Missed Connections

With this bike trip as a goal coming up - I've been reconceptualizing things for me to do - so that I do them in order to get tastes, or train myself for what's to come. Last night, I went out by myself to Point Pleasant park. For the last week I have been taking my bike out here and there, and I've biked to Point Pleasant each time. I've always stopped at the first bit of land right after the beach. There's a mini hill there, and I will just stand a top there. A mini victory. Always looking down into the darkness further in the park, I refrain from continuing onwards. There's sure to be an answer to my paranoia, that someone will be there, and I think of ways to escape. With my hands? With my bike? Are you ready Kim?

Last night I'm sitting in my livingroom, and I ask Marena how was her critique and stuff, but she answers with good. Just one word - so I guess no need to continue talking? Ok. I can entertain myself, and I have been. I've been picking up the guitar, and reading a book. I haven't been writing an essay, but that will come. I've been doing things that I want to do - and I can't help it. When she goes to bed, she reminds me of the market when she asks, "did you want me to wake you up for the market tomorrow?" Shit yeah - I always forget, but I say maybe. I will leave my door open for it, for tonight I will be at Point Pleasant, and depending on how long it takes to burn my stuff, I don't know how long I'll be out. She's discouraging, saying it's snowing and raining, and that what if the police come. Dear god. It's like lighting a match in a forest, and the paranoia is so unnecessary.

I'd like to clear some thing up here. Or to reaffirm it - I don't hang out with her because she's not adventerous. One day walking home, she didn't want to climb over a fence. So we went the long way around. Shaun, when him and I went to watch Batman - instead of walking around this parking lot to reach the road, we climb up the cement wall. His tiny skinny body, carrying this ridiculously heavy duffle bag. I'm going to cry, he's so fucking __________  (wonderful?).

Why does it bother me? Shaun asked last night if I was alone, and I said yes. He was surprised, he thought Marena or Marley or Woo would be there. I denied all of that! Marley and Woo? This is a me meditation. And then I told him Marena's reaction about police and everything. It's like Shane before thinking Marena got me smoking weed, and it's like - bitch please.

But then again, I did get the same snow boots as she did. So whatever Kim.

It was nice last night. Before I was thinking that I should buy a pack of smokes - or at least it's a perfect time to do so. But then, what with all the smoke I was inhaling, I saw that I've already got my pack beside me.

Shaun called me last night - we're pre-missing each other. He leaves June 1st I guess. Yep - I am happy that I have what plans I do for the summer. No school, just bike. Bike around with my buddy. And get prepared to be without him, and on my own. Then be on my own.

In one week, I guess I'll be getting my bike.

I kind of feel like I am already melting - but luckily there is a future. It's not without hope. You know. Which is a nice change. We've known this for a long time. Best leave it as is.

Anyways, I'll be missin ya.