None are photos which I had taken - but I like these and they are on my computer. So after me posting these, I will allow myself to delete these. The first is a painting from another person, which I like. The next is a sticker or something which I tried to find on ebay, after having Stumbleupon'd it. And then the next is a photo which Warren had posted on FB, and I loved it so much - saved. Then the next are two pictures which this kid, Sean (aquarius) had posted, then I just panoramic'd together. Ah, finito. Completio. Perfecto.

Thanks,

Kim

Steven's Dream

Between Stevee Lockhurst and You

[I sent this message to an elementary kid I used to have a crush on. In the black is what I wrote, and I'm adding in red now.]

Kimberly Watson June 5 at 6:16am

What's up,

K so I just woke up from a [really lovely and warm] dream, and pretty much you [and I randomly met in a movie theatre. I walked in, to the front row, which wasn't close to the screen, and saw you and was like "Hey Steven! What's up!" And gave you a friendly tap with a movie magazine really.] were my best friend in it, [and we instantly hit it off again. Hell I don't even know if we were close in elementary, all I know is that right now I'm under this fantasy illusion] so the first thing I thought of [when I woke] was like

["No! I want to see the end of it. But oh well, I guess the fun is that it was perfectly fine as it was" in a corny way... then I thought:] "Gotta tell Steven!"

It was like a [perfect "Hey, how are ya! Haven't see you in a while!" Day of reconnection. Turned out to be a really flirtatious dream too, which ended up being a] date dream really (in my head I'm thinking this must be random ass stuff) but whatever. [The first thing that caught my eye, when I sat down (a seat in between us) was that] You [, Steven] had two rectangle tattoos on your leg, which I thought was pretty sweet. [And I thought it was pretty sweet because then I was like thinking, shit, Meant to be, I'm in love! But in the way where it's like, hey you're weird, I'm weird, we know each other, we've had some time apart - sick.] We randomly met in a movie theatre with 2 of your younger friends [which reminded me of how you were a year younger. They were classmates]? [One might have remembered me from Morden, but it was interesting having them there, it was like B,K,_,S,B,B. So boy, me, empty, Steve & so on. Except I had the aisle seat, and only once, when the boy was trying to reconnect with my himself did a seat appear on my left.]Then [we]

were really annoying - [I felt a bit inconsiderate for a bit of the amount of noise we were making, but never got shushed. I thought afterwards "Oh well, it gives our chatter a living-room feel to this. I was rearranging me and my sitting position. First leaning to the right then thinking it was too close, leaned to the left. Then a funny bit in the movie happened, and I collapsed onto the ground - in an attempt to find the perfect seat-position yet. I say on the floor for a bit with my head on my seat looking up. I could feel that some of the others in the front row would be able to see my face in the glow of white movie-light. They would put a face to the noise and commotion. So I made my way back to the top. I then tried to sit up straight and fine, but then another mildly funny part came, and I leaned to the left - away, but my chins were touching. Apparently the space in between was getting smaller. We were now on a tiny sofa really. At some point again, I rearranged my seating, but the entire 6 seats fell back. I had] knocked the seating down by accident and made a chinaman's baby cry [ I attended to my own baby? It just sort of appeared on my lap "Shh, sleep child. He didn't cry actually. Then I handed it over to ... I want to say Steven just because, or it could've been one of his friends. But then I tapped the China man's shoulder showed concern for the Baby. "Is he alright? I'm so sorry, that was all my fault." And then I said sorry to his friend on the next seat too. Being awake now I wonder why there were babies]-and then another baby[ of my own which didn't cry]? That was the only showing of babies.

[Just so you're not like, Dammit, this girl is telling me a baby dream and I was the father. We were quiet from then on, but there was pretty much no seat in between, and it became really comfortable.]

[We started walking outside, along the sidewalk. It seemed like it was Speers, and we just came out of Encore I guess. You and I and the two friends, all quad went off.] Then pretty much [we arrived and] went to Blakelock [It was common lunch on the field. All ages though. We passed by this one group of kids who knew Steven and stopped to talk to him. They didn't know me because of the age gap I felt, so then I slowly started to walk off a bit. But soon afterwards Steven broke off and we continued walking nearer to the back. The sun was warm, there was a cool breeze, and the many leaves on the trees created the perfect amount of sunspots and shade on peoples faces. Picnic blankets were down, at first people were sitting, but now the majority were standing. There was a lot of movement too, but it seemed sort of slow.

[Then some space developed and some major flirting started. I knew I was doing it a lot, and I couldn't really help it. I thought to myself once "Oh, I hope he doesn't have a girlfriend, either-wise I'm out of grounds. But it was reciprocal, and so then fine. Some reason I wanted to show off my athletic capabilities really. There was a soccer ball that these kids were play with and they hit it out past their last man. So we had a soccer ball for a bit. I did some foot work (which I thought was pretty sweet) and Steven tried to steal it from me. So then a mash between soccer skills was happening, combined with some good heart beats. He fell a couple of times and went to grab my legs, but then after him doing this I thought "oh no, now he won't like me." But I continued to kick and move and by then the other kid came and I passed to him. He did some neat foot work too, and I was like "Hey, that was sick. Let me try that." And then he passed back and I did it 99% mimicked. I felt like a pro. After this foot work, we continued to walk. Something about my age or my birthday came up. "Yeah, my birthday was a couple days ago." And then I knocked him on the chest a bit "And hey, happy belated birthday to you too. You're on the 24th right? Yeah, I remember because it's near Queen Victoria Day and Andrea's birthday."

Then our steps took us to the area in which the Pit would be. What was approaching seemed sort of daunting, what I could see was like "Oh yeah, I forgot about this." We saw] and jumped down a steep rocky hill near the Pit/Back. [I always have to jump during my dreams down something steep. This girl who was beside, we kind of a friend, I don't know, but was kind. She was like, oh yeah it's fine. And she jumped. Not cautiously though, with no care or fear. Fuck, she almost landed near a rock - that would've messed her ankle up right good. Then Steven went down. He didn't jump straight off, but in stead (with his long legs) went and took steps down some of the edges of the side. Then it came to a point where he was holding on similar to Jack on the Titanic's position, and he had to to a blind let go down onto the bottom. I went to see if he needed help, but he was fine. "Fuck, it's my turn now" I thought to myself. Fuck no, fuck no, fuck no to all the jumping straight offs. Hah, instead I went to the left of side of this hill drop, where it was more steps and gradual. I went down, and these three black kids, dressed in black, but chillin really, because I guess I was on the cool side. But they were kind, some stares, but their heads were moving freely, bopping almost. I went down one branch off of these gradual steps and I saw that it went to a steeper drop. Another kid passed by ahead, down the path where I was to go, and so I went. These three kids noticed that I made a mistake, but I said to them/myself "Oh, don't need to do that way."]

[There was a mid-level plateau. And coming from the left side, I could see where Steven was. It was just sitting together in a crowd. Like this was our place to sit and rest and chat. There were a lot of people, it was comfortably full this plateau. This other girl and us were having a regular old conversation. I think I was talking to her and then Steven kissed my hand. As if letting me know and sort of asking? But I was in mid-conversation with this girl, I was trying to keep my cheeks from really blushing. The conversation kept on naturally, and right afterwards he did another kiss. I registered it was because I didn't answer the first time. So I clasped his hand just to affirm. I looked to Steven and smiled. He seemed really present. He was here. Then the girl started to talk again and then a disturbance happened near the top of hill. Which didn't look so steep any more. It wasn't even, there were a series of steps along its edge. Through the now apartment wooden wall, doors were opened and a staff member allowed] a cop [to come through. "Alright everybody. I'll need each of you to fill out on a piece of paper your names and address. Including the young ones. " He called, but he] came really, to get rid of all the KINDERGARTENS! That were in the pit. ["But isn't that if you are under the age of 18, you must have your parent's permission to give away these details." I called up and straight over people's heads to him. "Well no, not in this case. You're all in the pit" He retorted. In any case all the Kindergartens left, a lot. I didn't even see them around me. It was spring/summer [outside], then When we turned around]

we were in a living-room? [we were both sitting on one of those comfy chairs. A lazy boy really. but what's strange is I was on the armrest and leaning over. I guess that seems fine now, but then I was like, why the fuck do I get to sit like this. I snuffed my nose a bit and did a mild unsnuff and I thought a wad of mucus blood came out. I checked to rid the evidence of it - all concealed like. My leg was across, I went to scratch my ankle really, and I picked up this squishy red ball. I don't know, didn't seem real, but I got it off the seat at least. But I had to get it out of my hand. So I went and looked around on the ground to my right (I was on the right armrest) and saw toys and things on the carpeted ground. I wiped it on one of the toys and when I looked up I could see this older woman was sitting there and potentially might have seen all of this. But oh well, I turned away and looked to the TV set again. The whole living room, still outside in the pit, but just wit carpet and furnishings, the whole setting looked like Korri & Krissi's living room. The setting started to blemish with spots of blue & grey, as my eyes were starting to open. I was letting it, then I was like "No, no!" It was so nice. I felt like I needed to tell my newly reconnected best friend of this news. So to make sure I didn't forget, I went over it a good amount of times in my head. Well like three summarizations. I was about to forget the soccer bit before, luckily I got it, because it was lovely but self-conscious in itself.

And then I woke up at six.

I can actually remember it more vividly than this, but I [don't want to be too weird about this. Although all in all, I ]think you won't mind having a neat-o read in the morning.

K, peace!

And have a good Summer : } [maybe we should go and watch a movie sometime, lol],

Kim

Thursday June 2nd, 2011

Okay.

This day was progress, I guess..

First off, my dream last night, from what I can remember - a lot of Love for Andrew, and some thing else.

The other something else, Wayne brought up, and that's the only way I know that I dreamt of something other than Andrew. Though Andrew was still the last remaining bits to my sleep.

A car, and racing, in some streets. I was running, through some jungle, with a trail going high, up high, to down and steep below. It was raining then, on some streets some where, was I in a race? Cars stopped, all disappeared except for this other car, in which Andrew was.

It could have been a british car, but in any case, I went over and walked along the gravel, and saw him hand gesturing to come in to this black car.

I sat in the left seat - was there talking? Maybe. But we did...hold. Not cuddle, but just hug really. A warm comforting touch.

It went on for a bit, too bad it couldn't be in present day real life. Maybe Andrew dreamt of this as well. Hopefully he dreams of me, either-wise... what am I doing?

But so then, I woke up, off the couch. 9:10 AM I got up and off and did the whole brushing business. Tidied up and gathered my things. My mom and I were going to go to the library. But not before I had a glass of vodka to drink. So off I went - to find apartments and the likes.

One of the first tick offs of the days, one of the apartments which I called, answered a drunk girl. "Ontario, you're not worth it" Okay, one minor set back to my mood.

But then we went back home, after having lunch in downtown Oakville. Which was nice, I love to eat with people. I do. I just don't like to be stuffed with food pressures - oh yes, that is a no-no.

But so then afterwards, we arrived home. 2:30, damn - Wayne was going to be home soon, and I still had to get a wee bit drinky. So I did - Grappa, never buy it. Or do, but really, mm, no.

It's a Brandy made out of Wine left overs, so the pulp and skin and twigs of the grape, tastes like putrid fermented leftovers.

Moreover, Wayne came. (Oh yes, mom and I approached John about his highschool - but he withdrew a bit) We asked Wayne what to do, and he affirmed that it was John's responsibility. Very true, very true indeed - case closed.

So then Wayne and I went off to speak to his church friend, Niel.

Niel had helped Wayne a lot last year with Wayne's parentee perspectives. His end of the barrel gun. So then Wayne referred me to Niel - we both sat through this.

We three spoke for 3 hours. The first 30 minutes of which we spoke of Niel's history - to create a comfort. Then right afterwards "So but How are you? Wayne told me some things about the home life, how's this like?" Niel asked and instantly tears on my part.

Just melted for the next hour or so, probably more. Just melt melt melt melt melt. Felt like crap, but safe. Which is good.

It feels repetative at times, but all for good memory. All I could think about drawing onto the remaining hour was "Dirty Brandy Grappa at home, drink, drink, drink." I let them know this, and they knew it wasn't good for me to do such, and even though I knew it too, still, for a while it was just echoing in my head.

But I went home instead and had couscous.

But I guess, what I had to do near the end of it, after my nose had finished bleeding - Niel spoke about God and stuff.

Of course, I was solid and sort of stubborn, unwilling to really hear this stuff. But why would I sit in science or mathematics and all of a sudden believe that Bohr and Pythagorus were amazing, but refuse to hear this too. I am bias, but on my own account? I do not think so.

So anyways, I left with a mini booklet in hand, and I was off to highlight it later on tomorrow I guess.

Tomorrow's agenda:

-OSAP

-APARTMENTS

-BROCHURES

-CRAFTS SHOPPING

-THEN OLIVIAS

The main thing is that tomorrow night I get to volunteer with these Grade 5 church kids and create an activity which they will do. Taunting, but alas, a step which I must take in order for me to become a teacher in the near future.

Volunteer hours, I am excited for this.

Mini book to high light, I am excited for this.

Oh, and so I came home and after having eaten couscous, I went into my Blueroom and saw this bag of stuff with taped pieces of paper all about it.

Messages from Mum and Dad ~"To: Our Daughter. Kim is it never too late to say sorry. It is not that we did not forget about your birthday, it is just that we did not do what you expected. I hope that this stuff will help you for your apartment in Nova Scotia. Lol Dad. Hope you had a good day. I am sorry. I will pay for 700 of your rent. We talk tomorrow. Please do not be angry. We went to the movies, I thought you were going to be home by 6:00 PM. We'll go to South Common Mall tomorrow. xox"

Something along those lines, which was so nice - I cried while having a full stomach.

Then I called Doris and let her know that I couldn't get her weed because she's a mom and everything and that I hope she still will like me, because I don't want her to not like me. And then I cried saying that Dad hit me, even though I provolked it, but we provolk each other, as I am pro at pushing their buttons. But he messed with me and my dreams for going to school next year, because it is my escape from this life. It is the only thing which I have been thinking about for the past LONG while. So him joking about that, about my dreams made me very very very all the more insecure. And I do not like this. So even though that he has all of a sudden decided to take back what he said and pay for my apartment, it is not cool.

Doris said that she went through the same thing "3 older kids in the house, and then 3 babies, they took it out on us. So we had to leave. I'm so sorry Kim, hearing this right now makes me cry right now. If in any time you need help, know that our door is always open. If you ever need to take a day off, or a weekend, it's always open. Or you can call me, midnight or whenever, my phone is always on. If I don't answer, just text, because I don't have caller ID. I love you sis, let's be close. You don't have to be alone. And no one has the right to hit you."

Beautiful words from a beautiful soul.

Alas, now all I am to do is.. mm.. sleep? it's only 9:36PM too, but I dunno. I just want to sleep I guess. If I can.

Well I will, inevitably. But in any case, this was my day today.

beliveve in frank

I'm so crazy, man. This week has been explosive I'd say. What with me keeping a lot of my stuf in, it has to come out sometimes.

It's weird, that after these times, it feels good when do you harm to yourself. Not to say that I slit any wrists or anything, but I was thinking about it. Well, I guess any one would too. They're just thoughts I guess, easy in easy out.

Some things though which I did was just drink vodka, and stuff. I went out and bought cigarettes. I didn't really eat anything. As soon as I would step inside this damned place, I'd feel hungry, so then cook. But then something inside would erupt and I would become really angry. When I get angry, I end up throwing all this food in the garbage. Other people's food too, well not really..only today a bit because yesterday I threw my stuff out already.

I've been eating the icing off of a cake my younger brother made with his friends. This morning and yesterday, I was so light headed by any movement - I was so tired.

I know that if I choose to live and proceed and go about with my future and dreams and all that crap; that I should probably stop getting drunk. Because time limits are approaching. Due dates and deadlines.

Something is wrong with my OSAP application too - if I don't get this, then I don't go to school next year - and I stay here, in this dump, again.

It seems sort of hopeless, like before I had it all planned, and then, the week of my birthday, it all just melts away. If I was on my game, I guess I could accomplish these things. Fix the OSAP, fix the driving school, fix the apartment issues, get a job, then move. It sounds simple. But I guess I just don't feel like doing this anymore. Like I know I want to go to school and stuff, but in my head it's just like "how will I get there?"

What are my next steps.

Well, first off. Charge my laptop, charge my phone, brush my teeth, piss and go to bed. Tomorrow I'll call OSAP, and then I'll call for apartments, I'll bring a pad of papers to the library.

My sister wants weed too, but I don't think she'll pay me back. Well, I just don't think she will. I don't know how it will turn out, but in the end, I'm gunna send her the shit, and probably get fucked over with 60 bucks too.

Kush in the mail, cuz i'm a bitch.

Ohh, tomorrow's not going to be a good day. I don't even have time to cook food and eat. I'm going to feel like shit again, for even longer.

Man, sleep.