Solo you live once

Mmm, Marley had asked me earlier today, "Can I come?" when I told him about my bike trip.


You know what - before when I thought that Shaun wouldn't come, I was thinking - who - who else.. and I did think Marley. But that would mean - a lot of stuff. We would probably end up having sex. Hmm.

And so. Here we are.

He's not fully committed to the idea, but he is serious at it being an option. Which I so fully understand. I mean - I have words and ideas and inspirations pop outta me at any given moment - so - as moments do pass by - sometimes my words don't last as the seconds tick. So Marley - please yes, think about it.

Um, this would become a great deal of an experience. I've only hung out with Marley once - but, there is definitely a connection. Which - I'm.. being careful about - because it is so physical/sexual whatever (biased from astrological readings). Hmm. Lemme go by what I know.

I find him attractive. And he smiles to me, which ups the ante. So there's a general - digging the other - which occurs. And of course, I'm unshure.

Shaun and I  - fuck, he is wonderful. And - it's just knowing (which may be slightly impossible/is impossible) to ever truly know. So, there's no reason for me to even pose my last of future committment and whatever, but anyways.. In this moment, my present moment is being manipulated by my projected expectations of the future. So, I'm not in the most - present - moods. I guess.

Or maybe I am presently here. anyways yeah.

Ah, I approached him after he came up to the studio in which I was painting. When he came he chilled there for a bit, Nicole him and I spoke for a while - about the bike trip. and other stuf. I'm fairly ego-centric, especially right now because I'm super excited. And - then as quick as he came he exits and goes down. Nicole and I talk afterwards, "do you think he'll actually go with you for the bike trip?" I saw - I dunno. I tell a first experience I've had with Marley's plannings, and it went with him proposing - then retracting his proposal - then me approaching him to see if it was still plausible - then him saying yes - just wait - then after waiting him saying no - then after me going, him saying - go here - i say, show and I'll follow - and then he shows, and I'm there buying a pack of smokes, and finally, FINALLY, he goes - Oh, I'll split that pack of smokes with you.

So it's like - he's not committed to what he says, he's interested in the opposing player's reactions. And I don't fully understand why right now. but, it's that. He.. I guess... wants to feel wanted, maybe, wants to feel in control. Or maybe - to feel higher up. Or.. likes, watching others be dissappointed?

I'm unshure. Which is why I'm hesitant over him coming with me on this trip. Meaning, he definitely has me pumped for him to come - he's a cool guy, really. I'm interested in getting to know him, and potentially maybe .. well who knows. but.. it's like - where the "game" ends, and where the real experience begins. Yeah. like everything and nothing is a game and an experience - but.. I dunno. Maybe with his inability to stick to his words all the way through - it makes me - more independant.

I guess.

I went over to Port before I came home to tell Shaun what Marley had proposed. Fuck, this is all so fresh, like - so fresh it might as well not exist. I'm going to hang out with Marley (maybe) tomorrow - so. I told Shaun and he said when he went on his bike trip, this girl Amelia was like, "Oh, I'll go with you!" He was cool with it, but then again also not because he wanted to not have it be a romantic thing. It's people - biking across Canada -for themselves, yet with each other. Before the trip, months before, they had a walk with the other and before Shaun even said it, Amelia was like, "so I'm not gunna go." And Shaun said that that was wise. Anyways, Amelia is totally attracted to Shaun. So of course, and I do this too, we include ourselves in the others plans so that we have time to be with them and for them to like us. I get it. And fuck, Shaun is so beautiful, I definitely get it.

I don't know where Marley's coming from.
I don't know where I will be with Shaun if Marley does come.

If Shaun and I end - then I can do whatever.
Out of a - ahhh.. I can't even really comprehend right now what it would feel like if Shaun and I were to decide - hey, so it was a good run. let's not kiss any more and such. I don't know how I will/would feel about that when/if it comes.
If Shaun and I decide to stick it out - somehow, I dunno. Like, we're still dating??? but I'm biking to BC to visit him?? I dunno - then yeah, for shure man! I will not fucking touch anyone, you know. But like, hmm.

There
s no w
ay in
telling.

So. I'll leave it at this.

I'm gunna pluck the guitar a bit. It's about time.

Mareena's interesting. Same with Marley. Both consumed in their moods so as not to let people know that they're just having a day. Well, Mareena does. And Marley did. Anyways... interesting.

Fuck it.

You are the only one who has constantly had your heart beat felt. Love it.