I am in Québec City. This keyboard is in french - so.
You know, isolation and self-exhilation is definitely ok. its more that - when a connection is desired, well, its not readily there - and you know what, this is what is called making friends. its softening the shell and so on.
The St.Lawrence River yestesrday and the day before, but most particularily yesterday was beautiful. Wonderful. To just sit there and have the soft warmth of the sun. The wind carried in. You know where the mouth of the river was fed. And now you travel beside it. The aves are soft, because, its not the ocean. And thats okay.
A couple of days ago, and on and off, while Im riding I become quite angry. and its a big fuck you to a lot of people. Not really a lot of people, but a lot of things that I have been exposed to. I am very sensitive to the people around me, and .. ah. I love that I am moving away from a lot of things.
I told Julian on the phone two nights ago that I wanted a bachelor apartment, and he asked ;why, do you not like living with Marena anymore?; I think it was the immediate idea of it. Its either black or white. No, I just want to live alone. Or, no, I just do not want to live with her. I still dont know what to do. There are things that bug me, but I havent told her, because if I told her what bugged me, then Id have to talk to her. And I just dont want to. I dont feel received well and honestly. And it most defintely goes the same way. Look at me. I say this to a french keyboard and not her. Anyways.
I just dont want to live there with her anymore. And I dont even want to explain it, because it will just hurt more and more people, and sometimes a feeling neednt be explained, for there are flowers that grow from the cracks of the sidewalks, and noone is asking them why.
Meh. Its like being judged a bad person for doing what you want. Its just a matter of when and how I deligate this, and to what extent do I know what Im talking about.
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The trip has been wonderful. Ive met a few casual people, but nothing solid yet. They are all seeds, germinating as we speak I guess. You know what it is, I havent used my voice a lot. Shure, the brain has been on and talking, and the fingers do write every now and then, but seriously - limited vocal skills. Today I spoke in English to Patrick, the french guy who works here at the hostel who invited me out. And it felt genuine, as in, I am tired. Im going to start seeing it as beautiful though, rather than an obstacle.
I met with Sam. I met with Sam, because I saw the apartment he was staying in last year, in Fredericton. That was a mindfuck. Like I just walked into a place of badd baddd past abuse. Meaning, a disgusting shithole of a series of memories. So I felt like I had to tell him where I was and make a connection with him else my conscience would be shaded. So I did, and I biked to see him (it was a beautiful bike ride, one of the best, seriously) and I met him in his town. Well, he actually picked me up in Hartland, because I had my first flat tire there. And I just jumped at the opportunity of a car ride. Even though I Fixed the tire ok.
In the last text he sent it was, ;I missed you a lot Kim; And Im diluting how awkward it was to read that - ;well this is good timing then hey; So he picks me up readily, and Im thinking to myself, this is great. I appreciate how he makes himself available to me. Jamie (the guy from the Uk who is running across Canada whom I met for the first time that day also) said that that was a horn dog move that Sam did. Thank you Jamie. That is still disgusting. Sam and I get to talking, and I am feeling really good and jolly. Because Jamies words of advice to me was take it easy and slow and be open to having fun. Dont have to be pushed by a schedule. Enjoy yourself. Okay, so I did. Im laughing with Sam. And hes offering to take me to Fredericton tomorrow to see if they can do a check up with my tire. Him and his friends were already going to go there to get some board game things. im excited for an awkward situation to turn into a bright fun time with friends. I guess the amount of sunhine that day made me delusional. Sam in the car is driving me around Florenceville-Bristol, hes taking me to makeout backroads, and sex lookout or whatever. The first one is real and popular among the kids there, and the latter one is just a place we found taking the car up some fourwheel vehicle roads. Im wondering why the fuck is this applicable right now. There is no need for make out road, but yes, driving around doing nothing, I am into. ;Kim, can I ask you an awkward question?; Ah yeah, shure. ;Do you want to make out?; Ah - what? No. Absolutely not. my mind is no where near those thoughts. What do you mean by make out? Do you still have romantic feelings for me? - ah, no. I just think youre cool and that making out would be nice. - oh, you just want to make out with someone then? - no, not anyone. Oh my gosh - I am just, in this fucking car. He starts telling me how hes depressed, and has been since before he met me. One crazy mother fucking son of a bitch. I -- eh --- have very little pity for him. He gets cold. ;Maybe lets check out your bike and see if it works. I dont want my friend Zach to get awkward tomorrow with you going to Fredericton.; Okay, so now im out of the plans. I ask Sam if I did anything. He says no. He just doesnt want his friend to be awkward with me. Jamie and Shaun both say its because I didnt kiss him. Holy shit - look, I have just vomited on this fucking keyboard.
I have so much anger about this - and I dont know how to address it or change it yet, but I guess i am just feeling it. But really, Im more or less supressing it. I tell him I dont know whats up, he just changes and now we renot going to hang out tomorrow. He shrugs his shouldrs and says whatever Kim and gets in his car. Im setting up my tent by this time, hes dropped me off at the Tim Hortons in Florence ville. I tell him thanks for the lift, but nevermind to everything else, and I agree with him that he should be leaving now. He sits in the car for 30 seconds, gets out and is walking around with his eyes watching his feet as he shuffles them around in the grass. Whta the fuck are you doing here. Enough of this fucking crazy shit. He says some times I love you Kim, and other times I hate you. And I ask him what the point of us meeting was... was it just for his revenge? I reassure to him that my summer enjoyment does not need him. I tell him he is being an asshole, when I come down and look for friendship. Jamie says my conscience is clear, Shaun said that no one will say that I am being wrong for judging Sam, because I told Sam - this is the second time that he;ll play it cool and walk away, shrugging me off like I am a bother - and I tell him it hurts. And my feelings are real. Welts of tears are right underneath my diaphragm. Of course I am not going to cry in front of him. But anyways - he leaves, Have a good summer he say, and I say to him, have a good life. And seriously. Good fucking riddance - I am going to be real - and not even that fake sweet thing I do. He is a piece of shit.
Now, when I am biking and thinking these things it gets difficult to bike. I dont want certain thoughts to sour my rides.
I have fear to go on into the northern ontario and winnipeg. It will be fucking hot. And not that many towns I guess. But seriously - the terrain gets different and whatever not. It just has to be done.
I met 3 60+ year old men in two days. One gave me a watch and some rags to wipe grease when in need, another let me camp on his lawn and gave me a leatherman, and q-tips, and cottonballs and air scented spray that i left in the next motel. And the other was from France. At my age he got Married, and now he is seule (alone) divorce or widow, i dunno - and he says he is living out his youth now.
Of course I have been thinking of Shaun on this trip. I think of the relationship abstractly. What do I need one for? How may I not be able to travel. Why is building a home the ultimate thing, when there is a world full of homes out there, waiting to welcome you.
I dont know how I feel right now about Shaun. The gap is growing more, maybe. Like the summer. And we cant stay true to each other, because that puts a lot of strain onto the relationship. Of course, whatever I do, I must be ok with him doing and so on. Anyways, what we left with was to enjoy ourselves, in whatever form it comes, if it feels good to. I am certain it was that. and then when in vancouver, when I see him. I see him there, and we reconnect.
Life is fucked man.
I really do feel better on the bike.
I want a bachelor apartment.
I dont want to have to explain myself to people.
I like it when people understand it on a feeling level.
mm. Quebec. Im more than halfway to Milton now.
