To the fucking horoscope of explanations.

After spending so many nights, late nights, fulfilling tasks and jobs alike.. my company became my friend. My friendliness, became my gateway; so as to include further, more friends.
After spending so many nights, late nights, with my new co-working friends, I have further more bonded with this, one friend.
We hug good bye now
We'll say hello.
Mamihlapinatapai glues our presence together. It sticks in the room. Oh, our laughter is quite together, funnnnilllyy so.
I don't know or understand who they are to me. How and why they effect me.
I hope this ain't a fantasy.

We spent last night together, first shy, then brave, then divergent, then honest, then cooperative, then giving, then kind. But always kind. Always joking. We each have the same guards, the similiarities are astounding. But the similarities describe the fact that we both lack what we each seek and need. Security is described through neither of our personalities.

I don't know what it is, but last night we hugged. They had said, "Well, I guess I'll say bye and give you a hug now." And so as it was said it was done. Then, unbeknownst to me, they had said, "You're a good hugger." Gah fuck. I was hugging like I didn't want to let go. The first first time we had hugged, I was letting go, but they were still latched on, so I continued to hug, then I would let go, but they were still latched on.. Then I continued to hug.. until.. we both let go. They became really comfortable with me, quickly. I feel honored, I feel responsible, I feel like cherishing. I like taking other people's trust of me, but I am afraid it's difficult for me to share back. Which is in by no means a sharing relationship. Am I comfortable with myself?

After our... third hug (I'm counting hugs), last night, I hadn't hugged a friend like that in a long time. It was a different kind of hug. As it was a hug wherein I did not want to let go, I .. when it came time to let go. I managed to turn my head to the right of their chest, as it was my head nustling into them. It was a love hug. A something hug. I found myself that night turning my head left and right as I was trying and should have been succeeding at falling asleep. All I could do, was continue to feel their sweater on my head. I am .. going .. insane?

You can imagine my surprise, I came onto here to speak of the consistently late nights I had been working at Throwing. And also with the subsequent back pain.. you know, to give you an up to date ness. yet.. I nostalgin' over a hug, no.. through a hug.. over a friend.

They are really nice, and there was a point during our strutt last night, as they were telling their family history.... my heart became real, my eyes became real, I became fueled, saddened and in love, I wanted to nurture the family history, I wanted to meet the brother, and the mother. I wanted to be a part of it, so I could just have them see, through what I see of them, even though I have no met the extend two,.. that they need not feel doomed to forever feel how they feel.

But what am I doing. To the horoscope.

Orange Vomit stained Carpet.

Last night and yesterday was very isolating. TOday I plan on going outside. But yesterday, whoo geeze, I bought some gin at 830, the small bombay gin, and had that with this veggie/fruit juice. Sweet tapioca, that was .. I hate vomiting. I hate it when it' on carpet and it's still there but instead you're writing out this blog. Yesterday I did some 'automatic writing' for 45 minutes, or half an hour, or an hour, I don't really know. But That's the only time I outputted anything yesterday.. well. At 4 I finished and then Dalida and I got to texting. I spoke about 10 words yesterday outloud, more realistically.. I'll give it 20, but really. .. Hi, Bye, Bye, It's nice. I like the crunch...That's it. I tried singing in the shower, it's as if I was fucking Aerial, I couldn't even sing. Wow, it was so silent. I didn't go to History class that day, because the idea of going outside and walking was terrifying. I think it's because of the self-awareness of my size. Man, I had beans two days ago, and then I guess that's why I was gasy for 4 hours yesterday, that on top of me wanting to empty out the fridge by eating remaining food. I wrote it all in the automatic writing. The only plan I had last night that I knew I was.. well, I knew I was gunna be silent the whole day. I knew I was going to not go to school. Even though, I felt kinda bad.. but I couldn't go outside in the daytime. People would see my body, and me. And I didn't know how to dress so I would be invisible. I've got a lot of body, and I can't hide it. But so I wrote about this. My thinking and my typing became synchronized actually. It was quite lovely. Very more fluid. Else wise I'd be looking at the text, at tehw rods appearing, and thinking about the words.. rather than the thinking. But anyways.. I told Dalida, beware, Kim's getting drunk now. I have started the bottle.. and I might finish it tonight. HOly sweet pottatoes, I did. And it's gin. And I had it in three cups. Like.. I mixed the gin with equal parts juice. Oh my, thinking about it right now gets me to want to vomit it up. Ahh, the vomit in the room. I took my longboard out and... wait, before that. Okay, yesterday I watched so many documentaries. THe last one I watched was about natural birth. Now, holy sweetness, it was so beautiful. The connection, the giving into the pain, the sharing of that experience. It felt human, real, animal, genuine. The guy was there beside her, and he knew he couldn't give birth, but he wanted to. He was. They all were. The creation. The, hey, check out what you and I made. THanks for being here, I love you. in ways that four letters can't even fucking describe. I started to cry. Super, just letting it leak out. Super silent too, Marena was asleep. Before this documentary, Sam had already called me, and we did a super quick chat.  Cullen was picking him up, I was offering Sam if he wanted to read the thing I wrote.. He didn't .. well.. he did want to read it, but I thik I was pushing on it too much to hear his looking-forwardness to reading it. I have a bit in it where I'm thinking about him as being my forever sorta mate... Like, I let him know I think about these things, not a lot though, like I feel hypocritical because it's either he can't think we're gunna be together for even one more week.. because one can never know anything, one second to the next.. but here I am.. imagining him around me and I'm fucking givin natural birth. ZOMP (zoh-mah-potatoes). Anyways.. he's like, Cullen's here, I'll talk to ya later, bye, love ya, and I reciprocated, and you could hear Cullen "AWW isn't that cute! Love you too Kim!" That made me laugh and smile so much. That was like my first laugh that day, it's fucking 9 or 10 o clock by then (PM). I sent Sam and text saying "Love you too Cullen!" .. I'm sure he got it. But then, after the birthing video was getting to be too much, I called my Mom out on the balcony and cried and cried and cried, telling her that I was watching a Natural Birth video and I'm so happy and filled with love about Giving birth and babies and getting pregnant, and I love her for it, for having me, for being my mother. I was cryyyyyyy-innnggg. I just let all the tears I've been withholding from existence out. That was a good cry. Man, that was good. Ahh, it just felt like.. like as if you were a sponge filled with so much water and weight, and then it was released from you. It felt so natural, relieving, I felt pourous, like holding in a breathe since forever, and then letting it out. I continued to talk on the phone with my mother, even as I grabbed my longboard, put on my shoes and walked out. I wanted to go out to the South end and board amongst the houses. I was on the board for a bit, but I know I stopped for a bit. I was talking to my mom about my Coloscopy appointment, and she was talking about coming here in October to take me to it. I said, I mean, okay Mom, come if you want, like it's already nice to see you, but I don't need it. But It's nice if I see you. She said to go home, she was encouraging hard as some kid who passed by started to talk to me about my longboard and stuff. How he had a friend.. I dunno. I feel, on my head, like I should have had a concussion. When I woke up today I could feel it in my brain, and I'm thinking about Drew Hildebrand, about a crack in the skull, wondering if I could feel it if it were there. I think.. I feel another time too??..Because I have this wound on my knee. But I can't injure my knee and the back of my head at the same time.. I feel.. so I deduce that it must've been twice. God bless my mother for encouraging me to come home. I tried to go to bed.. but the drunkness was only starting to seep into my blood. I texted Jake if he were awake, because I wanted to expell this drunkardness.. but he didn't reply in time.. so I was trying to put myself to sleep.. but layind down, it got so spinning so quickly. All of a sudden I vomited. And it looked like roange white and pink blobs of HufflePuff cluff. Like.. giant cotton balls that were tri coloured and soaked in my stomach goodness. I don't know where I put that stuff even this morning. I'm freaked out I left it somewhere and didn't flush it or whatever.. in the house. Did I wash my hands? I remember vomiting in my hand.. after filled my hand so quick, it fell to the floor also. Then .. I don't know where the stuff in my hand went.. But I know I tried to move the stuff on the carpet floor too. Picking and scraping it up with my fingers.. putting it in this plastic bag. Ugh. I'm done. That was my day, yesterday... and this is my morning. I had the cereal that I was dreaming about.. and I took a long shower.. almost too warm.. but just standing there.. water has mad healing qualities. I'm delayed going to the costco and everything because.. I vomited on my bag a bit. I'll do laundry when I get home.. I'll search up how to best clean up vomit from carpets via google. I'll have baby clams.. after the search. Bad idea to eat before cleaning up vomit?? Who knows...

This Morning's full Moon was called a "Strawberry Moon"

Yesterday I felt like leaving everything and crawling into darkness, I wanted to feel sad and alone. Marena, and this is fine, we are irrational. I guess.. she wrote on the whiteboard, "IF YOU SHIT FUCKING FLUSH IT" Sam and I hadn't spent much time with her, and she gets apparently all wanky when she hasn't eaten.. she's going raw foodist for a month.. I'm going to stay in the throwing studio for a month.. Sam wanted to talk a walk, we had spent 3 days together non stop ish. Like he arrived Friday night.. and left This morning. So he took a walk last night, and yesterday.. man, Whopper wanted to hang out, but I said it was Sam's last night here, so I'd hang out with Whopper tonight. I found myself alone in my living room.. with my roommate's lingering impulsive words, and Sam's significant absence, and the knowledge that I put Whopper aside for this experience. I had been expecting that people would be generally nice. I had not been though myself. I tend to get hot and cold with Sam. The coldness happens when I don't know who the fuck he is, or why I'm with him, and he does things that I find repulsive. He won't talk, he'll so solitary things, like going on the internet.. playing video games. He'll laugh at something to himself. I have to force conversation, force anything out of him. He came into the throwing studio on Saturday, and he got a slight, but not slight.. he lost his voice.. anxiety attack because he knew that people were listening to him. Holy fuck. You see? It's like.. do you know.. that this makes me feel bad, like you're making me look bad. Fuck. If I can't even have a conversation with you?? Dafuckingfuc. Let's just leave now. Good bye.

But alas.. Marena's on her own agenda.. she locked herself in her room for most of Sam's stay.. eating celery alone... I got a lovely chance at understanding Sam's point of view on the whole.. non-talking ness. You see, when he had gone out for his walk, and I was there alone.. I wanted to call Olivia. soo bad. But I knew I couldn't. Just like I knew I couldn't finish the wine in the fridge, or go out and buy a pack of smokes. I knew no thing of the sort would solve the situation at hand. Sam came back and he wanted to hugggg?? THe fucking no way. A hug. Ahem. I'm sorry honey, you don't fucking leave, and expect love. K? k. So I made him feel uncomfortable, and I was silent. Then we started watching Batman.. and he stopped it part way, and kept on pressing for me to talk. When he first stopped it, I was like.. looking to the wall, to the cieling. No eye contact, space between us on the couch. I just wasn't feeling it. Now, I'm super sensitive, Marena's super sensitive, and Sam's supersensitive, and it's the fucking full moon this morning.. so yah. There's enough give-way and fuel there to just have us all into watering messes of sadness and dependancy. Anyways.. Sam kept on asking what was wrong, and he encouraged me just to say whatever. I usually don't say whatever because I feel it's rude to tell someone what's wrong about them, because you should just whole fuckin hardetly accept them.. but so I did. I spoke of the "I don't like it when you laugh to yourself." I don't really find it cool that you can't converse with me. You finding my question asking as prying.. yes, it fucking is prying.. but it's also trying to get to know who the fuck you are. I like the kid, I do. Just, he is so unlearned at times that I become frustrated because I expect him to get it. Ah, but we're just learning each other.

He's been silent for 16 years, all he does with his friends is sit around them and feel present and therefore included. Mine is, talking or be cast out. Like, you don't have to talk, when you're comfortable and relaxing, and we all know you.. but you do have to talk.. if you're getting panic attacks in a room with other people and there's an exuberant awkwardness that cries from your eyes in pains of socialization.

Anyways, I'm not frustrated right now at him, we're good. This is just frustrating material. I mean, it's like reading a story... it's not like it's present, it's .. just being lived as each word is read. As soon as it's out and done and read.. that's it.

I am actually going to try and spend most of my time outside of the house.

This is what I meant before, and from where I was coming.. I wanted to just be alone and sleep and not eat for forever. But Sam was there.. and it was nice. We cried together, which was fun in some surreal way. I really dislike crying in front of people.. I really dislike any display of sadness and emotions.. well, for me, on me. I don't mind it for others.. But I feel like a bother when I do. No one should ever have to bear my weight.. I'll let the cigarettes and wine do that.




Naww, just joking. Speaking of it really helps, I'll just do that.

Okay, thanks for tuning in. You've been reading Kim's Weekly Passivity. Take care now, bye bye then.