Slowly

I've become more self-conscious about typing on here. Where, this is a public domain - and not as intimate as I would have thought. But - still - I like it.

Some hidden gem somewhere - in fact - there are many of us lying about.

I've recently enjoyed reading my past posts - they keep me in tact with past moments of feelings and what not. Mainly, I've read the first two-ish let's say I've written on my first encounters with Shaun bud. He's great - and real! Not to say the others were fake - I do not mean to set up this if it's not black, then it must be white - logical dichotomy. My intention is to underline, emphasize, and highlight with a bold ass fuckin marker - that he's real. In an emotional way - in a human way - an idiotic way - all ways. Most ways. A burden and an ease. He's just a guy - and so far we haven't derailed or anything - so I'm gunna take some moments here on congratulating this - it's awesome. Never let the good moments become forgetting in the haze of negativity.

Of course - ask me to write this out last night, and it'd be a whole other diction. I'd probably be suffocating so much - I'd be hopeless.

There are just so many rich and vulnerable moments - that, it becomes scary, and at times too much to bear. When water sips over the sides of the boats, due to the turbulence of the waves and the very nature of you being on a boat and surrounded by them - but you do not sink. It is just that waves do enter in. Like the instance in which your foot renegotiates itself, its balance, atop of ice, in the mis'naturalistic-calculation it makes on touching the slippery sidewalk - but you don't fall - you just look weird and off kilter for a split second. It does make a good imagery, a quick dance of the silly for the onlooker - no different they are from them.

I've gotten really into astrology lately - in a desperate hope of trying to understand the multifaceted nature of Shaun's and mine's relationship. I just got learned of the Vertex, except not fully learned. More like.. 35% there. And it's fascinating. I looked at the Vertex of one of the more significant times of us first hanging out - and it's fucking unreal - a straight up conjunction. Anyways, it's just phenomenal. By means of - mere words saying "look here" and then they are there. Of course, I'm willing to believe in the occult - so they have my bias. I just wonder how it all works - truly. This attachment we have to each other - these metaphysical pseudo-scientific studies, and somehow creating a demi-realm of understanding. All I know is I want security - I don't want to sabotage my future - and I miss him, or more precisely, I want him daily.

I love reading astrology. There are so many questions I have - and it provides this formulaic breakdown on interpretation - but there are so many variances in ways in which one may interpret these readings, or symbols and so on - and it's different across continents. Fascinating shit - nothing uniform. I wonder about the history of astrology.

Sleep for now.

Maybe it was inspired by the way I was looking at you.

Walking across the Commons, you had determination in your steps, and in steps it spelt love. Whatever that meant. And investment, a willingness, a sense of compassion. Your footsteps were the reverberation of someone else's calls. Not to say that you are subservient, or willing.. but you were definitely willing. Definitely there and willing to answer. And so you did. Your tiny steps making loud pronounced call of, "I will be there, I am coming"

Not to say that this was because of a certain person, but because you have a certain aspiration within yourself that wants to be expressed. Like we all do, what with our own personalities and sense of self... you expressed yourself in your decision making.

Why do I write about it? Because I stood there watching you. Proud. So willing. Vulnerable. You were making a large butterfly effect of investments with your tiny steps. Tiny, only because your feet are small. But not tiny in their presence, in their sense of self, in their impression.

Step on, and step forward, into the reality that you desire to create... and in turn which you create.

I love you.

Be well, be safe. Know that you are sturdy and still.. flexible. A tree let's say.

A sturdy tree.

2 4 u

Release your poisons

"We have to get the toxins out to even allow the nutrients to get in...
you can't them in there if they are full of poisons
You can't get two things into one space."





Mmm. I would do this in the mornings before I would start biking; drink water.
The greatest and most memorable and general routine I carried was waking up a bit after the sun had risen. The heat of the morning would start to create a humidity in the upper bit of the tent. Sometimes.

Sometimes it would still be cold, really cold actually. And my first hurdle of the day would be realizing and acting on the fact that if I wanted to soonly as possible release the built up fluid pressure in my bladder - I would first have to pack up my tent. But before I pack up my tent, I must change out of my clothes - into the good old sweetly sweaty biking clothes - the essentials, the lean-on-me's, the original, foundational, and ever so casual, biking clothes. I would have to have my skin be exposed to the cold frigid morning air - less warm than my emergency blanket thin sleeping bag concoction of warmth. Goodbye that phase of time. But before I think of any of this - I say to myself - just fifteen more minutes. So I would lay for five, and realize there's no point in the other ten. Getting up - the stark air would shock the warm chest - dank cold sweat from the night still lingering on my bra - and I put it on. Greatly goodness - let it sink in. And somehow, I liked it. I really liked it.

Not finding a place to piss for about another forty five minutes after my mind first rose - you betchya, I can hold it in. I have been fully trained - in this method of contained expansion - it is not the bladder that bursts, but your will to control it. Heh.

*25 years later, Kim would develop a condition.

Let it so be!

I bought a chin-up bar today, and I did a few meager ones, here and there - any ways! There was some effort! Hah! It looks really silly - but it makes me look tough, lmao. To myself.

Furthermore I'm deleting my other facebook account again. I did it on Monday. I know - epic. Many things trigger it - it's just a temptation for me to act on my insecurities and on my evils. Does more harm than good I say. Uncomfortable. I tried to figure out how to hack facebook accounts - not successful - because I didn't try it fully - I didn't want to resort to plan B of actually.. trying. Who knows though if that method would work too - in  any case - so much full of shame - deleted. Gone. I do not want those thoughts in my head - so why tempt myself? Why train myself to behave in those ways and think in those ways. Toxins to the brain. A disruption of focus.

I'm fishing for other things to write - but I'll leave with this:

Explore Program, 2012
Dana and I juggling

Trying to not have vain regrets - and making that glimmer of a silver lining grow.