Orange Vomit stained Carpet.

Last night and yesterday was very isolating. TOday I plan on going outside. But yesterday, whoo geeze, I bought some gin at 830, the small bombay gin, and had that with this veggie/fruit juice. Sweet tapioca, that was .. I hate vomiting. I hate it when it' on carpet and it's still there but instead you're writing out this blog. Yesterday I did some 'automatic writing' for 45 minutes, or half an hour, or an hour, I don't really know. But That's the only time I outputted anything yesterday.. well. At 4 I finished and then Dalida and I got to texting. I spoke about 10 words yesterday outloud, more realistically.. I'll give it 20, but really. .. Hi, Bye, Bye, It's nice. I like the crunch...That's it. I tried singing in the shower, it's as if I was fucking Aerial, I couldn't even sing. Wow, it was so silent. I didn't go to History class that day, because the idea of going outside and walking was terrifying. I think it's because of the self-awareness of my size. Man, I had beans two days ago, and then I guess that's why I was gasy for 4 hours yesterday, that on top of me wanting to empty out the fridge by eating remaining food. I wrote it all in the automatic writing. The only plan I had last night that I knew I was.. well, I knew I was gunna be silent the whole day. I knew I was going to not go to school. Even though, I felt kinda bad.. but I couldn't go outside in the daytime. People would see my body, and me. And I didn't know how to dress so I would be invisible. I've got a lot of body, and I can't hide it. But so I wrote about this. My thinking and my typing became synchronized actually. It was quite lovely. Very more fluid. Else wise I'd be looking at the text, at tehw rods appearing, and thinking about the words.. rather than the thinking. But anyways.. I told Dalida, beware, Kim's getting drunk now. I have started the bottle.. and I might finish it tonight. HOly sweet pottatoes, I did. And it's gin. And I had it in three cups. Like.. I mixed the gin with equal parts juice. Oh my, thinking about it right now gets me to want to vomit it up. Ahh, the vomit in the room. I took my longboard out and... wait, before that. Okay, yesterday I watched so many documentaries. THe last one I watched was about natural birth. Now, holy sweetness, it was so beautiful. The connection, the giving into the pain, the sharing of that experience. It felt human, real, animal, genuine. The guy was there beside her, and he knew he couldn't give birth, but he wanted to. He was. They all were. The creation. The, hey, check out what you and I made. THanks for being here, I love you. in ways that four letters can't even fucking describe. I started to cry. Super, just letting it leak out. Super silent too, Marena was asleep. Before this documentary, Sam had already called me, and we did a super quick chat.  Cullen was picking him up, I was offering Sam if he wanted to read the thing I wrote.. He didn't .. well.. he did want to read it, but I thik I was pushing on it too much to hear his looking-forwardness to reading it. I have a bit in it where I'm thinking about him as being my forever sorta mate... Like, I let him know I think about these things, not a lot though, like I feel hypocritical because it's either he can't think we're gunna be together for even one more week.. because one can never know anything, one second to the next.. but here I am.. imagining him around me and I'm fucking givin natural birth. ZOMP (zoh-mah-potatoes). Anyways.. he's like, Cullen's here, I'll talk to ya later, bye, love ya, and I reciprocated, and you could hear Cullen "AWW isn't that cute! Love you too Kim!" That made me laugh and smile so much. That was like my first laugh that day, it's fucking 9 or 10 o clock by then (PM). I sent Sam and text saying "Love you too Cullen!" .. I'm sure he got it. But then, after the birthing video was getting to be too much, I called my Mom out on the balcony and cried and cried and cried, telling her that I was watching a Natural Birth video and I'm so happy and filled with love about Giving birth and babies and getting pregnant, and I love her for it, for having me, for being my mother. I was cryyyyyyy-innnggg. I just let all the tears I've been withholding from existence out. That was a good cry. Man, that was good. Ahh, it just felt like.. like as if you were a sponge filled with so much water and weight, and then it was released from you. It felt so natural, relieving, I felt pourous, like holding in a breathe since forever, and then letting it out. I continued to talk on the phone with my mother, even as I grabbed my longboard, put on my shoes and walked out. I wanted to go out to the South end and board amongst the houses. I was on the board for a bit, but I know I stopped for a bit. I was talking to my mom about my Coloscopy appointment, and she was talking about coming here in October to take me to it. I said, I mean, okay Mom, come if you want, like it's already nice to see you, but I don't need it. But It's nice if I see you. She said to go home, she was encouraging hard as some kid who passed by started to talk to me about my longboard and stuff. How he had a friend.. I dunno. I feel, on my head, like I should have had a concussion. When I woke up today I could feel it in my brain, and I'm thinking about Drew Hildebrand, about a crack in the skull, wondering if I could feel it if it were there. I think.. I feel another time too??..Because I have this wound on my knee. But I can't injure my knee and the back of my head at the same time.. I feel.. so I deduce that it must've been twice. God bless my mother for encouraging me to come home. I tried to go to bed.. but the drunkness was only starting to seep into my blood. I texted Jake if he were awake, because I wanted to expell this drunkardness.. but he didn't reply in time.. so I was trying to put myself to sleep.. but layind down, it got so spinning so quickly. All of a sudden I vomited. And it looked like roange white and pink blobs of HufflePuff cluff. Like.. giant cotton balls that were tri coloured and soaked in my stomach goodness. I don't know where I put that stuff even this morning. I'm freaked out I left it somewhere and didn't flush it or whatever.. in the house. Did I wash my hands? I remember vomiting in my hand.. after filled my hand so quick, it fell to the floor also. Then .. I don't know where the stuff in my hand went.. But I know I tried to move the stuff on the carpet floor too. Picking and scraping it up with my fingers.. putting it in this plastic bag. Ugh. I'm done. That was my day, yesterday... and this is my morning. I had the cereal that I was dreaming about.. and I took a long shower.. almost too warm.. but just standing there.. water has mad healing qualities. I'm delayed going to the costco and everything because.. I vomited on my bag a bit. I'll do laundry when I get home.. I'll search up how to best clean up vomit from carpets via google. I'll have baby clams.. after the search. Bad idea to eat before cleaning up vomit?? Who knows...