God bless Camerica

It's not like cooking solves my problems, but by god do I get to cook. I'm trying to time manage my appointments with people and teachers, and I don't want to step on anybody's toes - but after emailing to solve an appointment issue, I am starting to feel better. Just in time as my pirogues are just about done.

Speaking of stepping on people's toes, how do you tell someone that you don't enjoy their company any more because they annoy you? Is honesty accepted if it hurts someones feelings? But then again, I am still hurting their feelings by not talking to them. Sung su, it's not that I don't like you, it's just that you are needy, and don't give me space, and I don't care about anything you say, I find you lame, before I can find cool. I feel like you are draining the compassion out from me, because I can read your actions, and false as they could be, I perceive that you want me to care about you. I do not care if you leave early. I do not want to walk home with you, because I do not want your company. Do not approach Shaun, saying I am looking for him. Why do you do this? Why am I doing this? This is a person being a friend, but I do not want their company. How do I nicely say - just stop talking to me for a while. I don't know what this situation is - I haven't come to analyze it, so I don't really know how to react.

I'm nice to people, yes, but then it doesn't mean that I have to continue to be nice to them. To quote Sung su, "What's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine." Please, I do not mind giving out food, in fact, I achieve pleasure from it, But I do not like it when people expect me to give them my food, my anything. Look after yourself. No, you cannot have my food. Do not ask for my food after Shaun has some, you are in no way shape or form the same as him.

Ew. I am finding you disgusting.

I am judging you. And yes, shure, judged and be judged. But I need space, and I need people not to abuse my friendliness. By continuously telling me that they are hungry, THOUGH YOU BROUGHT YOUR FOOD. I ask, "why are you complaining that you are hungry, if you have food?" Oh.. "Kim, should I eat?" "Oh my gosh, I am getting so fat." WHAT THE FUCK. WHO ARE YOU? Do they not fucking know. Can I seriously just tell them to fuck off? But we're not intimate like that, and I don't care about them enough to give them my opinion. Oh my gosh, I actually do feel like vomiting. And I do not know why. Not actually - it just makes me sick, psychologically, my stomach is ill. Okay. Yes, I am telling you my problems, but you can close the browser. With him, I plug in my earphones and play the music loud, and he STANDS ONE FOOT AWAY FROM ME, HOVERING, REPEATEDLY.  What the fuck. Yes, this is all cool if you are my friend, but you are not my friend DISGUSTING FLY!..

I feel evil, and extremely passive aggressive, I mean come on. Obviously this is my niche. But fuck it, I'm just expressing. Later on I may analyze and contextualize it.

I split half a pack of cigarettes yesterday with a friend. And I'm half done that half. Woot Woot! I'm going to smoke one tonight before I sleep. Why, am I freaking out?

Goodnight. GOd bless.