I've spent a lot of time away from the homestead in the last week or so - which has been very nice. Like very nice. I've heard stories of other people's difficulties that echo mine that I keep in - that I don't plan on giving them light here - which is very nice.
I was thinking about how much I listen to others, or have been in the past week, and a couple of times they have cut me off whilst I was saying something. And I was.. wondering about this. What does this mean in particular, if anything? Or if I dare even try to construct assumptions out of this?
At this moment I've had some fleeting moments, here and there, thinking lowly on the act of listening. Am I merely a silent sack of shit following other people, listening to them, so that I am not left alone? Do people listen to me? Well, in all fairness, I don't spew out words to folks - because it's nerve racking really. I've found safety (in a way) when it comes to me thinking and typing out to myself (although this is public), but I am still capable of using offensive language about myself. So the apple hasn't even fallen off the tree..
And you know what, I am sure that people don't mind listening, I have... one, two, 3, 4 - 5 (?), I'm going to say 7. Seven people who I feel comfortable.. or... if it's comfortable, maybe 5.5, fuck eh.. 5.5 people I feel comfortable just talking to, when I do.
Which isn't all too bad, I mean, I didn't even include myself there (hah-hah.)
I've always been perplexed about the reactionary energy I've received from others - in terms of the things I've made. Do they not believe that I could have done it? Do I not look like one who would not construct such imagery & things? And then while walking I fell into the thought of, "Haha! Fuckers, yeah! There's another thing - don't fucking assume who or what I am capable of based on what I look like to you." And I had this bubble of rage from them. They're calling me asian and shit, and oh man.. openning that bottle of past-mm..-distaste. Fucking distasteful. But I mean.. Maybe I've done it too.
Then I thought, maybe they think that I'm not able to put out contrasty and whatever such descriptions may be made to the things I make, because I am .. kinda passive. A listener (at recent times at least), just a .. silent observer at times. That as soon as I use neon it's like, "what the fuck?" From where did it come?! And I can get behind that - sure.
