My night away came to an end when my roommate forgot her keys to the apartment. Walking home, I was assured that I would get front row seats to her rudeness. She had been sitting out in the hallway for 2 hours, and she was brewing thoughts in her head of how she 'fucked herself over." The show I saw was brief, and mostly silent - I guess the 2 hours definitely killed the heat. : )
But so anyways that is fine. The walk was swift and brief - and I got to adjust my reactive preplanning of actions. If she were to be snarky, I would be snarky back and say how she was acting would be unnecessary. But then, by me being snarky, would I be following my own advice? So I wasn't rude, and she wasn't rude - she just was in a bad mood with herself. Understandable.
But what got me caught off guard tonight was being around this one kid. I'm using distancing language instead of his name because I don't feel comfortable naming him right now. He said goodnight into a non-responsive crowd, but I had heard, so I said goodnight back. I received a blank response. Cool. And then I go to type in a person with the same name as him, and I see his pop up on facebook first. Why not, I'll check it out - no longer a friend.
Which is fine because I had thought of doing it earlier on - but I thought that it would be even more awkward and unnecessary - since I would indefinitely be seeing him again. I don't like it, because I'm reading it, and assuming that I know where we stand now. As awkward and non talking individuals. All casual conversation out the window. But it really doesn't have to be like that - because, by god - I hate awkward conversation, and I look forward to this battle.
I'm not good with confrontations, and I'm not good with being okay with how I've treated some people rudely. Should I pick my battles? Is it a problem worth solving? Is it a problem?
It'd be a good practice in terms of building up my character - but I would be walking into no man's land. Where neither he nor I would understand why we were there, because we weren't friends to begin with. But our friends are friends, and it's not like we hate each other (I don't think) but it's just not nice to have an awkward ora. Interestingly enough, him and I, I believe had a nice chat before the holidays - yet now it's this. Which is fine, it's just unexpected. Do I listen, should I follow it? Or should I bring it up?
Touche.
Anyways, my eyes are tired.
It was nice leaving the apartment, because they were all boys and Olivia : ) And I really enjoy having male friends. Because we're just friends, but I still get to hug them - and that's all I could ever want.
Everyone is kind in their own ways. Some not so much to others, but everyone still has worn the heaviest of grins on their chins : )))). So I feel bad for the bad things I've said to people. As I was walking home I recalled how at one moment I just let myself try and verbally hurt John. I pushed him into the proverbial ground - and now I'm the one who stinks like shit. But he even must slightly believe it. I know he remembers it, and it's in his head - not like I KNOW, but I know that I am half sure, and probably right. I hate being that person right now. At the time, it's fine. Because they deserve it in the moment, and that's how you felt and reacted. But if I knew what I knew now then...
That's a strong point I had for myself to not want to push Mareena into the ground. Because even though she might hypothetically deserve it then, and I might have justifiably feed her back her own shit, in the next year I probably might regret it. Just would have been shameful that I ever wore that mask.
Hmm. K, well my eyes are burning. Good night.
