I cried the other night, because I thought rancid feelings were left between Shaun and I. And there were. A sour feeling had been left in the mouths of us both. It didn`t feel right. The delivery of our intention was off. I am typing this out, because I feel ashamed at how on and off I am with my relationships. Its either they are good, or they are bad. In any case, the next afternoon we called each other. We just need to know that we do find love in the other. And that`s why it hurts to think of the other gone, or not willing. Circumstantially, I am doing this thing, and him his own. Its everything. All at once. Both yes, and a no. Freedom, but also a bind. I barely thought of what was what yesterday during the bike ride (which was awesomely pure and simple). I could only think of funny and good things. Things worth remembering. Simple shapes of smiles, and sounds of laughs. Reverberating joy. I feel like I pulled the fire alarm when I saw a match hit the carpet. But i swear in those moments those fibrous carpet hairs were starting to singe and catch a flame - but then it subsided.
What is that? Lack of faith? Over precautious? Assuming?
Anyways, it settled itsefl and is all fine. Its the reflecting that causes the grudge with me. What lesson should I learn?
I feel better that it`s at a place of good feelings. And I feel really good in knowing the availability of my friend Olivia. I just dont want to be the boy who cried wolf. But hey, maybe there is a wolf, its just hiding under grandmas clothes.
Anyways, trying to feel good I guess at this point in my life, because in the other last points in my life I was trying to feel bad. And this is the time for breaking into the change.
Gd bless.
