Marena went out last night on her own! I don't even know with whom. I feel satisfied. I don't know if being a social butterfly is cool with her, but boy do I recommend it to people. Either-wise, you're krept up alone talking to yourself, or only to those few with whom you already know, and the tiny bubble that you leave for yourself gets agitated, quickly. No release. No different things are happening.. and you can't always depend on the same people. So I felt satisfied.
Shuan and I yesterday spoke about us. It was nice, and frightening. As I was sitting on the toilet this morning, moments ago, I was reflecting on those instances that have occurred between someone and I that shoots up a red flag in my head. For Robin, he said while we were having sex that he gets possessive and jealous- umm, not now please, and not ever for that fact. Sam was filled with red flags, but the largest was his incapability to socialize comfortably. Jake didn't want to share his eggs one morning, got no consideration, and his bed sheets were god fucking awful dirty. It's not like these things in themselves are reasons, but they stem from a source in their personality, which doesn't grow well with a source from mine.
I always covet the ability (with great ignorance of all else this brings) to be all knowing. To partake in something that will end, to live life dead, to be in a relationship already broken up. As a finite being, with barely the comprehension of a second, I only exist in the present moment. And this is frightening because, I think that I want to know where things will go. The illusion I feed myself is that this will bring me emotional security. But hell, I can't even stick with eating the same thing three days in a row, where things are planned.. mm... I don't know. Not only would my emotions be different, that's for sure.
With Dylan I had no cringe of, hey let's be together forever. Because I knew where my direction was, east, and his was to stay. Rationality was highly strung in that meeting. If both our daily lives were proche a l'autre, puis, nous pourrions see each other. But there even was a tiniest of a red flag that came up with him too. He was very much an equal leader, and that's good, but I had a vision of him being a wife beater. But I think I see everyone as a beater.
I'll look into the faces of the people I know, and I have them wear their anger. Their, 'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!" face. I am fairly much scared of people getting angry at me. I of course get angry at people too, but I wonder if someone "starts it first." I'm unsure if it is me that does something that correctly incites anger in another person. Now read that sentence as, I'm unsure if it is me that does something that understandably incites anger in another person.
Words are fucked up. And their meanings are made up of chance I feel. Whatever I'm trying to say too. It's either that at this moment right now, as I can see the characters taking optical shape on the screen, it's either that I want to understand, or I want to be correct with another person.
Live life dead
Love with loss
Smile knowing Anger.
Are any of those passable as truths? Does any one really want to think about how someone could freak out on them, hit them, (the physics are there + the uncertainty), to know that their anger could so rightfully and instinctually be exposed. I am on this boat on the reverse to others, and I know at times I wouldn't mind, given the opportunity. But, well I guess it's passable if one passes, "accept others, all of others," sort of understanding. Only in as much as it doesn't hurt you. But also don't have things hurt you where they don't need to, don't let things affect you personally (most times they mustn't be by your presence. Y'know.) But also take things with a grain of salt. And no one controls their life, or the people around them, so only let opportunities be seen. Of course the 'choice' is always there, as you may choose to interpret my usage of choice with or without the single quotation marks..
If I am to stick by to my thoughts, or the thoughts that I've read, you only live in the moment, and I don't necessarily want to be anxious, or only made up of molecules that want something that just shouldn't (i.e. waking up married with kids, what the fuck?) not tarnishing the value in that experience, but I am not there, I am here. Only here, I think. So.. I'll put that away for when it manifests around me, instead of within me. aHm. Live in the moment, I m in the moment. At this moment, I just want to meditate and wander..
But within the moment. :p
