Good Dream.

I got up earlier so that I could do this. Write out my dream, and feelings coming out of it, and then thoughts and whatnot. I also am having a cup of wine, at 3:24AM complete with a stale cigarette. Good, the mood is set.

At the start from what I can remember, it was an adventure dream. I know there was more before this, but this is from what I may recall... John, me, and this other 20-30 yr. old guy were in this motorcycle w/ a side cart. Driving and riding along, we were talking of something. I don't know where this guy had in plan for John and I to travel to, but all of a sudden, off the dirt path we're sort of gliding off a cliff. Going to hopefully reach the other path about a mile away, across this water bed. Wow we were fucking high up. Nearing the end of this gap, (so many trees on the approaching cliff side, so tiny too from afar) coming close to our destined path I'm feeling a floating sensation - as if I'm gravitating up off and out of my side cart seat. Ploom, we land. The guy looks at me, "Oh, you didn't like that?" I reply "yeah, not at all. What about you John?", I look at him, and he shrugs it off. He was fine with it. Well then. Riding along, and skipping some parts. I am very active in this dream. Agile, escapist, a lot of leg and body work.

The three of us land. And now we climb this dirt & rock & sand formation. It seems high, but once you've climbed up, you realize, it's just the raised earth and roots of this big & wide tree. We're sneaking up, and we see three other people about 5 metres away, outside of their blue gray mini van. They're lost. And speaking in french. Primarily John, guy & I were hidden, and planning on staying as such, but then I heard the one lady talking with the other guy "Cardinaque?" "Non, ce n'est pas ca." All in all, when I realized that they were speaking french, I revealed myself with some French words. They thought I could speak it, but then following their questions with pure "umm"s and such, the one lady just sorta waved me off. And I had no idea where this Cardinaque place was either, so it was fairly pointless. But just before they started back into their van I realized, wait, Wayne has GPS on his iPhone (the guy is now Wayne). Attends! Wait! "Wayne, search up where Cardinaque is, I know it's around here." So he did, and he went up and just showed the visual directions of how to get there on his iPhone to these lost-trio. After this, we groups, separated to our own ways; us now travelling down this hill. Bumpy, holey, and forcing us to trot a bit down.

We're in a playground, with Wayne, and John-someone, and some two other people. One of the parts I remember is that I was trying to become out of reach of Wayne, so I sort of jump air kicked off of his head to escape his potential grasp of me. I could feel his grip on my pants, but a double kick got me out of there. Then, this sense of escapism came over me. Whomever I was with, I wasn't with them, but I was trying to get away from their potential harm of me/ capture. Over the scenery of playgrounds, and roof tops, staircases, and appartments, I was always cunning when it came to even the closest of potential captures. I got out of each of their grasps of me. A quick spurt of energy, and I was outta there. It all felt slow motion though. The amount of energy I was using, I could feel its pull. But then we come to a more distinct scene.

I'm on this apartment building's rooftop/fire escape staircase. I was fleeing the attention of these three guys. Generally, Filippino looking sorta, but that's not really too important. So they pretty much had me, shit. I pretended to give up and be like 'damn, you got me.' But again, one second, and I was twirling out of their reach through these handrails out past the staircase and on tot he roof... finding myself in this other situation.

Some parts are past by my recollection now, but it's nighttime. Roof of this apartment room, is clear glass windows. I can see in. It looks like an office, a job place. I see twenty or so people moving about. What is this place? I'm using my elite movement to cross even the trickiest of spots on this building. Foot here, hand there, upward body thrust outta here and we're good. But... yadda yadda I'm unsure until I am trying to reach one person in this room. I'm hiding from this other one, and she's protecting the one whom I wish to see, from me. I'm trying to see Chelsea. This older lady is quite preventative. And the other people within this workplace are confused when they catch glimpses of me. But all in all, they dislike the other woman, so therefore do help me. Chelsea's locked in this room, with only the other woman entering and exiting. Actually, Chelsea did come out once. So I moved atop the glass window roof, and managed to caught eye contact with her. She knew I was there to see her, and it wasn't strange. It's not like 'woah whaddya doing here?' It's like, 'okay, you're here, good, this is the plan.' She sent Chelsea to her room, and the other people resumed their places.

When the older lady (authoritative no doubt) left, I entered this office room through one of the glass windows, just slid it open. And curved my body in. I went to the mini fridge, and was looking for soda. A girl came up to my left side and I asked her "Hey, which soda do you think she would like? Do you have Diet Soda; Diet Coke?" Sure enough she did, so I had one diet coke and one regular in my hands, and exited through the same window.

I'm crossing the roof and I can hear the glass make its creaks here and there at each step, and I can see some of the people look up to take some glances at me. The one girl that helped me with my soda dilemma is following me with her eyes. It was the window through which I entered Chelsea's room too. We sat. I think I was pleading to her, how sorry I was. But she was doing the same too. So generally we were agreeing with one another and to ourselves. But too quick was this, the doorknob was turning and then I jumped up to the window as Chelsea went to block the door, but too weak, the lady pushed it open and I caught her eyes as I was leaving. Definitely saw me. Strange though, because now the only way for me to exit, nevermind being outside, I had to run out through the hallway (once I exited through the window of Chelsea's room, I was exiting the door to this apartment) and I was running through the hallway, and entered the staircase. Only two flights up was I, so the old lady opened the door to the stairway and was able to see me. But she didn't chase me. All we did was give eachother these very strong stares into the other's eyes, challenging, warning, protective, and scared, but still almost fearless... She let me go, I had done my deed.

But as I am outside of this apartment building, I'm turning left, it's nighttime out, and there's this gathering of people outside the apartment on the front and left-side lawns. Just socializing a bit, and chilling. But there are few words, few whispers, and I have to go up this hill in order to go to the back of the building, the grass is dark, and there's only one light from the back of the building that's being cast over this hilltop. Neither high nor steep I walk up, catching the glances from these groups of people. They're very silent, but their eyes leak with curiousity and a bit of hunger, maybe. But I'm going to the back of the building because I want to see Chelsea's Balcony. And oh my, the words that I was hearing.

"You told me that she was the worst thing that ever happened to you!"

"Yeah I know, but now it's different. And we're fine now"

"How stupid could you be, have you forgotten what she has done to you?"

"No."

"I just don't understand why you're even bothering now with her, all of a sudden."

"Well she came to me..."

"You shouldn't be talking to her."

As I was over hearing this, I could feel my heart becoming sad, and grieved. But I was happy, in a way, because I could sense the feelings of warmth within Chelsea's words. She knew that I did not go there to hurt her, or myself, I just went to heal, and fix, and feed, and give. But with no instructive for our future, but just a hope that there may still be one.

Ahh, the task of mending.

Blabble

Yes, even though, I am here, saying my own little formation of words... blah-da yadda yah-blah.

Shut up. Shure. Okhay. Like yes, we all believe our own certain things, tid bits. We each have our own reasons...assuring as they sound and may be. Our resources. Our truths and lies. Our lives. What we have seen, and sensed in general. What, we each just bet to be what is true. Or maybe not, but hey, we're willing to gamble on it. All in all, we're all fucking dumbasses. Idiots. Perverted little geniuses. Thinking that we can think. Thinking we each have our own little shade of what is pure-truth in each of our little noggings.

Yeah, I can feel this keyboard. Yeah, I did work today. Yeah, I have no way of prooving that I am actually here. There is all of this mumbo jumbo around us. I nod, and give the vague argreements with whatever conversation I'm having...each bloak I speak with, or listening to ramble on (including you to me, yeah, I know) they're defending their words. As if they've always been hit with some retaliation each time they've spoke. YOu know what I'm saying? They're letting a little bit of steam off, and giving their side of the story, and letting me know what's what...gentle and/or not. But still, what's it is that I'm thinking in my head, how amazing it is, that we're all crap snorters in the end. I dunno! It's just...formidable. Of course, I'd love to have my way and speak to peoples among persons and tell them how it's all supposed to roll, but in the end, I usually die out, maybe. I mean, catch me on a good topic (that I say is good) and then you start to hear my tid bits of what's what, that's all in all backed up with some emotions. YOu know. I PUT MY EMOTIONAL SECURITY INTO ME THINKING THIS. I am this person because of what I've been always saying inside of my mind.

Do you know the conversations I've had with myself? Yes, you do. You've had them aswell. You're the exact same as me, as I am to you. They are to us. We are to you, you and them, me and us. Blah blah, don't matter. Each word gives an illusion to a chance of reality.

I dunno.

I mean, believe what ever you want to fucking believe.

A sane mind can't even proove to itself that it is sane.

Just fuck it. I don't mean give up, but I mean, shut up, in a way. Or don't really...

Hmm, what am I trying to say..?

I dunno, figure it out I suppose - it's your own shit.

There's no Substance that can take my 'problems' away from me.

None that may pay my debts, fill me with intelligence, a lack of a home, and none that will give me a family. To replace love, and erase.

To end all would generally be it, non?

Silly girl, don't you feel your heart's gentle pounding?

It's never stopped. It's started it's function since you were a pre-world being. It is your friend, it's been there for you. I guess, well I mean I guess that you should at least just love it. You have yourself to love and to admire.

Now go, and do this more often.

"This is the only time I really feel alive"

I pretty much only type on here when I'm angry. Or something. I have a desire for this, but don't want.

Reminder Reminded,

Although those feelings were real from before, I um... have changed my pace. I worry about how others will see me. How do they perceive me? Is it exactly from how I believe I present myself? Express myself? I am very egotistical, and cocky right... but for what reason? My sun sign, isn't too strong about things... there's no real reasoning for me have such a large ego. I suppose I do any how. If anyone congratulates me, or gives me kudos on being spectacular or whatever anything positive, I disagree. I shun them down (afterwards when I blow my ego up in front of others, retelling this story of admirence) and say how they know nothing about me, and they probably think such about me because of some sort of lack that they have. And the other way as well, if some one is hating on me, spotting out my dusty parts, and saying how much I suck and all things negative, I become very spittis in their eyeis. Retelling this story of ridiculousness, how could anyone have ever said that I suck?! Blah blah, no one ever wins.

Feeling low now, realizing how much I am amazing at sucking, just naturally... I have no strong sun relationships. I realize I am full of shame over my self, over my beliefs (veganism / eating habits)... this is how I choose to live and I am embarrassed by it. Embarrassed by it because it makes me different. Yesterday, within a small circle of people of whom were having their own little potluck of chicken curry, feta pizza, and beef chili, and rice, and brownies... I had the rice w/ curry. I already had dinner too. But, instead of being the only person of this group whom would not eat, I ate. I could've only had the rice... it would've been fine... but instead of looking like a girl who would only eat the rice, in fear of presenting myself as a chick who could only allow herself to eat the rice... I put the milk chicken curry on it. Now I thought that it was just going to be milk, with potatoes in this pink curry stuff. Pink curry, strange. But I had a bite of the chicken.. and was like, damn, why do they put fish in here? Awell... I mean, I've been wanting to have fish anyways... But then I pinched a piece of chicken cube in half with my spoon and realized... damn, that's not flaky, that's damn chicken. I still ate. Not the chicken though. I just ate around it. Of course some bits, the small ones, ended up upon my spoon, but I, just, don't know. I did it, so I wouldn't become singled out.

But still.. along came the brownie time, I didn't want any "Hey Kim, why aren't you having any brownies?" -"Naw, I just don't feel like it" "Oh come on, just have one, they're really good, you should have one." -"Naw thanks, I'm good." "What? Are you like one of those kids that doesn't like chocolate?" -"Well yeah, I just don't like the taste of it" "Well whatever, you should just try one anyways" -"Yeah, maybe."

Man, I've already fucking swallowed a chicken cube, I don't want no fucking milk in my tea, no eggs in my brownies, no nothing. (Today, I had a White Macadamia cookie, a bite of one) (I just am recollecting right now).

I consolidated with Wayne. He said, pretty much, that I should not worry about how others look towards me. It does not matter. Just as long as I know who I am, what I am doing, and believe in it, then I am pardoned from any questions. (But I just fucking am tired of having to explain, I am barely able to explain to myself). Who am I? What am I doing? Why do these people continue to talk to me? I do not want to have them question anything of me any more. I am tired of their prodding. I do not like their eyes gleeming over me. Not agreeing with me, and then agreeing with me.

Apparently though, whilst I was outside in conversation tonight with Dalida... we (she) came across a (potential reason) for my ego. Sun in Gemini & Moon in Sagittarius relationship. Opposites. My ego stems from self-defence and insecurity. I want to be SO DIFFERENT, not like any of these other fuckers out there. Not like any of these ridiculously dumb-headed stupidealistic bimbos out there. But then again, I want to be like everyone else, to be a part of this all. To not be left alone and secluded, to not be different from all else. So, My ego is always sharp and high up, because I react second to how others act towards me. But my ego is up, and I am oh so retardedly cool because I do not want them to see how much I hate them, but still need them. My uncertainty has a strong potential for leaking through, but I very much so would not like it for them to see. For anyone to see. Man, I don't even want to see it, because then it doesn't need to exist right? Quel Blague Mang! It's still here. It's still here right now.

For the rest of my life..

Reminder:

People. Taboo. Taboo over relationships w' Food.  Eating. Oneself. Why is it awkward when one person speaks of shitting, pissing, loving... Not awkward when one person gawks over shoes, houses, scarves, asses. It's good to hate yourself. Never good to become better. Never acceptable when an other person becomes self-improved, more self-improved with effort and outcome in contrast to me. It's okay for me to humour myself amongst the company of my peers, and to humour them, with putting myself down. (myself = oneself). Unacceptable to release the built up hateful truth, it's building. (Maybe or maybe not that one yet...)

Different scenes of Taboo. How it effects me with my own relationships with what is natural, including how I myself naturally am. How it effects my relationship when it comes with new acquaintances. Meeting and socializing for the first time, judging becomes second nature to me, and I do not like it. But the reasons are out there. And then I recognize that which I am doing, and then I judge myself, and end up liking my self based on my reactions, less than before.

Reminder:

Thanks.

Hamilton + Thursday + Peoples of the manys.

Whenever I meet new people, and we start just socializing, I surprise myself with my opinions or whatever. I don't know. It's like I create my own friends, or there are only a few people that I have actually met whom have been able to just rebirth themselves into the being that which they wish to be. But ... I mean, it could be any given person right, I may befriend anyone in any certain realm/universe over a certain past, or desire of the future... Aren't we all able to lock with another in some artful form?

Boarders for security. Why can't I become the greatest bestfriend to one of my managers? Highschool Teachers? Why is it so 'awkward' to become a soul bound confidante/ bestfidante to any random soul? Some times you get tired and let down by being the person whom makes the first step. BUT FUNNY!.. because as I was just thinking that... there's Dalida of whom I see one of those friendships happening with, and at a glimpse of the depth or what-have-it-may-be... I got scared a bit. I recognized me getting scared too. I didn't like that aspect of me. I mean, she's a solid person and definitely deserves the chance to believe that she is a great person. We all do, even within our own self-judging eyes (quite harsh they may be at times (and blind aswell)). So why did I get scared? 

Does it use a lot of energy to love a person? Is it renewable? Or is it some act that which causes oneself to die down? Soon someone may have no more of the emotional courage and strength to just love and love again. But I mean, there's always that hope (And high change of truth) that there come a person that just lifts and heals your heart in all those ways, sharing with you (if you're willing to believe) that you CAN start again. And it's your hopefulness that ALLOWS yourself to start again.  I think it's not soo great for your chances of happiness, if that once you catch and find yourself within a hole of a certain darkness, you've become/are so stubborn as to NOT-believe the existence of a light, right in front of you. Choosing to not believe that you are seeing it. Hallucinating, going blind, but realizing what it real. I mean.. both are true sides to the same coin. But if you want to be on the other side, I mean, just flip again. 50% chance you'll make it, conditional to whether or whether not you try.

I like believing everything, it creates a certain reality of my own. No one's in it yet, I don't recognize any one knocking. But that comes all with sharing, right? But they all make it real, in a sense.

*Note: I encourage people to read Reinaldo Arenas' books & autobiography. Why? To hear what your brother has been saying to you, indirect teachings.

Planet Workout

I did it. Very good. Even though I went off after work, tired as fuck, still got it done. On the bus ride there, full bus, full of students from Sheridan... I started to nap. Eyes were becoming so heavy. I had to rest them, in order to avoid falling asleep. At one point, I even ended up with being startled with a body JOLT!, I ended up startling my bus-seat neighbour too. "Sorry", I apologized. Even though we both had our headphones on. I got off, and started my way walking. I've never known where to actually go, nor paid attention when driving... just followed what Google Maps had told me, I wrote the directions at the back of a photograph, something mixed there, I know it. But I don't want to deal with it now, nor whenever... toodles to that thought. But it was generally nice. I was thinking of napping in the changing room, but then decided that that wouldn't be a good idea. My end of holiday celebration.

My parents are home now. I've already distanced my self. Me and my younger brother have already started yelling at them. Damn that shit. & I would scream it too, if it would do any good. But until that's true, it's a lifetime of silent anger.

I was feeling good until I had some of these frozen (but thawed) Uttoti? Utto___ something bread stuff, with this chutney. WOW, it's been hurting for the last 1.5 hours. Now I'm having a shot, to make it all better. NAWT, but fuck this tummy-ache bull shit.

Good things today: I read. I didn't want any cigarettes. I feared being caught in the future to smoke any, the custom & obligation too. ( I absolutely hate it, when I can't say that "Yes, I do plan on stopping, & I haven't had a cigarette in a while... BECAUSE I stop myself, in fear of being the person-who's-done-it, in front of some chick who's been trying to stop for AGES, and just is a WHINER about it. ) I hate it (how I will act. They're fine, they're doing what they do. BUT I don't like what I'm doing. NOT even the reason for why I'll do it. Grumpy as f*ck when it comes to this & the similars) ...Another good thing: I got up early and prepared all my foods today. Had a sandwich, and brought protein to make into a smoothie at work. Ridiculous how happy THAT will get me. And now, I know my weekend plans. & I haven't been biting my nails. & I've organized all the loose photos that I've had in a box for 2 years into some four.5 albums. Now to only do the childhood photos.. that'd be awesome.

Yeah, now I'm thinking I'm sounding dumb. But fuck it, I love organizing. Or at least, how it relieves tension within me. Hardwired, as Linda put it.