I just got and am currently getting my first scare. I want to cry. I saw someone biking from Port today, and I thought it was Shaun, and my heart skipped a beat in happiness, and then it wasn't, and thenI thought how cute he is biking, and then I became sad, because all he will be someday soon is a distant memory. I won't be able to see him, but I will have him on my mind.

 had a nightmare today. But it didn't truly feel like one. All the animals in Thailand, in the jungle were out to kill me. What to expect when expecting. My body and sleep is fucked. I emailed Mary telling her how much shame I have for not handing in my essay yet, and if i can hand it in by Friday. I don't want to let myself start thinking in certain ways. I can't think that this essay is impossible, or that it sucks even more that I'm handing it in past the last day of school. It's just that - somethings need to be dealt with clarity. My essay is one of them. This bike trip is one of them. And Shaun is another big one.  I'm still learning how to handle the things that I chose. I didn't choose the essay, but I do like its ideas, it's just it as a thing to accomplish becomes - freaky. Mmm, seven pages is quite lame and nothing. All it is is writing out the thoughts that I've got in my brain. I can do that one day and edit another. Same with that other paper of mine. It will be a depersonalized experience.

I didn't choose to like Shaun per se, but I did choose too also. You like what you like. He has shown me many things, now it's up to me to see those things in the world myself. But anyways, it's not yet June. May is going to be awesome. I cannot even comprehend how many acres below the surface my heart will plumet. But hopefully not that far. I'm thinking I start biking on June First? Maybe not? Maybe? How does that sound? The day that my sweet leaves, I start the bike trip. Or one day before? Or one day after? Maybe I can leave on my birthday?

My birthday one sounds nice. That way I don't have to comprehend much about him having left and be on the plane. He will be on the plane three days into my excursion. And I can phone him here and there. Muahahaha. Is this a good idea?

I feel like asking Marley - how do you handle heart break if you know it's coming? Surely there must be an advantage in knowing some things, in being aware of their existence.

But this summer will be good. I can forecast the emotional weather of crying both for joy and sorrow. But, be prepared my fellow campers, because there will be some fierce sunny skies ahead - so it's a matter of opening yourself in midst of an unlovely yet necessary experience (essay/Shaun) in order to appreciate what good things you have before you. I can sulk on the trip too much, because the trip in itself is quite gunna be fucking awesome. Focusing on breathes and not knowing what else may happen will be cool. I'll just plan my route, that's the only thing that gets me nervous, (lol, if I end up in Maine.) And then for this essay, in a couple of hours I will start and finish my drawing assignment. And then that will be it for other assignments. So Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and Friday - I mean - that's a lot of days for me to focus on my essay, and I don't even need to pull any all nighter. And it's worth doing if Mary will accept it. We will see what to do next in her reply. And Kudos Kim for emailing her, it takes a lot of guts to do something you don't want to do. Feminism is an awesome thing - hopefully it protects me on this journey.

Sometimes, I just need to write shit out. For my bike trip - although I have a sketchbook, having some thin writing pages would be nice too - so I'll make a notebook also. Mm.?

love - good night. I hope you feel better too