Fire is good.

When I came into the livingroom this morning, Marena was there, obviously. Yadda yadda, then she asks 'how was your night last night?" It was good, i replied. We just sat around and chilled. And then she laughed, "Ahaha, having fun just talking and looking at the ground" Something like that. But I think it could also be because in fear of letting her know yesterday that this was just for me, I dummed down the event's potential, I guess. Or at least I introduced it as a place where you could talk and listen with a group and look anywhere, including the floor. But anyways, I thought, 1 for kim. In a way.

I didn't correct her or want to convince her of anything, she's just.. whatever. Now I am off : )

I'm going insane in this house.

What I do not like.

How she called me rude, when I was really trying not to be. Where she doesn't like how I react when she's informing me on something I did wrong - because it reads as I am intimidated by her reactions. That she does not like how I assume that she will always react badly. When she continues to talk about herself - and how the rest of the world is focused on her. How stupid is as stupid does, leaving your mittens tucked in your scarf, and becoming agitated when they fall out, and then saying the universe is against you - is what it fucking is. Leaving your mittens under your scarf, will leave them on the sidewalk.

"I don't mind when women scoff at me and give me angry looks. (After telling about a lady who couldn't focus on driving because she was too busy looking at Marena's legs [fishnetesque stockings in -14 degrees weather.]) I don't like it when men, who don't look like Dads, but if they are Dads have children under my age, look at me. (Because when we were at the side walk, some one turning right looked at her, supposedly.) I asked her if she thought she was vain... she said she thinks about herself a lot. And then I said, but I think about myself a lot. Vain's more like when you think other people are thinking about you.

I am purely not interested in her right now. I can't even bare to want to talk to her. I'm too busy, typing away my dislike for her. I'm not fucking liking having to have to see her every day. And she wants to go on walks and everything. Which is fine, company is good. But, only good company is good company - everything else is an obligation. Because I fear it might be actually rude to say "I just don't want to talk to you right now." Or, "I'm not really interested in walking with you anywhere." Or, "I do not like hearing your opinions." But it's funny, because when I don't ask any questions, she doesn't ask any questions, and just continues to talk about herself. But if I really stop asking questions and responding, because it's purely her talking about how people are looking at her, and how she wants to go into art therapy, because she wants to 'teach people how to do art', and all of this nonsense, that I end up turning into this mean person who wants to show her how dumb she is. Like, really fucking dumb and vain. Which is fine, but I'm fucking stuck with her. I'm not really, like I could move out. So I guess there's no pity for me, but I really do wish that she had other people to go to, that's it. And then, I wish she was a little bit more quiet, and asked more questions. And had interesting things to talk about - or anything outside of her to talk about. Fuck she's not interesting. If she didn't end up having rude intonations in her speech when she was talking to me about things that I had done. I wish that I was rich and didn't have to live with her. I wish she wasn't in my Visual Cultures class. I wish she didn't say she KNEW things, when she would come with me and ask questions herself, when I was asking questions. I wish she didn't come to my drawing class. I wish she would leave me alone at times - but with the atmosphere being fine. Maybe we need another person, but really.. God save them.

I wish she had better jokes. I wish she had better ideas. I wish she wouldn't try to hang out. I wish that we didn't get that movie. I wish that I was able to fucking .. do something. I wish she would take out the trash. I wish that if she had a crate of bad oranges, she wouldn't leave them on the floor, and throw those green fucking soggy bags away.

I feel pathetic for writing this shit out here, but whatever. She fucking thought I was rude last night? Really? And she thinks that it's not a freaky thing to experience her reactions? Are we fucking joking? No wonder her Mom doesn't want her home for the summer. No wonder none of them wanted to help her cut her hair. Because she's a fucking insane high pitched, fucking lame, fucking lame lame lame, bitch. Wow her parent's don't trust her.

She doesn't get to talk to anyone though, and neither do I. It's considered rude if I'm going to see Jake and she's not invited. She always has to come. She always has to come. She always always always always always always has to come.

Hahaha, she asked me about the potatoes I gave away to Julian tonight. Okay, well so I got rid of ALL the perishables in our house before I left for the holidays. So I gave the potatoes away because I didn't want them to have the chance to spoil. When I came back I realized that they could have probably lasted for a while, so I googled it, and I got mixed answers that mostly pointed to them lasting for 3 months - yikes. I had thought of getting another bag to replace them, for Marena when she would return, but that would have been out of fear of her reaction. And I did not know on their freshness expectancy, so I believed to be ignorant, and therefore innocent. Plus I didn't want to pay for a new bag of potatoes because it seemed irrational as then it would substantiate if she thought that I shouldn't have thrown another food item from the fridge out - like her beans or something. Just hypothetical fears were conjuring up in my head.

So any whoo, she called to me when I came home tonight and brought up the potato question of their location. Yes I threw them out, and no she doesn't want me to buy her any more. She wanted to make fries, but the grocery is across the street. I mean, I know what I did, and I hear her complaints of her incapability to indulge in fries tonight, but I don't want to hear her blabber for a long time about these potatoes.

But so it was relieving because I could not segue into me letting her know it bugs me when she wants attention by taking credit for my work. Later on she came to me and clarified that she did not want me to buy the potatoes, (good), and then we broke into conversation about weed and anxiety and her brother and her back and her friend. Then it died, as it always does, and I introduced my topic of conditioning for the night. She knew that interrupting my teacher giving praise to my fucking awesome assignment with, "I HELPED HER PICK THEM OUT!" with no praise and attention given, just silence, she knew what she had done. Zomg, Lorraine's expression became so diluted. It was as if a fly flew and bumped and right against your cheek, expect instead of laughing as a reaction, you just looked at your initial focus of attention and communicate, "well that was strange."

But I had a good day. Because I woke up, and sorta cleared the floor of my room. I took out the recycling and organics waste. I did the dishes 3 times. I had soaked chickpeas for the day, and just now completed my salad, (keeping some aside to make some delicious fucking hummous though!). And did some sketchbook drawings, which from what I understand to be as done incorrectly. And also managed to sew up one of my favourite black pants, from my sewing-to-do box. And watered my plants and shit.

I didn't fold my laundry though, but all the better to keep me warm at night.

Anyways, I hope your day is satisfactory.

I am the one who walked on the moon

My nails are completely gone and bitten.

I did good in drawing class today.

I enjoyed the residual feeling of last night's run with Olivia : )

I forgot to go shopping last night for food, so I'm going to sting it out until next week's Discount Tuesday.

Marena has switched over to my drawing class, which I'm essentially shrugging my shoulders for, you know. Like not too much of anything. It's easy and kind company, but it might limit the ability to frolick and talk to the other people in the class.

On our break today, my photography teacher from last semester came up to me and gave me praise for my photography assignment. She was letting me know how she would like to post them up for a while to show other students in first and graduating years, so that they will be able to see them. This is good timing, and I'm enjoying the praise. Marena bumps in with her words and says, "I helped her pick them out!" Lorraine and I looked at her, then I looked at Lorraine, and then Lorraine looked at me. The atmosphere was one of unnecessary remarks. Lorriane's look was promising though. The problem is the uninvited remark of credit. Yes, I did ask her opinion on the photos, little does she know that I did not follow her advice when it came to me presenting them. It's like, yes, you did carry a part in it, but in no part deserving of praise right now. This is me, and my praise, over my project.

I haven't yet spoken to her about it. She was generally in a good mood today, so I just let it go - but tomorrow, oh ho ho. I'll also tie it into the time when she answered a question that started with, "Kim, how was your experience with Meth?" Because, one pronounces Kim as 'Mah-REE-nah'. Well, whatever eh - we'll get this over like a bandaid on Tuesday. (Not a saying, lol.)

It's the leechy qualities that get me all weirded out. Yet, if she were to focus her attention on some one else, I might potentially get all wanky about it. Like a lack of her attention would be unnormal, so I guess that I would be taken aback. But essentially relieved in some sort of way. IT's called breathing room. And it's not like it's anything TOO MUCH TO FUCKING HANDLE.. because it's not. It's just a precautionary thought. That's why I don't like having classes with Marena, theorectially it hinders me being able to not worry over how I must sit with her and such. In our writing class I have not yet sat with her, and I really like that. Not that I don't like her, it's just having space and talk with different people.

But that 'taking my credit' thing - mmm.. not good. And I am the one to judge.

Anywhoo,

Good night nail biters.

Good things to do . that have been done . that are in thought of being done

Things I did today for myself:

-Sleep 10 hours. Even though I was well rested and initial stirred awake at 7 or 8 am, I still slept until 10 am. I knew I had more dreams in me, so I dreamt onwards.

-Made Curry Rice. With damned beautiful cumin and coriander.

-Made vegetable soup. Really damn fucking salty though. Which is fine, because at least it's not too watery and I can fix it up right fine.. with CURRY RICE

-and then I'm about to read some Reinaldo Arenas.

Right before bed, so swell. And I'm doing this with another book in mind too, after the finish line. Tiger, Tiger: A Memoir is a book similar to Lolita in terms of pedophilia, and I've read neither yet look forward to either. I'd like to acquire both in my possession. Maybe I'll do library rentals, so cute.

Planned Regret, Regret, Potential Regret

My night away came to an end when my roommate forgot her keys to the apartment. Walking home, I was assured that I would get front row seats to her rudeness. She had been sitting out in the hallway for 2 hours, and she was brewing thoughts in her head of how she 'fucked herself over." The show I saw was brief, and mostly silent - I guess the 2 hours definitely killed the heat. : )

But so anyways that is fine. The walk was swift and brief - and I got to adjust my reactive preplanning of actions. If she were to be snarky, I would be snarky back and say how she was acting would be unnecessary. But then, by me being snarky, would I be following my own advice? So I wasn't rude, and she wasn't rude - she just was in a bad mood with herself. Understandable.

But what got me caught off guard tonight was being around this one kid. I'm using distancing language instead of his name because I don't feel comfortable naming him right now. He said goodnight into a non-responsive crowd, but I had heard, so I said goodnight back. I received a blank response. Cool. And then I go to type in a person with the same name as him, and I see his pop up on facebook first. Why not, I'll check it out - no longer a friend.

Which is fine because I had thought of doing it earlier on - but I thought that it would be even more awkward and unnecessary - since I would indefinitely be seeing him again. I don't like it, because I'm reading it, and assuming that I know where we stand now. As awkward and non talking individuals. All casual conversation out the window. But it really doesn't have to be like that - because, by god - I hate awkward conversation, and I look forward to this battle.

I'm not good with confrontations, and I'm not good with being okay with how I've treated some people rudely. Should I pick my battles? Is it a problem worth solving? Is it a problem?

It'd be a good practice in terms of building up my character - but I would be walking into no man's land. Where neither he nor I would understand why we were there, because we weren't friends to begin with. But our friends are friends, and it's not like we hate each other (I don't think) but it's just not nice to have an awkward ora. Interestingly enough, him and I, I believe had a nice chat before the holidays - yet now it's this. Which is fine, it's just unexpected. Do I listen, should I follow it? Or should I bring it up?

Touche.

Anyways, my eyes are tired.

It was nice leaving the apartment, because they were all boys and Olivia : ) And I really enjoy having male friends. Because we're just friends, but I still get to hug them - and that's all I could ever want.

Everyone is kind in their own ways. Some not so much to others, but everyone still has worn the heaviest of grins on their chins : )))). So I feel bad for the bad things I've said to people. As I was walking home I recalled how at one moment I just let myself try and verbally hurt John. I pushed him into the proverbial ground - and now I'm the one who stinks like shit. But he even must slightly believe it. I know he remembers it, and it's in his head - not like I KNOW, but I know that I am half sure, and probably right. I hate being that person right now. At the time, it's fine. Because they deserve it in the moment, and that's how you felt and reacted. But if I knew what I knew now then...

That's a strong point I had for myself to not want to push Mareena into the ground. Because even though she might hypothetically deserve it then, and I might have justifiably feed her back her own shit, in the next year I probably might regret it. Just would have been shameful that I ever wore that mask.

Hmm. K, well my eyes are burning. Good night.

What Ideas do I have any more.

If your family doctor denies you aid, and refers you to essentially go and find some one else - fuck them then. Because, now I'm doing it all home remedy style. If I book an appointment to have some thing accomplished, and I'm told to go else where, then, why in the fuck would I you have me book the appointment the day before. She's speaking about Cancer, Viruses, infections. And now.. I should go and find another person to inquire about me. Fuck that.

Anyways, hopefully this works. I did a little praying last night - which worked for another girl. But for me, we shall see.