Back again, and it feels normal. Anti-climatic. And I mean that in a non-derogatory way. It is now routine, which is alright. Anything exciting planned? Just gather the material things, and read some things. I actually seem to have a lot of expectations for the next few days and what not. Of tasks, completely minor, which set the foundation for fulfilling other tasks coming on.
In the last couple of days I have allowed myself to get caught up in thinking about things that bug me. Personality disorders to be exact. Yet, I find that term completely misleading. Well wait, I am getting caught up in the connotation of personality disorder. Someone isn't acting quite right, they're probably acting crazy, whatever that means. Loopy, extremes in behavior and mood.
(The other day, I wrote down, "by critiquing we expose ourselves.) We come to "know" the world, in how we know ourselves. We paint the world with our filters. That being said...
These personality disorders. Conversely, are there any ordered personalities? What is order? What is order in relation to chaos? Chaotic order, and ordered chaos. We could look at the colour red and call it blue.
Nominal, is a cool concept. By using the word red, we are addressing the word, and not the object. There is no objective red. Objectivity. Abstraction.
Do you ever wonder what you are talking about?
I have brought this up in conversations with Mareena and Shaun. It's refreshing. It's remembering the train that you ride is on tracks. Who put the tracks there. Who's initiating the conversation.
It's interesting how conversation takes place. Instead of speaking of one truly singular object, it is two (yet more) sources, blending in all their experience and ideas, into one. A melange. Maybe the singular comes out afterwards. On the recorded cassette of the interaction.
At times I want to record a lot of my interactions and conversations with people. I love being able to go back through texts. I love how conversations never die. Always changing it seems. Reading things more than once is epic too. Each time you go through the words, just totally different. You, the words, the temperature of the pages. Somehow, always meaning different.
Shane and I got stoned the other day, and that was lovely. I really like thinking and wondering about ideas with people. Sometimes I feel like they're not as into it as I am. Or it is strange. Just sitting down and wondering is an amazing thing.
Yes, think. But we all think about different things. I'm not saying that I'm a miraculous genius, and I feel I must say this, because I feel a bit self-conscious, interesting, that strangers are out there reading this. Not really though, this site is quite inactive. But, interesting.
There was a book today in Chapters that I was wanting to get for some fleeting moments. It had a title something along the lines of, "in an interconnected world: establishing the boundaries" Might is right. Just because you can, should you? There is temptation to say that, "well, we put our shit out there, so people know that trash is public space." And, know, that I am talking to myself in these moments. And the world.
Curiousity.
There was also this book, "The Good Book. A humanitarian bible." or something. Sounds interesting. I didn't much like it though, I read barely anything of the text, but i like the idea of me rewriting the bible into how I saw it, and agreed with it. I'm still hovering around the sexual orientation stuff.
Daniel once said (something along the lines of) What makes more sense for a religious society to gain power, but to condemn non-heterosexual relations, to make as many children as possible, and thus sexual reproduction becomes not about hedonistic pleasure, but pious, only to brew more of its like.
I feel like there are four of me inside of me.
Maybe that's why I have to speak out the thoughts from my head. The noise inside becomes so congested. Which do I listen to?
I love words and communicating. I love having a lot of stimulation. What is boredom?
I can get bored outside doing things, I can get bored a lot. In any experience.
You can just think outside of the experience, and you may become bored of the experience.
I watched the second Hunger Games in theatres last night. Last night was night. I was angry and couldn't fall asleep, my mom comes in and asks me what's up, "Can't sleep?" "Yes, because I am thinking of all the things that make me angry." So she gets me to vent. And I do. And after a while I become conscious that we have just been talking about me for a while, with me doing a lot of the talking. So I ask her what's up.
I soon become tired, and wanna fall asleep. Mm, love those moments. Went to bed at 2am, and woke up at 9. Oh, maybe that's not as crazy as I thought it would be.
But the Hunger games is a good movie, and it has a good plot, but i was bored within it. I was not bored when it came to...fighting the monkeys? Something along those lines, where my mom and I were busting in our seats and whatnot, tense, all our bodies tense, readjusting, and trying to find comfort. Holy, so scared? yikes. That was nice. Good involvement.
It was the plot that didn't get me. The formula and how they filmed it was good and effective, I just didn't care about it. I could not have been there. That's how I feel about sex, and talking to people at times. When and where I am not present. Oh gosh, should I be present? No. It's just that, I like doing things sometimes, and for however long or not. Boredom man. Need a change of .. pace? Stimulation? Environment? Yes.
Which brings me to ideas, they can changed so quickly. And also painting. The image changes so quickly, even when it's done slowly, but the involvement is a constant revealing.Cigarettes and meals, a lot of the times I don't need the rest beyond the start, yet I continue.
I got bored thinking a lot during the biking trip. A lot of the times I would want to read, something more than billboards, and perhaps sit and play some piano and music. Most I did musically was sing with my voice. Zoning out, when it happens/happened, was/is awesome.
I think I am done writing for tonight. Thank you... abyss.
Of people, robots, spy agencies and whatevernot and inbetween.
just because someone is willing to do it, or you have them wrapped around your finger, avoid the temptation in asking them to do it. Why are you asking them? What are your intentions? And what do you want? What do you want them to want? Though, you know their intentions and reactions behind the direction, why play the victim (i [pre]suppose) when they play out their cards.
is it there? or is it just me.
Thanks! Bye for now.
