Slowly

I've become more self-conscious about typing on here. Where, this is a public domain - and not as intimate as I would have thought. But - still - I like it.

Some hidden gem somewhere - in fact - there are many of us lying about.

I've recently enjoyed reading my past posts - they keep me in tact with past moments of feelings and what not. Mainly, I've read the first two-ish let's say I've written on my first encounters with Shaun bud. He's great - and real! Not to say the others were fake - I do not mean to set up this if it's not black, then it must be white - logical dichotomy. My intention is to underline, emphasize, and highlight with a bold ass fuckin marker - that he's real. In an emotional way - in a human way - an idiotic way - all ways. Most ways. A burden and an ease. He's just a guy - and so far we haven't derailed or anything - so I'm gunna take some moments here on congratulating this - it's awesome. Never let the good moments become forgetting in the haze of negativity.

Of course - ask me to write this out last night, and it'd be a whole other diction. I'd probably be suffocating so much - I'd be hopeless.

There are just so many rich and vulnerable moments - that, it becomes scary, and at times too much to bear. When water sips over the sides of the boats, due to the turbulence of the waves and the very nature of you being on a boat and surrounded by them - but you do not sink. It is just that waves do enter in. Like the instance in which your foot renegotiates itself, its balance, atop of ice, in the mis'naturalistic-calculation it makes on touching the slippery sidewalk - but you don't fall - you just look weird and off kilter for a split second. It does make a good imagery, a quick dance of the silly for the onlooker - no different they are from them.

I've gotten really into astrology lately - in a desperate hope of trying to understand the multifaceted nature of Shaun's and mine's relationship. I just got learned of the Vertex, except not fully learned. More like.. 35% there. And it's fascinating. I looked at the Vertex of one of the more significant times of us first hanging out - and it's fucking unreal - a straight up conjunction. Anyways, it's just phenomenal. By means of - mere words saying "look here" and then they are there. Of course, I'm willing to believe in the occult - so they have my bias. I just wonder how it all works - truly. This attachment we have to each other - these metaphysical pseudo-scientific studies, and somehow creating a demi-realm of understanding. All I know is I want security - I don't want to sabotage my future - and I miss him, or more precisely, I want him daily.

I love reading astrology. There are so many questions I have - and it provides this formulaic breakdown on interpretation - but there are so many variances in ways in which one may interpret these readings, or symbols and so on - and it's different across continents. Fascinating shit - nothing uniform. I wonder about the history of astrology.

Sleep for now.