This Morning's full Moon was called a "Strawberry Moon"

Yesterday I felt like leaving everything and crawling into darkness, I wanted to feel sad and alone. Marena, and this is fine, we are irrational. I guess.. she wrote on the whiteboard, "IF YOU SHIT FUCKING FLUSH IT" Sam and I hadn't spent much time with her, and she gets apparently all wanky when she hasn't eaten.. she's going raw foodist for a month.. I'm going to stay in the throwing studio for a month.. Sam wanted to talk a walk, we had spent 3 days together non stop ish. Like he arrived Friday night.. and left This morning. So he took a walk last night, and yesterday.. man, Whopper wanted to hang out, but I said it was Sam's last night here, so I'd hang out with Whopper tonight. I found myself alone in my living room.. with my roommate's lingering impulsive words, and Sam's significant absence, and the knowledge that I put Whopper aside for this experience. I had been expecting that people would be generally nice. I had not been though myself. I tend to get hot and cold with Sam. The coldness happens when I don't know who the fuck he is, or why I'm with him, and he does things that I find repulsive. He won't talk, he'll so solitary things, like going on the internet.. playing video games. He'll laugh at something to himself. I have to force conversation, force anything out of him. He came into the throwing studio on Saturday, and he got a slight, but not slight.. he lost his voice.. anxiety attack because he knew that people were listening to him. Holy fuck. You see? It's like.. do you know.. that this makes me feel bad, like you're making me look bad. Fuck. If I can't even have a conversation with you?? Dafuckingfuc. Let's just leave now. Good bye.

But alas.. Marena's on her own agenda.. she locked herself in her room for most of Sam's stay.. eating celery alone... I got a lovely chance at understanding Sam's point of view on the whole.. non-talking ness. You see, when he had gone out for his walk, and I was there alone.. I wanted to call Olivia. soo bad. But I knew I couldn't. Just like I knew I couldn't finish the wine in the fridge, or go out and buy a pack of smokes. I knew no thing of the sort would solve the situation at hand. Sam came back and he wanted to hugggg?? THe fucking no way. A hug. Ahem. I'm sorry honey, you don't fucking leave, and expect love. K? k. So I made him feel uncomfortable, and I was silent. Then we started watching Batman.. and he stopped it part way, and kept on pressing for me to talk. When he first stopped it, I was like.. looking to the wall, to the cieling. No eye contact, space between us on the couch. I just wasn't feeling it. Now, I'm super sensitive, Marena's super sensitive, and Sam's supersensitive, and it's the fucking full moon this morning.. so yah. There's enough give-way and fuel there to just have us all into watering messes of sadness and dependancy. Anyways.. Sam kept on asking what was wrong, and he encouraged me just to say whatever. I usually don't say whatever because I feel it's rude to tell someone what's wrong about them, because you should just whole fuckin hardetly accept them.. but so I did. I spoke of the "I don't like it when you laugh to yourself." I don't really find it cool that you can't converse with me. You finding my question asking as prying.. yes, it fucking is prying.. but it's also trying to get to know who the fuck you are. I like the kid, I do. Just, he is so unlearned at times that I become frustrated because I expect him to get it. Ah, but we're just learning each other.

He's been silent for 16 years, all he does with his friends is sit around them and feel present and therefore included. Mine is, talking or be cast out. Like, you don't have to talk, when you're comfortable and relaxing, and we all know you.. but you do have to talk.. if you're getting panic attacks in a room with other people and there's an exuberant awkwardness that cries from your eyes in pains of socialization.

Anyways, I'm not frustrated right now at him, we're good. This is just frustrating material. I mean, it's like reading a story... it's not like it's present, it's .. just being lived as each word is read. As soon as it's out and done and read.. that's it.

I am actually going to try and spend most of my time outside of the house.

This is what I meant before, and from where I was coming.. I wanted to just be alone and sleep and not eat for forever. But Sam was there.. and it was nice. We cried together, which was fun in some surreal way. I really dislike crying in front of people.. I really dislike any display of sadness and emotions.. well, for me, on me. I don't mind it for others.. But I feel like a bother when I do. No one should ever have to bear my weight.. I'll let the cigarettes and wine do that.




Naww, just joking. Speaking of it really helps, I'll just do that.

Okay, thanks for tuning in. You've been reading Kim's Weekly Passivity. Take care now, bye bye then.