My eyes are burning. my back is sore. Check out this painting I did of my face. It took - 3 or four hours. Which is ridiculous. Because she (my instructor) wanted us to stop at two hours. I couldn't. It doesn't matter. I'm going to say that with the pills that's why it took me longer. But I kind of like it right now. Here it is:
It's cute eh.
I mean, it's still fucked up in some ways. I'm going to go back tomorrow after class and fix it. I don't want my tolerance for Dexi to go up, but i want to take it.
I like clenching my jaw. Do other people still do it when they take it? My jaw moves like I'm chewing gum.
First thing I did this morning was brush my teeth, and have some water. I made a smoothie, and had some sips, then toke a dexi. I then finished my smoothie, and had a large cup of black tea, and - more water. I didn't want to not eat today. By 1230, I bought a mini pizza and had that. I bought coffee, but I drank that seven hours later. I had some apples and strawberries, before my one o clock class. Whenever I would get up from crouching my head would become light headed. Fuck that. But I organized and cleaned, and did some extra paint things. I'm going to try and not fuss around with my jaw anymore. but it's difficult, because I'm slightly chewing my tongue, putting it to the roof of my mouth. I can't stop. Or maybe I can. Maybe. Hmm.
I bought a pack of cigarettes coming home. It was 1230 when I walked into my house. That's being at school from 1030 to 1200. Mhmm.
I got to talk to Shaun for a bit. I messaged Marena asking her if she had seen my water bottle 0 negatory. Then I asked Shaun and he said he had seen it! I had left it in his stone carving room. I don't know if he brought it home, or if it was left in that room - but he dropped it off to me during class.
It's been such a weird day. Shaun wasn't feeling comfortable, and that wasn't make me feel good. He said his class and me don't trust him. I asked him how he thinks I don't trust him. Meh. Is this shit worth writing down, really?
When I was buying my pizza lunch, he texted me saying that he'd drop off my water bottle to me if I wanted to. Why is he bothering making any plans with me? It made me both sad and hopeful. Then feeling unshure of when he could come if he did. It's not a big deal, but then it is.
We were gunna go for a walk today. But I wanted to finish my painting, so I delayed and stayed at school for two more hours than planned. And then it was late, like it was eleven thirty, and I didn't have the energy to talk and express. No will power to do it. So I was thinking or going to ask him if we could post pone. But then he postponed before me. He needs to call his mom because of some family issues.
It's interesting how the same mask can cover different faces. Which layer do you pa y attention to? So he cancelled again, but with reason. I'm just goig to believe him. A part in me takes it personally and thinks he made up a lie. But nah, I don't think that is it.
It feels pointless. In these moods, all I want to do is do nothing. Not a damn thing. My involvement goes lower, because I just keep on getting progressively sadder I guess. One day I will lighten up, that's for shure.
But if I can be out going for long periods of time, I can shure as hell feel sad for a while. And voila.
I need to do some shit tomorrow. Tomorrow we're talking. I'm excited, in a - "finally!" sorta way. By no means am I bouncing up and down. Here I am, with my hopes up. I just feel like it's failed before any attempt.
I told my Dad before, that I would try to bond and express love with him, but he would say something and it's like sticking out my hand and it's slapped, so I never want to stick out my hand again. This is my Dad. I was saying that it affects me so much that I don't retry. This scenario was me making dinner for him. I wanted to put tomatoes on the dish, but he said no because he didn't like tomatoes. And I was being selfish, YOU WILL IKE WHAT IGIVE YOU , BECAUSE IT IS I WHO IS GIVING IT TO YOU. I didn't want to adjust myself to another person. But this is where I am inconsiderate of his autonomy, and most definite right to have and to have not tomatoes. He told me, what if if he made me steak, would I have to eat it? And I said, that is different, because steak is bad, and tomatoes are good. Well guess what, I fucking hope I've learned from that. Let's see:
I picture me walking around near the train tracks tomorrow with Shaun and I'll be crying to him. He will stand away from me, and the space will hurt me so much. He will not know how to hold me when I am crying. Hell, maybe he will end up holding me, hugging my shoulders with his cheek on the top of my head. He will say some thing that's suppose to be reassuring. But I won't believe him. I really don't trust him right now.
Who is he. Really? And who the fuck am I in relation to him?? Will he think that I'm fucking insane for being so emotional about things that he might think shouldn't be affecting me so much.
I'm expecting to get hurt. To feel it make an impression on my chest, right in the center. My head will look down, because I will feel like no one can hear what I am saying. Do they understand that I am feeling? I am expecting to have my guard up. I'm expecting to yell, to get angry, to get sad, to feel guilty, and let's not forget - fear. A lot of fear.
At some point, I might even think, well, I'm done doing whatever. No more drive or momentum. I just want to not be, essentially.
It could be good.
I wrote in Marena's journal today. We were in this lecture hall filled with people there to hear an artist talk. I didn't bring anything to write in or distract myelf, but she had her journal, so she let me doodle in it as she doodled for her homework. I didn't doodle any images, except words. I wrote down:
-How what means everything/the universe is different for everyone.
-The golden rule. Do we give what we want to give in consideration to our personal interests, or do we give what the other person is interested in?
I wrote some other things, but then I switched to something like if it was my journal, what I would be saying. It wasn't super personal, but it was, but it was also analytical?
-It's hard opening up to people, and feeling vulnerable and exposed.
-I don't know who to cry to
-I think it was Chelsea who before said to me, "Kim! I don't know how you are feeling because you do not open up to me! You're closed off." Something like that.
-I'm scared of getting hurt a lot.
Then I wrote down, "This is how you are amazing." And I said that I like how she keeps her word when making plans, commitments and goals. I like that she shares. I told her that sometimes I don't want to hurt her feelings, but some times I don't want to receive what she's giving because I simply just don't want it, but she gets frustrated. The same thing with me and my Dad. But I reassured to her that it was fine. And then I said, don't feel like you have to give to be nice, or make people like you, or something, then I said that I need to follow that as my own advice. Because givers can be taken advantaged of. So be careful, and be safe. Next I said how I am sorry if i had hurt her from distancing myself form her, when she needed companionship. I said that although I do appreciate her trigger like reactions, some situations are better off if reactions aren't spontaneous. So walls are needed at times. I told her that me being a sensitive person and scared of getting hurt, with my stubborn mind, I have decided that there are some things that I shan't tell her because I am afraid of getting hurt. Because of this lack of a wall.
I continue with me and my story about Chelsea's critique on my closed nature. I say that it is because I am very scared of getting hurt. Who isn't! It fucking sucks. But this fear, is crazy. It makes me ask questions for others, just so I know them more. But then the tables are unbalanced, because, will they listen to me? Will they receive me well? So I opened up to her via writing in her journal. It felt good. I heart dexi. lol.
Now with Shaun. I feel deflated. I want to love him, but my arms are tired. I can't even lift them to give him a hug. Oh, the support is gone? How do I come to understand this? Maybe I'm just saving my energy for tomorrow.
So I had two dexi today. Damn. One at 930, and another at 230? I was dancing while I was painting the model in class. It was fun. In my head I imagined that she thought I was attractive and that we could become lesbians with each other. She looks righteous. Raised eyebrows, pierced middle bottom lip, thick body, styled eyebrows. Mhmm, yes. And it seems like she was very cool with me painting her. Or at least this is me taking all things in personally, in a positive way today. I really am happy with my self portrait up top.
Do I feel settled now? This had been almost an hours worth of writing. - Sweet. If only I could apply this to my essay. Muahaha. Fuck.
Good night
p.s. Do I look high in that self portrait? I figured and was self conscious with the idea of them being able to tell that I was fucked up.
MEHG, what's the difference.
Love (doesn't mean the same between people.)
