself to lose yourself. You gotta, be real, and express. Right on. You gotta, not pout to me, or come to me for pity. I'm no vending machine. Do not select E5 to take out a little bit of some, "Awws," and, "That looks good." Mm.

Ratings of Men: ..

naw. I will not go there. Do I need to make a list, it's obvious right? I mean. You go by blood. Then by love. Then by strands of character that have not yet reached the level of family hood, or love-romance. Why am I judging guys right now? Wow. I must feel good.

I'm not going to delete, but I would delete in between these two * * and the above set.

Moving along. I'm tired because I've slept ten hours in the past two nights. I'm going to sleep 6 tonight. Not enough. I'm not going to go to Yoga tomorrow either. I decided that when I made my tea.

All I really wanted to do is write about holding Marley's hand. So unexpectedly. I didn't even know I was signaling for it, you know. I wanted to express my appreciation for Mike coming up to me. But I didn't know how to care for him. But I think I was by just being there. Passive care. Muahaha. And then. I hope I didn't give out a rude amount of information about Mike's situation. I'm self-conscious about the stigma that gemini's have of being gossipers. I do. I do share stories and communicate. Mmm.. so.

I'm going to go to bed now. Thank you for everything.

I've been shouting out prayers lately. I feel like voicing out concentrated thoughts or intentions. Or merely thinking about them does give them some tangible reality later on. Anyways. Good night