and sex begot them

my pet peeve, or mild fear is when ill be laying in bed, writing out what i want to say in my head. it gets lost. how I started this blog in my head moments ago was entirely different than now. for one thing the tense of time is totally different, because i nwas thinking i would write it in the morning, nut it is now. what was i even going to write. ive spent a lot of the day in my head i feel. but then i remember that the days been longer than the time ive spent reading. i read my horoscope for twenty minuted in the mirning, and when i go to bed. why two times? i dunno, to foresee, then to recapitulate. or to check. but i do it. mine and some select person at a time, or many, it varies if they're even aaprt of it. today i took breaks from reading by doing pushups, how productive. i was trying out the ones where your hands form the suit of spades because your fingers touch. now , for the first time ever, s'was able to move my one pec muscle on my right side. cant remember if the left was too successful or not. i decided that Im going to make a bra sometime next week. my breasts feel neither good in bras or just chilling. well, i dont mind thembraless, i just would prefer apple tits i guess. but i shouldnt think like that. i like my breasts, just sometimes, i dont too. ill have visuals of a saw cutting through them, its like nails on a chalkboard for me. and i dunno, the serated edges of the blade, with the chillin skin-what would it look like in the inside? i wish i could make a paragraph break, im on my phone, so welcome to this format. i havent even said what i wanted to say yet. im feeling very selfconscious, i connected this blog to my profile, so that more people may read it. espec if they go thru my facebook profile, go to the dream blog, then to my profile, then to this. its all very frightening, as much as it means shit. ive been reading my queer theory readings today, done all but one short one (tomorrow morning) and the last one i read was super compelling. "Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence," by Adrienne Rich. i really recommend it, i read pg 620-660 or something, but how women are born into this heterosexual dominated world. i was connectung with this because i dont know how some girls meet girls. i dont want to have to dress the dress to symbolize a stereotypical lesbian to acquire a date, or to have someone ask me, because i sure as hell know that right now i havent the least bit of courage to ask a girl out. there have been a couple i would like to, but that rejection would be hard. but why? in another one of the readings they were saying how therez a sexual hierarchy, and being a promiscuous lesbian is fairly low. now, i dont know what a lesbian is, but i know i feel like i know how a girl should be physically and maybe in all other respects loved and treated. maybe not tho, i could be vile and rude, at times i fer shure feel like it. i remember hanging out with chelsea and it felt surreal, or at least it does now. the further i am pulled away from its nearness to me, the more idealized i see it. we werent ever even together. i reference to her as my gf sometimes, or i would, i dunno.. to say that there was something, that i had whatever. fuck, im twenty one and still talking about it. so. i talk about the past, its only what i know to have experienced and thus to know. is this empirical knowledge? did i just use a term correctly, which i have just learned from the readings.. exciting.  mt body is tired, especially my eyes. tomorrow i hang out with shaun, but right now i feel devoid of aby certainty. all the new info ive picked up makes me questions whether or not i am who i am because it is who i am, or if i am subsequent to the choices made for me without my say, ive never given love to a man, but i have to chelsea. i have more desires to please a woman than i have with men. i like male bodies and how they stimulate me. but i havent yet had the satisfaction of a woman. god bless lesbians, or girls who are currently doing what they want to do. i want to ask a girl out, or be in a femme relationship, but i wouldnt know how to start. i want it to be right. i want friends really, but that is the same as love and lovers.  but i also want everything, except for a small appetite.  oh, thinking brings more questions than answers.